Maybe you can tell a bit about my mood by how often I write. I tend to write more when I'm depressed, I guess it helps me sort out some of the confusing feelings. And things have been okay for a couple of weeks, but now feel like they are slipping a bit. However, this is supposed to be a blog about relearning happiness. It could be that the title is a bit misleading. I'm beginning to wonder if it should be "learning" happiness, instead. I am not totally convinced that I've ever learned how to be happy. Is it even possible? I know how to get by and how to enjoy myself now and then, but I really wasn't happy in my teens. I struggled with depression during my twenties. I came into my own a bit in my thirties, but still struggled with depression. And the forties aren't starting out so hot.
It's been over a year since my descent into my darkest depression and although my life isn't pitch black anymore, it's still far from where I'd like to be. I still find myself wanting to cry for no reason; tired of life; having mini fantasies about dying (do I dare admit that?). I'm just not sure that anything I've ever believed in is valid. That may sound like a broad catch-all, but I do mean that some of the most core things I've believed in don't seem so believable. I guess that's just another way to say I'm questioning the way I'm living my life. I have always played by the rules and done all of the things I "should" yet I am unhappy with life. So where have I gone wrong? Would I have been happier bucking the system? Probably not. But if that's true, then where does happiness come from? I've been taught all my life that it comes from making "good" decisions. But when you make those good decisions and follow all the rules and you feel like crap all the time, or at least most of the time, then where's the benefit of supporting a system that promises happiness that I have yet to experience?
Geez, I don't know where I'm going with all of this. Sounds like some stream-of-consciousness shit. I'm not even sure why I should blog and why anyone would want to read this depressing crap. Well, that sort of sums me up right there, doesn't it? I'll post it, but just know that regardless of the title of my blog site, I've made no promises.
