Skeptical but Willing

Well, next week I'm off to a 4 day seminar given by Impact Training: Institute for Higher Consciousness (http://www.impacttrainings.com/index.htm).  I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I'm going to this, because I'm highly skeptical of groups that try and elicit specific emotions and anyone who's too optimistic/excited about life.  If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  Also, I'm skeptical of "feel good" experiences or anything that seems to New Age-y.  However, my sister-in-law, whom I love and trust implicitly, has been to this and raves about it.  She feels she's been transformed by all the different courses they offer.  So, I'm going.  I have nothing to lose; I have nowhere to go but up; I've been trying all of these different avenues to find some relief from the depression without much success; I'm going.  And I'm willing to go with an open mind and heart.

I've hit such an emotional flatline lately.  I think it's in response to the decreases in my meds, but, as I mentioned in the last blog entry, the side-effect of being at higher doses is not working.  It has hit me hard with my enthusiasm towards my dissertation.  I just don't care enough right now.  I don't have the energy or desire to work on it.  It has also been a strain on my family relationships; not so much with my kids, but it's tough on the husband and me.  He says I'm not the same woman he married.  But who is the same person they were 20 years ago?  Still, it makes me sad.  Maybe, just maybe, this seminar will help me find a bit of my old self.  Maybe it will help me relearn happiness.

I talked with my therapist about her opinion on groups such as Impact Training.  She's generally positive about them.  She thinks whenever a group of people get together with a goal of understanding themselves better, that something good can come from it.  She says regardless of whether or not this ends up being a life-changing experience or not, that I'll likely come away with some nugget that will be beneficial for me.  She can't speak specifically about this program, but it's good to have her support.  I'm really not sure why I'm feeling so conflicted about going, but I'm having a hard time getting really excited and highly expectant.  Also, I find myself feeling somewhat intransigent, like "I dare you to try and make me love myself.  I dare you to try and influence me."  I'm so silly that way.

The seminar is in Utah, so I get to drive 13 hours down there (in one day) and back.  The seminar goes for 12 hours a day!  I'm going to be exhausted, but that's okay.  It will be nice to have some time to myself, see my mom, and spend some time with my sister-in-law.  She's coming down from Idaho to go through parts of this with me.

Wits and Stubbornness

Apparently I can only write when I'm feeling down. We’re still tinkering with my meds.  I was so horribly shaky that I couldn’t write legibly, I shook like an old woman or someone with palsy.  Anyway, the doctor decreased my lithium and welbutrin levels.  Now I’m not shaking, but I’m feeling quite dysthymic.  I don’t know if the dythymia has to do with the recent decrease in the lithium or not.  This just does not seem fair—every time I get close to some med combo that seems to work, or promises to be helpful the side-effects are lousy.  I can’t live with the tremors, but at least I was feeling fairly decent.  Maybe I’m just doomed to live a life of depression.  There’s a part of me that feels like if I was strong enough I could kick this on my own; that somehow it’s a weakness to feel this way. 

I’ve been reading a book with some very strong female characters in it and they overcome horrible situations just by their wits and sheer stubbornness.  I wish I was like them.  But I lack wits and stubbornness.  I think I lack what it takes to beat this depression.