My Own Brain Chemistry

Well, I obviously haven't been very consistant at blogging lately.  But at least I've twice this month.  I’m feeling very frustrated and confused right now.  I’m frustrated with my meds—lithium, abilify, Prozac, Welbutrin, and when I get it, propranolol (for the side effects of everything else!).  But despite all I’m taking I don’t feel very good.  Yes, I no longer am so incredibly depressed, but I don’t think the meds are giving me the quality of life I expect from them.  I want to sleep all the time, I’m fuzzy-headed which makes it hard to concentrate and focus on my dissertation, my balance is off, and I don’t really enjoy life.  It makes me tired of my life.  It makes me, one who has always believed in the value of medication along with therapy, want to quit all my meds and just see what Kim is like; what my own brain chemistry is like.  I’ve been on meds for years now, without a great benefit.  Maybe the meds have kept me alive, who can say?  But when I was diagnosed as bi-polar II, I thought that we’d finally get somewhere and find highly effective medication.  Maybe I’m expecting too much, but I don’t think so.  I think we are meant to find some enjoyment in life; that our friends and family should mostly be enough for us.  Right now I feel like even my therapist, whom I have been so pleased with, isn’t enough for me.  Nothing is. 

One big event for me--I finally told my advisor that I didn't think it was working to have him be my chair.  He agreed (my word! I've given him 2 years worth of chances to step down and he never took them).  So now he's just a committee member and hopefully I can get some real work done. Yea me.  This hasn’t restored my confidence.  I hope my interaction with my new advisor will be good.

I'll end on a "funny" note--I was at Goodwill today and the clerk asked me if I qualified for their senior discount (those 55 and older)!! I know I have a lot of gray hair, but really?  Now I'm contemplating coloring my hair.  Humph.  The clerk was really young however, a teenager or early twenties.  Still, I almost lit into him, but I restrained myself :)

Thought By Now

Well, where to start?  I've been back for about two weeks from the conference I went to.  It was a very interesting experience.  I didn't come away totally transformed; I came away with a few nuggets to help me out.  Part of what I learned was how to stop being a victim and start being accountable for my life.  Also, we talked about the power of words and it was suggested we rid our vocabulary of the word "try" and replace "help" with "assist."  All of this is to help us be more accountable and reclaim power in our lives.  We also did a lot of activities to get in touch with our "heart" or "inner self" and to quiet our minds from the distracting chatter.  All of this helped me to get rid of the deep, depressive pit that's been residing in my gut. 

However, I'm still feeling unmotivated and apathetic.  My doctor has gone ahead increased my dosage back to what it was when I was having tremors as a side effect.  And he increased the dosage of my medicine that I'm to take to help with the tremors.  It feels like I'm on some crazy medication catch 22.  So I'm taking medicine for the bi-polar II, some for my depression, some for the side effects of the first 2.  I take the blue pill to remind me to take the red pill; I take the red pill to remind me to take the yellow pill; and I take the yellow pill to remind me to take the green pill; but they're afraid to tell me what the green pill is for. (This is taken from a scene in "What's Up Doc?" the funniest movie ever).  I think I'd feel better about it if I was seeing some distinctly positive results.  But I've been tinkering with medications since October 2011, and here it is April of 2012.  I guess I just thought by now things to be figured out.