Attachment to Outcome

I was doing really well there for a few weeks, in spite of the dissertation set-back.  But I feel myself slipping again.  All I want to do is sleep.  I've started looking at the chapter revisions suggested to me, but they seem broad-sweeping and difficult.  I have this sinking feeling that they aren't changes I can make within a week (per chapter) or so.  There is an impending feeling of inability surrounding me right now.  Not only do I have my chapter revisions to do, but I have to prepare for the final defense/exam.  I just can't recall information like I used to and that scares me.  I'm worried that I won't be able to intelligently answer questions thrown at me.  For the first time, in a long time, I'm wondering if I can do this and if it's worth it.

My sister-in-law and I have been trying to do this 21-day challenge by Deepak Chopra called Creating Abundance.  It's a daily set of meditations specifically for creating abundance in one's life.  Yesterday the meditation was about letting go of expectations.  The mantra is beautiful: Om Anandham Namah—My actions are blissfully free from attachment to outcome.  And we are to relinquish desired outcomes and follow the law of Detachment: relinquishing the desire to manifest a specific outcome, we allow the Law of Detachment to work in our lives.  I'm trying to let go of the wish for a specific outcome with my dissertation, to detach myself from my expectations and let the universe spill through my work and accept whatever the outcome is.  It's harder than it sounds.  I'm so used to thinking about this degree in terms of the final outcome, a PhD, and some times that's all that has kept me going--looking at the end results.  But that's not working for me anymore.  All it does is seem to add stress to my life and makes it harder to do the work of today.  My current system isn't working for me, I need to find an alternative way of being.

Here is Deepak Chopra's website:  http://www.chopra.com/  it's worth a look around.

Shift in the Universe

I've had a major blow to my dissertation work.  One committee member, (yes, the jack wagon), wouldn't pass off on my dissertation so I can't defend on Nov. 5th.  He said my writing was excellent but my analyses were "rudimentary and shallow."  He said it wasn't in publishable form and therefor not in defensible form.  Because of him I have to go to school an extra semester, pay tuition, and my mom had to pay $300 to get her flight changed so she can come out in May now, instead of December.  I have to spend more time writing, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but I have to rearrange my state of mind over all of this.  I'm not at all opposed to making my work better.  But I am very angry about the way he goes about these things; he seems to undermine me at every step of the way.

Surprisingly, I'm feeling okay.  I was a bit depressed over last weekend when I first got the email (it was very condescending, several people that I shared it with have said the same thing); I even cried (this man has made me cry more than anyone else in my life); I was really mad, furious even.  But the depression didn't last.  It's amazing.  I think I'm going through a normal reaction to the whole situation and now I'm ready to just hunker down one more time, kiss his lily white ass, and get this over with.  My therapist gave me some good ideas on how to deal with the negative talk that always accompanies any thought about him--she said for me to think of all the other people, friends, family, colleagues, who would counter anything Rick would say.  It helps.  It makes me think about the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie, when Harry is battling Voldemort and all the people Harry loved and loss are there behind him, giving him strength and encouragement.  It's kind of like that for me.  In battling my personal Voldemort, I remember my dad, my husband, my friends, my thesis adviser and all the faculty and students I've worked with in the past.  It's like they're behind me, giving me strength and encouragement.  And Rick can't really hurt me anymore; he is just one person with an opinion that his very contradictory to all the other opinions out there about me.  I don't need him to do a good job on my dissertation and have a satisfying career. 

My sister-in-law also told me about something she'd recently read or heard--when it comes to people's opinions about you, 20% will love you and agree, 20% will hate you and disagree with you, and the rest really won't care.  Rick is just the first person in academia to be critical of me.  And his whole attitude has soured my experience with school.  It's been hard to believe in myself and my capabilities.  If this had happened a year ago I think I would have been completely undone.  But I'm not undone and I am so grateful that I am getting through this so well.  I keep waiting for the darkness to return, but it's not.  I wish I knew why, I wish I could identify what is different.  The only thing that seems different is the medication I'm on, but I feel like there is more to my feelings and attitude than that.  I feel like there's been a slight shift in my way of being.  Like I'm stronger now.  Maybe having gone through the hell and surviving has made me stronger.  Like I've been doing a lot of emotional exercising and I'm finally seeing/feeling the results of it.

The memory of my last depressive episode is still quite fresh in my mind and I hope I never get that bad again.  But it's making my current state of mind all the sweeter.