Numb is Better

It's been exactly 2 years since I started blogging.  Maybe now is a good time to reflect on the journey.  I look at myself and think "I have all the signs of being depressed, but I don't feel depressed."  I go back to bed every morning after the kids are off to school; I'm avoiding working on my dissertation; nothing in my life seems to bring me satisfaction, even reading, or watching movies; my relationships are strained; if this was being described by someone else, I'd definitely called it depressed.  However, I'm not in the "pit of despair" (don't even think about trying to escape) and that was my last run-in with depression, so this doesn't seem so bad.  But I think it's time I stop and recognize what's going on.  No one deserves to live with depression, regardless of the intensity of it.  Just because this is milder than before, I still deserve to feel better.  But I'm having a hard time admitting that I have a problem, because the pain isn't expressed in the same way.  Basically right now I'm just numb; but numb is better than being in both physical and mental pain.

So now the question is what to do?  Do I fiddle with medications, try light therapy (which I just can't seem to do, sleep is so much easier), try meditation and yoga, read self-help books and continue with talk therapy?  It all seems to take too much energy.  Sleep, sleep is all I want.

And I leave in three days to visit both my family and the in-laws for Christmas.  Like I said, I'm better off than I was the last couple of years, so I don't expect any drama, but it all sounds like work.  Except for the time we spend with my sister-in-law--the one I always write about.  It will be good to see her.  It's just unfortunate that there will be so many other people around.  As a Christian I feel like this should be an especially sweet time--celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace.  However, I seem to have a hard time finding the peace that is supposed to come with knowing Christ.  I guess I really just don't know Him that well.  I have started reading a book by Deepak Chopra called "The Third Jesus."  I'm not very far into it, but it's very interesting.  Jesus was a really radical man, for His time and for ours.

Well, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.  Here's a prayer for peace for family, friends, strangers, and supposed enemies.  If that enemy is depression, may you find a way to transcend it and find meaning in life.

Mid-life Crisis?

I've been feeling unhappy.  But not really depressed.  I'm unhappy with most aspects of my life, finding little satisfaction spiritually and emotionally.  It doesn't feel like depression because I don't feel like I'm slogging through thigh-high mud.  I'm just sad and dissatisfied.  Could it be I'm going through a mid-life crisis?  I feel like my true self has been lost along the way somehow and that I'm living in a shell that I'm calling life, but really it isn't.  There's just a lot of emptiness in my life.

I'm also feeling anxious lately.  It's sort of a nebulous anxiety that I can't put a finger on.  If you add the anxiety to the unhappiness, maybe it's all morphing into depression.  But I still don't feel depressed.  Of course I'm basing my feeling of being depressed on the absolute worse case scenario; I'm comparing it all to the depressive period from last year, that lasted over two years.  Maybe to a "normal" person this anxiety and unhappiness would feel like depression.  It just doesn't to me.  Maybe it's a case of mild depression.

So, where does that leave me?  I looked up "mid-life crisis" on Wikipedia (since we all know Wikipedia is the source of all truth).  It didn't really seem to fit me, because it's usually age-related and "a time where adults come to realize their own mortality and how much time is left in their life."  However, the result is similar to me. In Wikipedia it says "People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance."  I'm definitely desirous to make significant, core, changes in my life.  But I don't have the energy or know-how right now. It feels like to make any significant I really need to take a leap of faith, right off a cliff.  I've been to this edge many times in my life, but I have yet to take the one step towards a new, "truer" me. 

Ah, whatever.  This is beginning to sound like drivel, so I'll end this blog for now.  There's always a tomorrow to write some more.  I'll give you a hint what I think I'm going to write about--the idea that what we see in the world is only a mirror of ourselves.  Sound interesting?  I think so.