Well, it's been a while since I've written anything. I feel like my life has been emotionally complex lately, and I haven't known when or what to write. In many ways I'm feeling much better. I'm on a new medication--Viibryd, and off of Prozac. It seems to be a good switch, although my typical pattern is to feel better when on a new medication, but only to have it loose its effectiveness later. So, I'm not holding my breath, but at least the side-effects have decreased since I've made the switch.
I've had the usual ups and downs associated with my dissertation. That one professor is still throwing road blocks in my way, but I've stood up to him. And even though my standing up for myself didn't change his opinion, I feel good about standing my ground.
Life is turning out so differently than I thought it would. I guess that's a completely normal feeling. But I can't help feeling like I've failed in so many areas of my life--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel as if I'm failing as a wife, as a friend, as a student, as a teacher, as an environmentalist, as a sister and daughter. The only bright point is that I feel like I'm doing fairly well as a mother. I've been told to stop feeling sorry for myself. I wish it was that easy. Unfortunately it's so much easier to start slipping down than it is to drag myself up; emotional gravity at work. I feel like I'm working so hard at being "better" but there are times when the emotional experiences produce a physical response. Some days I just go around with a pit in my stomach and a heaviness in my chest. At times like these I feel like I'm being crushed under a great pressure.
I wonder if I'm just in the habit of being depressed. I've been depressed for so long that my knee jerk response to conflict is one of anxiety and depression. I wish I could change that. I guess that's my big issue in life to deal with. But it sucks. Life is difficult for me. I have to practically live minute to minute, with some hope and faith that the coming minutes will be better.
I have, however, been having a lot more good days than I have in the past. So that's a good thing to focus on. The pit of my despair isn't so deep lately. There are more moments when I can defy the emotional gravity of my life. So there is some good. And I may be failing, but I'm not giving up.
I've had the usual ups and downs associated with my dissertation. That one professor is still throwing road blocks in my way, but I've stood up to him. And even though my standing up for myself didn't change his opinion, I feel good about standing my ground.
Life is turning out so differently than I thought it would. I guess that's a completely normal feeling. But I can't help feeling like I've failed in so many areas of my life--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel as if I'm failing as a wife, as a friend, as a student, as a teacher, as an environmentalist, as a sister and daughter. The only bright point is that I feel like I'm doing fairly well as a mother. I've been told to stop feeling sorry for myself. I wish it was that easy. Unfortunately it's so much easier to start slipping down than it is to drag myself up; emotional gravity at work. I feel like I'm working so hard at being "better" but there are times when the emotional experiences produce a physical response. Some days I just go around with a pit in my stomach and a heaviness in my chest. At times like these I feel like I'm being crushed under a great pressure.
I wonder if I'm just in the habit of being depressed. I've been depressed for so long that my knee jerk response to conflict is one of anxiety and depression. I wish I could change that. I guess that's my big issue in life to deal with. But it sucks. Life is difficult for me. I have to practically live minute to minute, with some hope and faith that the coming minutes will be better.
I have, however, been having a lot more good days than I have in the past. So that's a good thing to focus on. The pit of my despair isn't so deep lately. There are more moments when I can defy the emotional gravity of my life. So there is some good. And I may be failing, but I'm not giving up.
