Validating Unhappiness

It appears that sitting with my disappointment for about a week, week and a half, has been enough for me to get back to moving again.  After a good discussion with my therapist, I came away feeling more of a desire to work on my dissertation and teaching responsibilities.  The sorrow I was feeling has ebbed and now I just feel resigned about my situation.  So I might as well make good use of these next 3 1/2 weeks before I defend.  But I'm also giving myself some room to relax and enjoy life. 

Maybe sometimes we just need to sit with the pain, languor in the shit that life brings us, go ahead and feel the disappointment, validating our feelings, not trying to negate them, and then we can move on.  Maybe relearning happiness is in part about validating and accepting the unhappiness as well as the happiness.

I Am Still Vertical

I've been really busy lately, trying to get ready to defend my dissertation.  There have been a lot of difficulties, but I was holding up quite well . . . until I got another delay on my defense date.  This time due to an error in paperwork.  It looks like I have to wait one more semester.  I can't believe it.  Now, the best that I can say is that I'm vertical.  I go from being really pissed off, to feeling really depressed, to feeling numb.  I'm just grateful I'm on some medications that have been working.  I think the meds are keeping me from getting severely depressed.  Count the little blessings in life, I guess.  I'm trying to think positively and am telling myself that now I have extra time to beef up on my statistics and other weak areas.  However, all I really want to do is cry and sleep--which I have been doing a lot of this last week. 

I just don't understand why I'm going through all of these challenges to simply defend my work.  It feels like someone really doesn't want me to finish this degree; I'm not sure if it's God or the Devil.  I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.  So I'm back in survival mode.  I should have been Dr. Hamblin-Hart right now and I had really geared myself up to make it through this week and then be free.  Now I have to carry this weight around for another month.  It's taking a toll on me and my relationships.  Everyone is being really supportive though, I've got a good family.  And that's a big blessing.

Garret and I were joking around about how things couldn't get any worse.  Then he said "what if you're sitting in commencement, all in your cap and gown, and they don't call your name?"  We decided that things can get worse, but not by much.