Dissertation-free Summer

Well, I passed by defense.  But it was a very grueling, disappointing, and dissatisfying experience.  I left feeling more stupid than when I started.  Since then I've been feeling pretty numb.  I don't know if it's depression, just general let-down after the defense, or a reaction to the change in my medications.  I've decided it's time to go off my meds and find out who I am, drug-free.  My doctor and I have set out a time-frame to start titrating off the medications, one at a time.  So I am almost completely off Viibryd, yet for the last two weeks I've had to force myself to do the normal things in life--get out of bed, get the kids off to school, get food, get the kids off to bed. . .I'm just not interested in anything and I've been on the verge of tears every day. 

There is some hope, however; or at least something to look forward to.  My husband and I are going to Hawaii for my friends' wedding.  We will get 5 days away from home, the kids, life, and we'll get to celebrate with my dear friend at the beginning of her new journey.  I'm really looking forward to the change of scenery.  Then summer begins--no more waking up early to get the kids off to school, no more early bedtimes.  I love summer and the lack of schedule that comes with it.  I love being lazy.  I also love the time my kids spend in the swimming pool and outside.  I love watching movies.  And I love all the different trips we have planned--family reunions, camping, etc.  So all in all, I guess I have quite a lot to look forward to.  And none of it has to do with my dissertation!  This will be my first dissertation-free summer in 7 years! 

Wish I Could Write Like That

While perusing FaceBook and avoiding working on my dissertation defense, I came across the following link that provides an excellent look at depression.  Just wanted to share with everyone--those of you who suffer from depression will totally understand, those who don't understand depression may gain some insights.  Sure wish I could write like that.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Enjoy!

Depression is a Waste of Life

I’m on a slippery slope down to feelings of worthlessness.  I’m so tired of my life, of being me.  I’m so tired of struggling with depression every day.  I don’t want to live my life this way; I want to enjoy life, enjoy the blessings in my life, and enjoy the path I’m on.  Instead, life is burdensome, I can never seem to get my mood up past mediocre.  It’s horrible.  I don’t see the purpose of all the good in my life, all my possibilities and potential, and then being saddled with depression.  My life is not working this way.  I wish I knew how to fight my way out of this, how to find peace. Living with depression seems like such a waste of life.  If there’s a reason or purpose to my living like this, I don’t see it; I can’t imagine it.  I’m weary and wish I could feel God’s presence and love in my life.  I’m very lonely.