Energy

Today, while talking with my therapist, I told her that I didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with some of the issues I'm working on.  She asked me an interesting question:  Do I not have the energy to change or to stay the same?  It's a good question.  I'm leaning towards the answer that I don't have the energy to stay the same, but I'm not totally sure about that.  I do know that I'm incredibly tired of the way my life is right now.  Hopefully I find the energy to change.

Being Empty

"Being empty is a beginning."

             --Sue Bender, Everyday Sacred

Power in Irritation

For my book group we read “Everyday Sacred” by Sue Bender.  I suggested it.  It’s been a while since I’ve read it, but it’s really good.  She talks about the begging bowl, about accepting whatever is put in our bowl for the day, about seeing the beauty in the ordinary.  I really like her analogies and ideas.  There was a time when I felt I could reach those goals.  Right now though, they feel out of reach.  I feel so empty that I can’t imagine how to find significance and meaning in my life.  I’ve been empty for so long.  I’m so weary of it. 

I've been back on Deplin for 2 weeks now.  I haven't felt any positive mood enhancement.  I still feel really down.  But I no longer have the headaches, although I have been a bit irritable.  I'm not sure if it's the Deplin or not; the irritability is more focused, rather than general irritability at everything.  I'm wanting to use that irritation to force me to speak my mind more often.  Over the last 5-10 years I've really become a quiet woman who rarely speaks out on my opinions.  I used to be much more vocal about my opinions, even opinionated.  But for some reason I started keeping things to myself.  Now I feel like I've just become spineless and I think I need to find my backbone again.  And I think feeling irritated might help in that.  Wish me luck. 

Still, I Have To Vacuum

I hate vacuuming.  I love the end result, but hate everything about the process.  I hate how it makes me face how dirty my animals make my house; it makes me hate having animals.  I hate the physical effort it takes to vacuum.  I hate emptying the hair and dust out into the garbage.  I hate it so much that I stew for days before I finally decide to tackle it.  And then it only takes about 20-30 minutes (depending on how many rooms I have to do), but still, I hate it before I vacuum, while I'm vacuuming, and I feel angry after I vacuum because I had to do it.  Crazy, I know.  But that's how I feel about vacuuming.  It sucks (pun intended).

I'm afraid that I'm not having a great experience with Deplin.  Since I started it I have had a continuous headache that won't go away.  And I've been very irritable.  I was doing some research online and found a site that said that high doses of methylfolate could cause several side effects, headaches and irritability among them.  The website (mthfr.net) said that you should start out with low doses (but I can't find out exactly what is considered "low").  It does say that the amount in Deplin is usually too high.  So I contacted my doctor about this and she said that 15 mg is where they start and then they go up from that.  She suggested taking the Deplin every other day.  Instead, I've stopped taking it (for 2 days now) to see if any of my symptoms stop.  My headache is mostly gone, but the irritability has stayed.  I'm so tired of all the guess work and self-testing that goes into all of this.  And I've just got 3 months of Deplin (at quite an expense) from my pharmacy (I have to use mail-in due to my insurance).  So now I have all this Deplin that is probably at too high a dose and I've wasted all that money that could have been better spent else-where.  I'm so mad.

And who am I to believe?  Some random website or my doctor?  There's so much conflicting information out there.  My nutritional therapist suggested going off gluten.  Great, one more thing to try and control in my life.  How does one go off gluten?  Everything I eat has it in it.  And I'm not that fond of eating in the first place, so changing my entire diet is far from appealing or easy for me.  This makes me feel so crabby.  I'm really weary of trying to get my depression under control.  Nothing seems to be working.  I feel like I'm doomed to live life like this, without any relief from the depression.  I really would rather fade away and not have to live like this.  The depression is affecting every aspect of my life.  It's not good.  It complicates everything.  And still, I have to vacuum.

Stabilized Mood

My mood has stabilized.  I'm no longer in the pit of despair.  However, I still lack energy, motivation, and interest in much.  But I'm okay with that right now.  That being said, I did get my hormone levels checked and had the test for the MTHFR gene anomaly done.  My progesterone and testosterone are very low.  I'm also heterozygous for one of the MTHFR mutations.  Now my options are hormone therapy and/or Deplin.  Since I don't seem to have a lot of the other symptoms of low progesterone and testosterone, I've decided to try the Deplin (l-methylfolate) first.  It's fairly expensive, but the research I've done shows promising results.  Tomorrow I start taking it.  I'll keep you posted.  After a couple of months I'll revisit the hormone issue.  I'm a bit hesitant to start tweaking with my hormones; I'm not sure why, but it sort of makes me nervous.  The Deplin has little to no side effects and is actually considered "medical food."  I'm not sure what I'll do with myself if I start feeling energized and interested in life.  But I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

On another note, I completed an application for a tenure track university position.  I don't think I'm very competitive since the advertisement said they were giving preference to plant geneticists and I'm a plant ecologist.  However, they do want a plant person to teach a variety of botany classes, which I can do.  It was mainly an exercise in taking some action in my life.  I'm content to read and watch Netflix right now.