A New Vocabulary

It’s 12:30 at night and I can’t sleep because I feel like I’m on the verge of understanding something important.  So I’ve decided to take time and write my thoughts down. 

It all started earlier tonight, as I was reading in bed.  I’m reading Sue Bender’s newest book called “Stretching Lessons.”  She’s the one who wrote “Everyday Sacred” and “Plain and Simple.”  She’s absolutely wonderful.  Her newest book is about learning to be bigger, to be our fullest selves, to give our soul wings.  She talks about how so much of her life has been spent struggling, that she was all about “hard work.”  I think that’s me, too.  So I’ve been thinking about the words I use when I think about me and my life.  Here they are: 

• Persistence
• Struggle
• Effort
• Working hard all the time
• Endure
• Test
• No pain, no gain

 I think about my depression in terms of how hard I’m struggling to overcome it.  And I’ve often written about how tired and weary I am.  Maybe it’s time to stop fighting.  I’m not really sure what that would look like, though.  As I was lying in bed tonight, with these thoughts churning through my mind, I had the image of my depression being a hard, thick shell, protecting me.  But protecting me from what?  I also had the distinct feeling of something inside of me softening.  And when I write that right now I am filled with emotion and I can’t really say why.  But it seems like I’m on the verge of something big and something important.  It’s like I’m in front of something big and true and life-changing, but I can’t quite bring myself to look directly at it, so that I only get sideways glimpses of it.  But I know it’s something really important for me.

“Perhaps within each of us there is a daring spirit that whispers to be heard.”  Sue writes.  She also writes “I wondered if I also believed I had to struggle in order to earn the right to be happy.”  Is that what I’m doing right now?  Am I struggling through this depression because a part of me believes I have to earn the right to be happy?  Is this me trying to earn that right?  As Sue wrote about herself, I find true of myself—I am struggling, longing for ease.  How can one be at ease if one is constantly struggling?  And she talks about finding a way to release herself from the struggle, noting that the word “release” has the word “ease” tucked in it.  

So my job now is to settle myself, to let go, to release whatever it is that I’m holding onto so tightly that I can’t breath anymore.  Funny how I used the word “job,” which is usually associated with “work.”  I need to find a new vocabulary.

Note:  my writing tools aren't responding well, so this doesn't look exactly like I want it to.  It's really been touchy lately and I hate it, it's quite difficult to write these posts.

 

   

Take What I Can Get

Dark thoughts have been kept at bay for 7 days now, although my mood is slipping a bit.  I just purchased and read Allie Brosh's new book "Hyperbole and a Half" which is based on her blog.  She is so funny!  I laughed a lot and also loved the writing she did on depression.  I know I've mentioned that particular post before, but it's so worth reading and sharing with people who don't know what depression is like.  She's funny and poignant at the same time. 

Even though I am exercising regularly, I am still really tired.  Maybe I haven't been exercising long enough to feel the perks of having more energy.  That is the promise of exercise, isn't it?  That you will feel more energized if you consistently exercise.  I'm waiting for that. 

I used to think I didn't have much faith, but the fact that I'm taking my meds, seeing a therapist, exercising, and still waiting for things to get better must be some sort of act of faith.  I've decided that I have quite a bit of faith, actually.  Good for me!

The weekend is coming up and weekends are usually trying for me.  Everyone is home (kids, husband) and I don't get long periods of time to myself.  I am still enjoying my "me time" while everyone is at school or work.  I'm still reading and watching TV a lot.  But I'm also starting to feel the slight rumblings of wanting to do something more.  I'm not sure what the "more" would really look like, but once again, I'll take what I can get. 

I've been spending a little more time looking for a job, but that can be depressing in and of itself. Even though I have a PhD, I'm not really qualified to do much.  I have no retail experience, so working at a bookstore or REI isn't likely (as they want several years of retail experience), plus retail doesn't pay enough for me to pay off my student loans.  And there aren't a lot of teaching gigs around town, if I even had the energy to teach.  I will be teaching one class next semester, but I'm sort of dreading it.  Maybe I'm just not ready for a job.  But I am ready to make some money and get out from all of this debt I've acquired.

Thanksgiving is coming up and everyone is talking about what they are thankful for.  I guess I'm thankful that I'm still alive.  And I'm really grateful for some remarkable women in my life.  Of course I'm thankful for the usual family, husband, kids, home, freedom.  But I'm really thankful that I've had a week free of debilitating depression.  I really do like Thanksgiving and believe in trying to have an "attitude of gratitude," however, gratitude can be a tricky thing when you're stumbling through the fog of depression.  I guess I should be grateful that I can feel some gratitude.  How's that?

So, I guess we take what we can get in this life and have the faith that things might improve.  Just my two cents.

Absence of Dark Thoughts

I'm going on my fourth day of feeling okay.  It's kind of weird and I feel like something is missing.  My past experience is that I can't count on good days being the norm, but I will take what I can get, when I can get it.  I am wondering if the Deplin is starting to work.  Also, I've been jogging with the dogs for the last week and a half, could that be part of the mood change?  Apparently exercise is key to fighting depression, so maybe.  But I don't know if a week and a half is long enough to make a difference.  Anyway, I don't know why I'm feeling better, but I am.  I still don't have much interest in doing things, but at least I'm not sitting around constantly thinking about how life is hard and not really worth it.  I'm not sure if life feels like it's "worth it" yet, but there's definitely an absence of dark thoughts.  I am not going to get ahead of myself and think that I'm out of this 4 year depression, but it is a real relief to have almost a week of emotional ease.

Fixing Dinner Along the Way

So my time of empowerment didn't last long.  Just 2 days.  I feel like I'm in a deep, dark well, clawing my way out.  And every time I get a glimpse of sunlight, I reach for another handhold and . . . I slip back down into the dark and the mud and the cold.  I could really use a recharge right now.  I'm losing hope, or maybe I've used up most of what hope I have.  
 

I’m sitting downstairs in my room right now, listening to music and writing and I know I have to stop and go upstairs and help with dinner and homework and then get the kids to bed; all the mundane things that take so much energy for me to perform.  But I guess I’m nothing if not persistent.  So, here I go again, clawing my way back up the well, fixing dinner along the way.

Two Important (Maybe) Ideas

I had a really good talk with a dear friend today.  There are two important things I learned, or ideas that we discussed.  1.  Maybe God didn’t answer my prayers because I have to do it on my own.  2.  Maybe the purpose of life is to live purposefully.  

So, let’s look at the first idea.  I was telling my friend about my prayers long ago to feel or know that I was a child of God, that I was important, and trying to pray away the depression, praying for an end to it; and that I never felt any answers.  So I quit praying and I've been doubting the existence of God ever since, despite my religious upbringing and my continued participation in my church.  But today, while talking with my friend, I reflected on the time when Sam was a little boy trying to learn how to write the letter “S.”  He was so frustrated and mad because he couldn’t do it, and he thought he’d never get it.  And I sat back knowing, absolutely KNOWING, that he’d one day learn to write the letter "S" and he’d have no problems with it.  However, I couldn’t do it for him.  He had to figure it out on his own, through practice, through trial and error.  I could show him the basic mechanics of what an “S” looked like, how to hold the pencil, etc., but I could not do it for him.  So maybe God can’t answer my prayer, maybe I have to do it on my own.  I’ve been taught the basic mechanics, but maybe overcoming this depression and feeling like a daughter of God has to be something I come to on my own.  Maybe God KNOWS I can do it and will do it, but I have to learn it on my own, just like Sam had to learn how to write his name on his own.  As I told my friend this and talked through this idea it has just felt right to me.  I felt such overwhelming emotion as I talked about this that I think maybe I’m on to something true here.  Maybe God is watching me, knowing without any doubt that I will make it through this and be glorious some day. And maybe it's just a matter of time before I know my real value and worth as a daughter of God.

This reminds me of a something Sue Bender wrote in “Everyday Sacred.”  She was talking about breaking bowls, purposefully breaking them and then gluing them back together.  She writes:

“In the past, no matter what I did or accomplished, I still felt like something was missing.  When I put the pieces of my cracked pot together, I saw that nothing was missing.  

Nothing.

I saw that I was WHOLE.

That same week a letter came from a woman who had spent years living with and writing about the Shakers.  In her letter I read, “The Latin root of the word ‘perfect’ means only ‘finished,’ not ‘without flaws.’”

We start out whole.  Complete.  Along the way, we may feel that something is wrong, or missing.  We aren’t the way we’d like to be or the way we think we should be.  A crossroads, a new stage in life, a turning point, a crisis, when we feel we may crack, or we do crack, can be a difficult, frightening time. 

And sometimes we deliberately crack our own bowl.

With time and great care and tender patience, we can reexamine the pieces, knowing that when we are ready, a solution will come.  We can glue the pieces back together.

This bowl looks far more interesting, more beautiful than before it broke.  The pieces are the same, but it’s a different bowl than when I started.”

Maybe for these last several years I’ve been going through the bowl cracking process.  I’ve been cracking, my life has been cracking.  And maybe, just maybe, I’m at the point of gluing the bowl back together.  And maybe God just has had to sit and watch me do this all, has had to let me do it myself.  

Now, to the second idea:  Maybe the purpose of life is to live purposefully.  Maybe it’s about making decisions on purpose—deciding how we are going to treat other people, other organisms, the planet; living each moment with purpose.  Purposefully picking up that piece of trash.  Purposefully putting the grocery cart back to the right spot.  Purposefully being kind to a stranger, to a friend, to our children, to our spouse.  Making a conscientious choice in what we do each and every day, each and every moment.  Maybe when we start living like that, we find purpose to our life.  

I feel good and excited about these ideas.  I feel like I may be onto something.  I realize I felt this way a couple of weeks ago with the idea that the purpose of life is relationships.  I felt really good for about 2 days, and then slumped back down.  But that’s okay.  I do think the purpose probably has something to do with relationships.  And living purposefully is also a part of it.  And cracking our bowls and gluing them back together is part of it too.  I feel like I’m gaining pieces of the answer to this quest I’m on.  I don’t have it all, yet, but maybe I have faith that someday I will figure it all out.  And finding these pieces and putting them together like a puzzle is giving me a feeling of empowerment.  It’s nice.  I don’t know how long it will last, but I’ll take it for now.  For now, it is enough.