Bleaker Moments

I am doing everything I can think of to kick this depression, and still I’m down.  I’m seeing a therapist, taking meds, exercising, taking vitamins and fish oil, cut back on my caffeine consumption, praying . . . what more can I do?  It feels like I’m destined to live this way forever, and that I can’t handle.  This just all feels so unbearable, I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this without breaking.  I have moments of relief that may last an afternoon or evening, but nothing that lasts for a significant amount of time and nothing that I can count on.  Each morning I have to fight to get out of bed and get the kids ready for school.  I have to bite my tongue when my daughter says she doesn’t want to go to school because I’m tempted to let her stay home—it’d be so much easier.  I have to force myself to go jogging; I’m not enjoying it at all.  It takes every last ounce of will power not to go back to bed after the kids are at school and I’ve gone jogging.  I have to make myself eat.  And I’m supposed to start work next week, which I’m not looking forward to.  Then there’s the whole dissertation issue.  How can I get focused on my dissertation when I can barely get out of bed and take care of the kids?  I’m just at the end of my rope, ready for some relief, right now. 

Go Ahead and Hope

These last couple of days has found me a bit more hopeful than usual.  I've been reading a lot of blogs about depression and the like and am finding some interesting therapies out there (I use that term very loosely).  One in particular, that I am quite interested in, is concerning l-methylfolate.  Now, if I understand my research correctly, l-methylfolate is the form of folic acid that your body utilizes.  There is evidence that people who have difficulty transforming folate into l-methylfolate have a tendency toward depression and anxiety (and a whole slew of other things like miscarriages, of which I've had 3).  This is a genetic disorder and there's a doctor here in the TC area that has done a lot of research on this.  Anyway, I'm in the infancy of my research, but I'm hopeful.  I'm hopeful because there is evidence that l-methylfolate can augment the efficacy of anti-depressants.  I'm hopeful because I've read blogs where people who have tried this have had some awesome results.  I'm hopeful because something about this rings true to me.  I'm hopeful because if I do have the genetic condition, it could explain some of what I'm seeing in my own children.  And I'm hopeful because if it works for me, it might work for my sisters and mother. 

I realize my hope is dependent on several ifs:  if I have the genetic deficiency, if the l-methylfolate  works for me.  I have also read some blogs where the l-methylfolate didn't work.  And the medical literature is mixed, for every one that says there's a connection there's another researcher that says there's not. What I've realized as I've been writing this is that I'm scared to hope.  I've lived so long without hope and now I'm worried I'll get myself all excited about something only to be let down.  I was excited with the switch in my diagnosis and meds, but still spend too much time depressed.  So why should l-methylfolate be any different?

But my herculean effort for the beginning of the year is to go ahead and hope.  So here I go, full of hope.  I'm ready for a new life in 2012; I'm ready to find the essence of me again; I'm ready to experience joy and happiness in life again.  Here's hoping for a good New Year! 

A Little Bit Less Down Is A Little Bit Up

A good therapist is makes life so much more bearable!  I have been lucky enough to find someone who tends to lift me up, even during sessions that lack excitement or discovery of insight.  My therapist inspires me to try, even on the darkest of days.  So I'll try.  I'll keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, I'll keep taking steps to move forward even when all I want to do is lay down and die.  That's what a good therapist can do.

I'm feeling less sluggish today.  Still tired and a bit down, but a bit less down.  And that could also be considered a bit up, couldn't it?  I wish I knew what is causing the difference.  My husband asked me that and I have no answer for him; I'm just less down today.  My new medicine (in my ever-growing cocktail) isn't supposed to have an effect for several weeks, so I doubt it's that.  Maybe it's sex.  Maybe it's random chance.  Maybe my cold is causing all the problems and I'm finally getting over my cold.  Maybe it's an answer to my prayers or the alignment of the stars.  I just don't know.  And the only reason I'm dwelling on this is because I want to keep moving in the direction of a little bit up.  I am grateful for the small bit of relief I'm feeling and am greedy and want to feel more.  Unfortunately, I don't know what the answer is.  It's frustrating and I'd better move to a different topic before I lose my little bit up.

One thing my therapist wants me to do is to start exercising.  I was doing fairly well for a while, but I've stopped.  I think I'll try running. I used to run (well, shuffle, really, but it's running for me) and even ran a marathon.  I think its time to start running again.  I know winter is a great time for that!  Oh well, I'll start with a mile tomorrow and see where I go from there.  And maybe I can get into exercising enough that I can back off the meds a bit, or altogether.  Who knows?  But for now, I'll plan on running a mile and see what happens.  One day at a time.  One little bit up at a time.

Damn, This Sucks

I think I went about 8 days or more feeling good; then several more weeks not feeling depressed.  But I'm back to depressed.  Damn, this really sucks.  I'm having some strange reactions to the medication (at least that's what I'm assuming) and the worst one is that I'm feeling very sluggish, in thoughts, words and actions.  It's left me feeling dull, slow and apathetic.  Plus I'm not sleeping well, so being tired is complicating the sluggishness.  I'm finding it really difficult to even write.

So what does my doctor want to do?  Add more medications into the mix.  I can't decide how I feel about that.  I guess I'll try it for a little while longer--try to get an effective combination.  But he says that it may be several weeks before I get some relief.  Big sigh.  I needed relief months ago, years ago even.  So what's another couple of weeks?

There were a lot of things I was going to write, but I can't seem to draw my focus. It's probably best I end for now and try and pull my thoughts together another time. 

4 Days and Counting

I am going on my 3rd week of being on a therapeutic dose of lithium.  I've had a week of feeling better and 4 days now of actually feeling good.  However, I'm tired tonight and a small voice inside of me is saying that I'm getting depressed again; this is because so much of my depression was tied to exhaustion, so I don't know how to feel tired but still feel fine or good.  I'm trying hard to just be tired and not over-analyze everything.

Today I found out that my nephew, who is only 10 years younger than me, is going into rehab for drug use.  He's married to this wonderful woman and has 4 darling children and I ache for him and his family.  This makes me wonder about the different problems we have to face.  There was a time. not so long ago, that I wanted to trade someone problems, just to be finished with the depression.  But I think about the extreme difficulties dealing with addictions and I'll stay with my depression, thank you very much. 

The amount of human suffering in the world is unimaginable.  When I stop and think about all the people, each with their own set of circumstances, each with their own grief, I feel guilty about my own depression because it's not caused by horrible circumstances or really bad choices made by myself or someone else.  It seems to be just mindless suffering, without a strong cause and without a real reason.  Anyway, I'm grateful I'm at least at a point right now where I can feel sorrow for someone else's problems.  A few months ago I couldn't have felt this overwhelming sadness for someone else because all I could feel was sadness in general.

So I'm almost 5 days into feeling much better and I'm not sure where to go with my thoughts and with blogging.  How does one relearn happiness if happiness (or at least lack of depression) seems to come in the form of a pill?  I struggle with this a lot--what is contentment, or happiness, or feeling good, for me, if the majority of it all seems to be a question of biochemistry?  I guess if that's truly how I feel, however, I've been wasting a lot of time and money in therapy.  And I don't think that's been a waste.  But I just don't know where the intersection between biochemistry and choice or behavior is.  Feeling good is as confusing as feeling bad!  Maybe it's just me and my tendency to over-analyze everything.  But it will be interesting to get reacquainted with myself in my non-depressed state.  It's been a long time and I don't remember her all that well.  I hope I like her.

As I read over this it feel disjointed and lacking in a clear theme.  But maybe it's the case where the form is a manifestation of the theme.  My confusion and concern about feeling good is close to the surface for me, so I guess it's okay to have a blog that is confusing as a representation of what I'm going through.  The confusion is real, but it's good.  I like having these new questions to deal with.  Let's just wait and see how long this can keep going.

Life Without Depression

Over the last 3 days I have started a therapeutic dose of my new medication.  I know it's too early to tell if there will be any change, but I'm anxiously waiting.  The thing is, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  Maybe I'll experience more energy, maybe the ability to focus more, and could I possibly hope for feeling more happy?  I'm still very confused about what causes happiness.  I know it's not situations or anything external, because if it was I would be happy right now and I know of too many stories of people who have found peace in extremely horrible external conditions.  Of course, peace and happiness are two different things, but they're sort of related.  I would settle for either one.

When I stop and think about it I realize that I am not sure what I want or expect from my life without depression.  And I am afraid to hope for a life without it.  But what does a life without depression look like, what do I want out of my life without depression?  For starters, I want more energy.  I want satisfaction in the activities I participate in.  It would also be nice to be able to do everyday activities (taking care of the house and yard) without a struggle. For example, doing the dishes or taking out the garbage without requiring a huge amount of effort and internal debate.  I would like to be able to enjoy my children.  It would be nice if the energy required for relationships just flowed out of me rather than having to be squeezed out of me every time.  I would like to feel desire and energy to finish my PhD.  I'd like to laugh more.  It would be good to get a bit of my self-confidence back.  And honestly, I'd like to feel happy more often than not.  I would like to know what normal feels like for normal people.  Anyone have any suggestions?

Seeing Through Fog

I thought I'd try writing about what is good in my life:
(sitting and thinking. . .)
This is hard right now, because anything I think of just feels trite, not honest.
Honestly I know I have a lot of good in my life, but the fog of depression keeps me from seeing my life clearly.  My life and the people in it lack clarity and focus; so my list of things that are good in my life might include "my children, my husband, my dogs, friends, and medical advances in brain biochemistry."  These would all be true, but they are too broad to be powerful enough to change my depression.  What I need is concrete moments that I can hold up close enough to my eyes to see them clearly, hold closely, so they don't fade away into the fog.

So, let me write about the few things I can see through the fog:

• My cat warming me at night, on my bed, always sleeping near my right arm.
• Having walked this morning when every part of me wanted to just crawl back in bed--I did it, damn it!
• Really good music that takes me away for the 3-4 minutes of its duration.
• The possibility of a new friend; even the slightest hint of a kindred spirit carries a lot of weight.