I will try

It feels like I have been chewed up and spit out with the end of the dissertation.  It's been over a month and I still feel all mushy and gooey--pretty much like any invertebrate--no backbone.  However, it's not all bad.  My medication content is slowly going down and I don't feel any worse; not any better, but not any worse.  So that's good news.  I'm very blessed to have good people to talk to--therapist, sister-in-law, friends. . .I have been dragging a bit lately, but right now I feel pretty good.  The overall messages I am getting for life is to follow your heart, be honest with yourself and others, just keep trying.  Now to implement all of these things; it will be hard because I'm feeling so squishy right now, but I will try.  Like the poem by Mary Oliver "I will try."

Dissertation-free Summer

Well, I passed by defense.  But it was a very grueling, disappointing, and dissatisfying experience.  I left feeling more stupid than when I started.  Since then I've been feeling pretty numb.  I don't know if it's depression, just general let-down after the defense, or a reaction to the change in my medications.  I've decided it's time to go off my meds and find out who I am, drug-free.  My doctor and I have set out a time-frame to start titrating off the medications, one at a time.  So I am almost completely off Viibryd, yet for the last two weeks I've had to force myself to do the normal things in life--get out of bed, get the kids off to school, get food, get the kids off to bed. . .I'm just not interested in anything and I've been on the verge of tears every day. 

There is some hope, however; or at least something to look forward to.  My husband and I are going to Hawaii for my friends' wedding.  We will get 5 days away from home, the kids, life, and we'll get to celebrate with my dear friend at the beginning of her new journey.  I'm really looking forward to the change of scenery.  Then summer begins--no more waking up early to get the kids off to school, no more early bedtimes.  I love summer and the lack of schedule that comes with it.  I love being lazy.  I also love the time my kids spend in the swimming pool and outside.  I love watching movies.  And I love all the different trips we have planned--family reunions, camping, etc.  So all in all, I guess I have quite a lot to look forward to.  And none of it has to do with my dissertation!  This will be my first dissertation-free summer in 7 years! 

Wish I Could Write Like That

While perusing FaceBook and avoiding working on my dissertation defense, I came across the following link that provides an excellent look at depression.  Just wanted to share with everyone--those of you who suffer from depression will totally understand, those who don't understand depression may gain some insights.  Sure wish I could write like that.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Enjoy!

Depression is a Waste of Life

I’m on a slippery slope down to feelings of worthlessness.  I’m so tired of my life, of being me.  I’m so tired of struggling with depression every day.  I don’t want to live my life this way; I want to enjoy life, enjoy the blessings in my life, and enjoy the path I’m on.  Instead, life is burdensome, I can never seem to get my mood up past mediocre.  It’s horrible.  I don’t see the purpose of all the good in my life, all my possibilities and potential, and then being saddled with depression.  My life is not working this way.  I wish I knew how to fight my way out of this, how to find peace. Living with depression seems like such a waste of life.  If there’s a reason or purpose to my living like this, I don’t see it; I can’t imagine it.  I’m weary and wish I could feel God’s presence and love in my life.  I’m very lonely.   

Validating Unhappiness

It appears that sitting with my disappointment for about a week, week and a half, has been enough for me to get back to moving again.  After a good discussion with my therapist, I came away feeling more of a desire to work on my dissertation and teaching responsibilities.  The sorrow I was feeling has ebbed and now I just feel resigned about my situation.  So I might as well make good use of these next 3 1/2 weeks before I defend.  But I'm also giving myself some room to relax and enjoy life. 

Maybe sometimes we just need to sit with the pain, languor in the shit that life brings us, go ahead and feel the disappointment, validating our feelings, not trying to negate them, and then we can move on.  Maybe relearning happiness is in part about validating and accepting the unhappiness as well as the happiness.

I Am Still Vertical

I've been really busy lately, trying to get ready to defend my dissertation.  There have been a lot of difficulties, but I was holding up quite well . . . until I got another delay on my defense date.  This time due to an error in paperwork.  It looks like I have to wait one more semester.  I can't believe it.  Now, the best that I can say is that I'm vertical.  I go from being really pissed off, to feeling really depressed, to feeling numb.  I'm just grateful I'm on some medications that have been working.  I think the meds are keeping me from getting severely depressed.  Count the little blessings in life, I guess.  I'm trying to think positively and am telling myself that now I have extra time to beef up on my statistics and other weak areas.  However, all I really want to do is cry and sleep--which I have been doing a lot of this last week. 

I just don't understand why I'm going through all of these challenges to simply defend my work.  It feels like someone really doesn't want me to finish this degree; I'm not sure if it's God or the Devil.  I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.  So I'm back in survival mode.  I should have been Dr. Hamblin-Hart right now and I had really geared myself up to make it through this week and then be free.  Now I have to carry this weight around for another month.  It's taking a toll on me and my relationships.  Everyone is being really supportive though, I've got a good family.  And that's a big blessing.

Garret and I were joking around about how things couldn't get any worse.  Then he said "what if you're sitting in commencement, all in your cap and gown, and they don't call your name?"  We decided that things can get worse, but not by much.

Defying Emotional Gravity

Well, it's been a while since I've written anything.  I feel like my life has been emotionally complex lately, and I haven't known when or what to write.  In many ways I'm feeling much better.  I'm on a new medication--Viibryd, and off of Prozac.  It seems to be a good switch, although my typical pattern is to feel better when on a new medication, but only to have it loose its effectiveness later.  So, I'm not holding my breath, but at least the side-effects have decreased since I've made the switch.

I've had the usual ups and downs associated with my dissertation.  That one professor is still throwing road blocks in my way, but I've stood up to him.  And even though my standing up for myself didn't change his opinion, I feel good about standing my ground. 

Life is turning out so differently than I thought it would.  I guess that's a completely normal feeling.  But I can't help feeling like I've failed in so many areas of my life--physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I feel as if I'm failing as a wife, as a friend, as a student, as a teacher, as an environmentalist, as a sister and daughter.  The only bright point is that I feel like I'm doing fairly well as a mother.  I've been told to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I wish it was that easy.  Unfortunately it's so much easier to start slipping down than it is to drag myself up; emotional gravity at work.  I feel like I'm working so hard at being "better" but there are times when the emotional experiences produce a physical response.  Some days I just go around with a pit in my stomach and a heaviness in my chest.  At times like these I feel like I'm being crushed under a great pressure.

I wonder if I'm just in the habit of being depressed.  I've been depressed for so long that my knee jerk response to conflict is one of anxiety and depression.  I wish I could change that.  I guess that's my big issue in life to deal with.  But it sucks.  Life is difficult for me.  I have to practically live minute to minute, with some hope and faith that the coming minutes will be better. 

I have, however, been having a lot more good days than I have in the past.  So that's a good thing to focus on.  The pit of my despair isn't so deep lately.  There are more moments when I can defy the emotional gravity of my life.  So there is some good.  And I may be failing, but I'm not giving up.