Baby Steps

Okay, I'm starting to feel a little bit better.  I'm still depressed, but not at the end of my rope anymore.  I don't know if the effects of daily exercising are kicking in or if my changes in diet are making a difference, but that doesn't really matter right now, it's just nice not to want it all to end anymore.

That being said, I am giving myself emotional whiplash.  The kids have started school and I have a tendency to take all their stress and anxiety so seriously.  It weighs heavy on me, even though they're doing fine.  I tend to fixate on it and let their anxiety turn into mine.  It sucks.  Also, with the start of school, I'm left wondering what to do with myself all day.  I no longer have the dissertation to work on and I have no job.  There's plenty of house/yard work to do, but I really hate that type of work, so I avoid it at all costs.  Some of the time I think I really need a job, other times I think I'd just like a job, and still at other times I have no desire to work at all.  And I go through these feelings several times each day.  I used to be so focused, I knew what was important in life and I had the desire to do those important things.  But now, meh.  I really don't know what is important and I just can't find it in me to care.  It's hard to try and apply for jobs, go to the farmer's market, get outside and weed, do laundry, go to Costco, vacuum . . . Everything is still just takes an inordinate amount of energy and I'm not sure what to do about it.  Baby steps, I guess.

Nature

Our family went backpacking this weekend in the Wenaha-Tucannon Wilderness in the Blue Mountains of south-eastern Washington.  I was really banking on this trip; in the past the one thing that grounded me was getting out in the wilderness.  It took a lot of energy for me to make this trip happen.  I wasn't sure I had it in me to really get out there, but I did.  I had been looking forward to the possibility of backpacking for weeks, it was the one thing I knew would help me feel better.  But this trip failed to recharge me.  I felt isolated out there and strangely scared.  I couldn't find the wonder of nature.  I couldn't enjoy the wonder my children felt being out in nature.  Everything was wrong.  Now I'm at a loss of what to do.  If Nature can no longer ground me, get to the essence of my self, then what is there?  I feel like something fundamental in me has been broken.  I'm just a shell of who I used to be--I don't know myself any more.  And I don't like what is left. 

Empty

It's been a month and I've gone from feeling like a squishy invertebrate to feeling like a caged animal.  There seem to be 2 choices for me right now: pace around maddeningly or sit and do nothing.  I sit.  There’s no purpose to a caged animal, it cannot fulfill the measure of its creation.  There is no purpose in me, I do not know what the measure of my creation is.

My depression has worsened over the last month.  I feel empty and cannot find meaning to my life.  I feel like a story-teller who can no longer see stories in the world around me.  I am finally medication-free and now looking at alternative therapies like nutritional therapy.  I met with a nutritional therapist yesterday.  The skeptic in me doesn't think it will make much difference, but I will give it a shot.  She started me out on a dysbiocide to balance out all the microbes in me.  And she wants me to eat veggies at every meal.  That will be a challenge, especially since eating isn't high on my priority list.  But it can't hurt.  I'm also trying to exercise every day.  Again, it's a challenge.  I guess I'm not completely hopeless, because I am trying a few things to counter the depression.  But it all feels like a feeble attempt.

My entire life was spent with the feeling that I was supposed to get my PhD.  Now that I have it, it doesn't seem to matter.  The only difference it's made is to make me question what I thought was a true part of myself, one of the defining parts of myself--the academic.   Now academia seem pointless.  My life seems pointless.

I will try

It feels like I have been chewed up and spit out with the end of the dissertation.  It's been over a month and I still feel all mushy and gooey--pretty much like any invertebrate--no backbone.  However, it's not all bad.  My medication content is slowly going down and I don't feel any worse; not any better, but not any worse.  So that's good news.  I'm very blessed to have good people to talk to--therapist, sister-in-law, friends. . .I have been dragging a bit lately, but right now I feel pretty good.  The overall messages I am getting for life is to follow your heart, be honest with yourself and others, just keep trying.  Now to implement all of these things; it will be hard because I'm feeling so squishy right now, but I will try.  Like the poem by Mary Oliver "I will try."

Dissertation-free Summer

Well, I passed by defense.  But it was a very grueling, disappointing, and dissatisfying experience.  I left feeling more stupid than when I started.  Since then I've been feeling pretty numb.  I don't know if it's depression, just general let-down after the defense, or a reaction to the change in my medications.  I've decided it's time to go off my meds and find out who I am, drug-free.  My doctor and I have set out a time-frame to start titrating off the medications, one at a time.  So I am almost completely off Viibryd, yet for the last two weeks I've had to force myself to do the normal things in life--get out of bed, get the kids off to school, get food, get the kids off to bed. . .I'm just not interested in anything and I've been on the verge of tears every day. 

There is some hope, however; or at least something to look forward to.  My husband and I are going to Hawaii for my friends' wedding.  We will get 5 days away from home, the kids, life, and we'll get to celebrate with my dear friend at the beginning of her new journey.  I'm really looking forward to the change of scenery.  Then summer begins--no more waking up early to get the kids off to school, no more early bedtimes.  I love summer and the lack of schedule that comes with it.  I love being lazy.  I also love the time my kids spend in the swimming pool and outside.  I love watching movies.  And I love all the different trips we have planned--family reunions, camping, etc.  So all in all, I guess I have quite a lot to look forward to.  And none of it has to do with my dissertation!  This will be my first dissertation-free summer in 7 years! 

Wish I Could Write Like That

While perusing FaceBook and avoiding working on my dissertation defense, I came across the following link that provides an excellent look at depression.  Just wanted to share with everyone--those of you who suffer from depression will totally understand, those who don't understand depression may gain some insights.  Sure wish I could write like that.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Enjoy!

Depression is a Waste of Life

I’m on a slippery slope down to feelings of worthlessness.  I’m so tired of my life, of being me.  I’m so tired of struggling with depression every day.  I don’t want to live my life this way; I want to enjoy life, enjoy the blessings in my life, and enjoy the path I’m on.  Instead, life is burdensome, I can never seem to get my mood up past mediocre.  It’s horrible.  I don’t see the purpose of all the good in my life, all my possibilities and potential, and then being saddled with depression.  My life is not working this way.  I wish I knew how to fight my way out of this, how to find peace. Living with depression seems like such a waste of life.  If there’s a reason or purpose to my living like this, I don’t see it; I can’t imagine it.  I’m weary and wish I could feel God’s presence and love in my life.  I’m very lonely.