Power in Irritation

For my book group we read “Everyday Sacred” by Sue Bender.  I suggested it.  It’s been a while since I’ve read it, but it’s really good.  She talks about the begging bowl, about accepting whatever is put in our bowl for the day, about seeing the beauty in the ordinary.  I really like her analogies and ideas.  There was a time when I felt I could reach those goals.  Right now though, they feel out of reach.  I feel so empty that I can’t imagine how to find significance and meaning in my life.  I’ve been empty for so long.  I’m so weary of it. 

I've been back on Deplin for 2 weeks now.  I haven't felt any positive mood enhancement.  I still feel really down.  But I no longer have the headaches, although I have been a bit irritable.  I'm not sure if it's the Deplin or not; the irritability is more focused, rather than general irritability at everything.  I'm wanting to use that irritation to force me to speak my mind more often.  Over the last 5-10 years I've really become a quiet woman who rarely speaks out on my opinions.  I used to be much more vocal about my opinions, even opinionated.  But for some reason I started keeping things to myself.  Now I feel like I've just become spineless and I think I need to find my backbone again.  And I think feeling irritated might help in that.  Wish me luck. 

Still, I Have To Vacuum

I hate vacuuming.  I love the end result, but hate everything about the process.  I hate how it makes me face how dirty my animals make my house; it makes me hate having animals.  I hate the physical effort it takes to vacuum.  I hate emptying the hair and dust out into the garbage.  I hate it so much that I stew for days before I finally decide to tackle it.  And then it only takes about 20-30 minutes (depending on how many rooms I have to do), but still, I hate it before I vacuum, while I'm vacuuming, and I feel angry after I vacuum because I had to do it.  Crazy, I know.  But that's how I feel about vacuuming.  It sucks (pun intended).

I'm afraid that I'm not having a great experience with Deplin.  Since I started it I have had a continuous headache that won't go away.  And I've been very irritable.  I was doing some research online and found a site that said that high doses of methylfolate could cause several side effects, headaches and irritability among them.  The website (mthfr.net) said that you should start out with low doses (but I can't find out exactly what is considered "low").  It does say that the amount in Deplin is usually too high.  So I contacted my doctor about this and she said that 15 mg is where they start and then they go up from that.  She suggested taking the Deplin every other day.  Instead, I've stopped taking it (for 2 days now) to see if any of my symptoms stop.  My headache is mostly gone, but the irritability has stayed.  I'm so tired of all the guess work and self-testing that goes into all of this.  And I've just got 3 months of Deplin (at quite an expense) from my pharmacy (I have to use mail-in due to my insurance).  So now I have all this Deplin that is probably at too high a dose and I've wasted all that money that could have been better spent else-where.  I'm so mad.

And who am I to believe?  Some random website or my doctor?  There's so much conflicting information out there.  My nutritional therapist suggested going off gluten.  Great, one more thing to try and control in my life.  How does one go off gluten?  Everything I eat has it in it.  And I'm not that fond of eating in the first place, so changing my entire diet is far from appealing or easy for me.  This makes me feel so crabby.  I'm really weary of trying to get my depression under control.  Nothing seems to be working.  I feel like I'm doomed to live life like this, without any relief from the depression.  I really would rather fade away and not have to live like this.  The depression is affecting every aspect of my life.  It's not good.  It complicates everything.  And still, I have to vacuum.

Stabilized Mood

My mood has stabilized.  I'm no longer in the pit of despair.  However, I still lack energy, motivation, and interest in much.  But I'm okay with that right now.  That being said, I did get my hormone levels checked and had the test for the MTHFR gene anomaly done.  My progesterone and testosterone are very low.  I'm also heterozygous for one of the MTHFR mutations.  Now my options are hormone therapy and/or Deplin.  Since I don't seem to have a lot of the other symptoms of low progesterone and testosterone, I've decided to try the Deplin (l-methylfolate) first.  It's fairly expensive, but the research I've done shows promising results.  Tomorrow I start taking it.  I'll keep you posted.  After a couple of months I'll revisit the hormone issue.  I'm a bit hesitant to start tweaking with my hormones; I'm not sure why, but it sort of makes me nervous.  The Deplin has little to no side effects and is actually considered "medical food."  I'm not sure what I'll do with myself if I start feeling energized and interested in life.  But I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

On another note, I completed an application for a tenure track university position.  I don't think I'm very competitive since the advertisement said they were giving preference to plant geneticists and I'm a plant ecologist.  However, they do want a plant person to teach a variety of botany classes, which I can do.  It was mainly an exercise in taking some action in my life.  I'm content to read and watch Netflix right now.

Where to Turn

After spending a lot of the week reading and watching TV (although there was some house cleaning going on), I think I've identified that I'm lonely.  Now I know that my therapist would strongly encourage me to do something like join some community clubs or get a job (for the human interaction, if nothing else), but I'm not sure I care that I'm lonely.  I don't care enough or am not lonely enough to want to do anything about it.  In some ways I'm enjoying my loneliness.  And I've realized that part-time teaching, whether on a campus or on-line, is really a lonely endeavor too.  The only interaction I would have would be with students for a short period of time each week; but there's really no interaction with colleagues or anything. 

I just finished reading "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving, and in it the character, Owen Meany, says "IF YOU’RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A WAY OF LIFE YOU LOVE, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE COURAGE TO LIVE IT.”  I really like that.  I think I used to have a life I loved, namely academia.  Maybe I no longer love it, or maybe I've lost the courage to live it.  Either way, I'm left without a life I love.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I love my friends; I just am not doing anything that concerns me that I love.  And I'm struggling with finding meaning in life.  Religion, of which I've been actively involved in all my life, is no longer providing the answers for me that it once did.  Academia no longer provides the answers that it once did.  Friends are not really providing me with any answers.  I have no idea where to turn now.  I feel like I spend all of this time cogitating on the meaning of life and I don't seem to be getting anywhere.  Maybe I'm spending too much time thinking and need to be doing more.  But I don't know what to do. 

Off Day

I’m feeling off today.  I don’t know why.  Yesterday I had a great conversation with my therapist, but today I’m just down.  I feel like all of my emotions are bubbling up to the surface and I’m afraid I might lose control of them.  I’ve worked so hard at keeping things under control.   

Today I went to my nutritional therapist and she talked to me about energy work, suggested I might look into it.  Part of me is really curious, but the scientist in me balks at the idea.  I don’t know what I’ll do, but I’m feeling somewhat desperate.  It definitely wouldn’t hurt to get some energy work done, it’s completely non-invasive.  But would I just be wasting my money?  We'll see.

Movies, Books, TV

Well, I'd written a post this morning and had internet problems and lost it all.  But oh well.  Maybe this post will be better.  Who can say?

I spent the weekend reading books and watching "The Big Bang Theory," which always makes me laugh.  That's a good thing too, because the books I read were sad.  I read "The Silver Linings Playbook" by Mathew Quick and "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky.  Both deal with mental illness.  Both seem to have an overall optimistic ending.  Both made me really sad, though.  Life is just so difficult for so many people.  It makes me wonder what the point is to life, anyway.  I suppose the best we can do in this life is to be there, in anyway possible, for others.  I know I've been blessed to have people do that for me.  And I can only hope that I've been that for others.  But I just worry that I'm missing out, in an important way, of being there for others.  I worry that I'm going to miss some cue from my children and be totally ignorant of struggles they have or will go through.  I worry that my kids will grow up and I won't really know them and they won't come to me with their heartaches.  For sure that's the pattern for me and my parents.  I don't think my parents really know me; I surely don't share with them how I'm really feeling.  Maybe not my dad as much as my mom, but my dad's dead, so I'm left without him.  And I seem to have a hard time just letting people in.  Sometimes what I carry feels so heavy and scary that I don't dare share it fully with someone else.

I think I need to find a lighter book to read.  I also need to go grocery shopping and pay some attention to my messy house.  I hate housework.  On a more positive note, I found some on-line teaching gigs.  The only problem is that I can't seem to find the energy necessary to apply.  You have to write a "teaching philosophy" which I seem to have lost.  I can't say I feel teaching is all that important anymore.  I used to be sure of things, at least a few things.  Now I'm unsure about everything.  I must be going through a mid-life crisis.  How can I be this far in my life and feel so lost?  It's like I'm back in my teenage years.  Except back then I felt a passion about life, about learning.  And also, I have teenagers of my own now. 

Lately it feels like I'm living my life very superficially.  I don't want to analyze things--people, ideas, events, myself.  I used to do this all the time, but now I don't want to think too much.  I don't want to dredge up anything complicated and messy.  I want to assume everyone is trying their hardest to be the best person they can be.  This makes it hard to really be there for other people, because life is basically complicated and messy.  I just don't want to have any conflict in my life right now.  But I worry that I'm sacrificing relationships because of it.  I'm even tired of trying to figure myself out.  I guess that's why I so readily loose myself in movies, books, TV.  But, as this weekend showed me, I have to pick my books, movies and TV out carefully.  Just good escape stories, nothing that will make me think too much.  This makes me sad though, because there was a time in my life when I loved a challenging story.  Maybe this is just a phase and I'll find my old, analytical, caring self again. 

This Life

I was going to write yesterday and talk about how much better things are going.  I was feeling more energized, more hopeful, more interested in life.  But I didn't take the time to do that.  Now today, I'm feeling down again.  It's exhausting, this life.