Rubble

Last night, as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I had an image of myself sitting in a pile of rubble.  The rubble was my base of academia, my life of academia.  It’s been devastated and I’m left just sitting in all of this dust, bricks, rebar, wondering what to do.  I’m not sure where to start with clean-up or rebuilding.  It’s all so huge.  But that’s where I feel like I am in life—rebuilding.  I’m rebuilding my idea of what is important in life, what I want to do with my life, where I fit in and where I can be to feel important.  Actually, I’m not at the rebuilding phase yet.  Like I said, I don’t know where to start.  I can’t even imagine a new life, I can’t imagine what this new building would look like or even what type of building I want. 

This evening I went out with a friend and talked.  She is really good at giving me hope.  I was telling her about my rubble metaphor and she suggested that I don’t worry about cleaning up; that I should just build somewhere else.  Hmm.  Interesting idea.  Where should I go to rebuild?  That idea has so many more possibilities than sitting around, trying to clean up and start over again.  Cleaning up would mean I pick up one brick and remember everything I loved about that brick; I'd never be able to throw it out and move on.  I really need to find a new place to build.  That idea has hope and possibility.  Those are good things to fight depression with.

50 lb. pack

Here's an apt metaphor for those of us who struggle with depression.  I've been thinking about how it would be different to tackle life's problems if you didn't have depression to go with it--I imagine one could face one's difficulties with hope.  When depression is one of your difficulties, it makes all the other problems just that much harder.  So, here's the metaphor when you live with depression:  You're at a race and the gun goes off and everyone starts to run.  You start running too, but you're way behind everyone.  As you look around yourself, you realize that you have a 50 lb. pack on your back, whereas most people are running without a pack at all.  That's it.  Of course I realize I'm not the only one wearing a pack in the race.  I'm struggling to keep up with some really neat people, people I only get to know because I'm slow and in the back of the race with them. 

If I didn't have the pack on while racing, maybe I'd be an Olympic runner.  But, as my therapist (who came up with the metaphor) said, maybe I'd be a narcissistic ass, too.  Having the pack does tend to give one empathy.  Empathy is a good thing.  But I'll tell you, I'm ready to take the pack off for a while.  I guess I did have it off for a little bit--got a breather.  But I've hefted it back on and I've started trying to race along with it again.  Here's to strong shoulders.

Darkening

Maybe I jinxed myself.  I was secretly wondering if the last 2 months were too good to be true.  My thoughts are darkening and I'm scared.  I don't think I can go back to that place.  But is it too much to ask for, to just be able to live without depression?  I'm not even talking about being happy, I'll settle for just not depressed for more than a couple of months at a time.

Two Months Depression-Free

Two months of living depression-free!  I can hardly believe it.  I'm beginning to think I kicked that black dog out of my life for a good long while.  Of course, I don't want to jinx myself. 

I'm finding that although I'm not depressed, I'm not brimming with joy either.  There is a deep-seated sadness that is persisting, but it isn't as heavy as when I'm depressed.  In fact, I think the hard shell of depression was protecting my sorrow.  But I can look at the sorrow now, and deal with it. 

As far as enjoying life goes, I have yet to find my passion in life.  Still feeling passionless.  Still have to start teaching in a week.  How can I teach something well when I don't feel passionate about it?  Teachers who lack passion about the subject they're teaching are boring and uninspiring.  At least I can sit down and think about work, even get some work done.

Whenever I get a spurt of energy I tend to start listing all the things I'm going to accomplish.  I felt myself doing that today--I was considering taking on a lot of things just because I'm not depressed anymore.  However, I'm holding myself back, because I sense that I'm still in the healing process and need to give myself time and freedom.  I don't want to just start filling my life with busy activities.  What I really want is to ground myself, explore my emotions, figure out who I am in the middle of my life.  I hope I can do that and still have time for those around me; it's a balancing act--taking care of yourself and taking care of others.  For the last four years I've been running on empty, but still taking care of the basic needs of my family.  Part of me feels guilty for needing more time.  But it's as if I was just clinging onto the face of a cliff in the middle of a storm and now I've climbed up over the cliff and I'm just lying flat on my back.  I'm at the precipice, trying to get enough energy and nerve to stand up, maybe even look over cliff's ledge to see what I've overcome.

So despite my cultural and religious upbringing, that tells me I "should" take care of everyone else, especially now that I'm feeling better, I'm refusing to be guilted into doing more than I can.  Even that alone is a big accomplishment.

Exercise: Running Errands

Luckily the slipping didn't land in the bottom of the well again.  I'm coming back up and trying not to let the Holidays stress me out.  It's dumb to turn this beautiful season into a crab-fest.  I should rethink the whole Santa thing.

I'll be spending Christmas with family and I'm not all that stressed about it.  Usually I dread it, just because it takes so much energy to put on the happy face.  I do love being with my family and friends, and I think this year will be better. 

I missed jogging for 3 days due to the need to run errands.  Too bad running errands doesn't count as running! I'd be in great shape right now!  However, I forced myself to get out today, even though every part of me wanted to curl up with a book.  So, point for me.  I'm always glad after the fact; sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me putting on my running shoes every day.  But I'm clinging to the belief that this exercise is part of the key to my recovery.  And really, it is nice to use my body for something like jogging.  I'm 45 and still able to move my muscles and joints without too much pain!

Slipping

For almost 3 weeks I've lived without the dark pull of depression.  But I'm slipping.  I'm not sure what exactly is causing the change, but I do know it's coinciding with the stress I'm feeling over Christmas.  I'm feeling frantic and worried and stressed.  I want to get the "perfect" gifts for people, but I don't really feel like going shopping--I just don't have time to do any relaxed shopping.  Then there's the whole issue of how much money to spend.  And in less than a week we'll be traveling to visit family, so I have to get everything ready for that.  It's too much, but if I don't do it, how will it get done?

I'm hoping that this doesn't last and that I keep myself from slipping down any further.  I should get out and go jogging, it's actually a lot warmer than the 23 degrees (F) that I have been jogging in.  But I have so much to do today, people expecting me to be places at certain times, so I don't think I can get it in today.  My mood is such that I'm not too sad about it, but I know I really "should" exercise today.  Oh well, c'est la vie.  I really just have to try not to let my thoughts spiral downward and out of control, but it's hard.  I wish the Christmas season was really more relaxing and beautiful than it is for me this year.  With that being said, Merry Christmas everyone!

Good Place To Be

I am still feeling relieved from my depression.  It's almost been two weeks.  That's the longest time I've felt good in the last 4 years.  I've been trying to figure out what has helped me--the new medication I'm on?  The exercise?  The breakthroughs I've had in therapy? 

The weather has turned bitterly cold and it's making jogging hard.  But I'm afraid to stop jogging because I feel like if I do, maybe the depression will creep back.  I've got to figure out a way to jog in really cold weather.  I know people do it, I just haven't found the right combination of layers yet.  Exercising indoors isn't much of an option because jogging outside serves the dual purpose of getting me out and getting the dogs out.

It's strange to be feeling good.  I do feel a little guilty about it though, which is strange, I know.  I feel guilty towards others I know that are still feeling depressed.  I'm not sure why I'm doing better and they're not.  I don't have any magic bullet.  All that I can seem to say is keep going.  Eventually, even if it's 4 years later, it will get better.  I'm also a bit afraid--I'm worried about how long this will last.  I'm not counting on it staying around for any length of time.  I'm just taking it day by day.  When I get tired I sometimes get scared that the depression is coming back, but I think it's just basic tiredness, not the weariness that comes from depression.

Anyway, I'm really hopeful.  It's a good place to be.