Happiness is . . .

Well, I had a day this week, where I didn't feel anxious or depressed. I was able to run an errand to the grocery store without feeling overwhelmed, irritable, or bogged down at all. I just went to the store. I was friendly to people, I got the items I needed, and it was all really easy. I wonder if that is how happy people feel most of the time. So this all has got me to thinking about what happiness is to me. Here's my thoughts on it:

Happiness is . . .
-Being able to go to the store without any emotional or physical effort.
-Being able to get out of bed without any feelings of dread or dislike.
-Spontaneous moments of fun with my children (where I am spontaneous about having fun).
-Going through the day without long moments of sitting and staring out into space.
-Not feeling anxious.
-Not worrying about whether other people like me or not.
-Effortlessly making transitions throughout the day.
-Not feeling bogged down.
-Self-confidence.

Now the tricky part is figuring out how to duplicate these feeling (or lack thereof) and make that a normal part of my life. I wonder if "normal" (i.e. not depressed) people go through life like that most of the time. I envy them if they do. Depression sucks. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia. It is a chronically low level of depression where my "up" times are more in line with most people's "normal" and my "normal" times are in line with most people's "low" times. That means my "low" times are usually a major depression. Which leaves me to wonder when do I ever get to experience the normal "high" of life? Dysthymia sucks even worse than depression, because there's not a time constraint on feeling down. You generally feel down.

Writing about all of this is dysthymia is not working. . .I was doing better with the task of figuring out what happiness is. I guess for me, happiness is the average person's normal.

Sound and Fury

My big question these last couple of days is how can I gain better self-discipline? I need to finish my dissertation, but instead of making a lot of time to write, I find a lot of ways to waste my time. I've been reading a book about how to write more and one important point is that you won't ever find time to write, you have to allot time to write. So I have tried to set aside several hours a each day to write and to act as if those times were like hours working--I could never blow off work to talk on the phone or something, so I can't blow off time writing to talk on the phone, read a good book, or the like. It worked for a week or so, but since our spring break vacation I'm finding it hard to keep those writing hours separate and sacred. Part of the reason is because my mind is like mush and I can't find words. But that's just another excuse. It seems like I'm full of excuses. But I'm at the point where I need to finish this soon.

So, I have a real desire to finish, but am finding it difficult to actually do the work. What is wrong with me? Am I really not that motivated to finish my dissertation? Are the excuses I come up with merely excuses and full of sound and fury but signifying nothing? I sort of feel like a lot of my life is just that: sound and fury signifying nothing. All my woes, all of my struggles to finish this degree, all of my depression. It takes up a lot of my time and emotional energy, but ultimately is just a lot of hot air and is ultimately insignificant. And when I say that I'm not trying to say "poor me." I am saying it sincerely and wondering if I need to just get over myself and start living my life: start writing the damnable dissertation; start enjoying my life, my kids, my husband; stop wasting time and start using my potential. I may not be ultra smart, but I'm not dumb. I may not be super talented, but I'm not lacking talent. I may not be the best wife and mother, but I am a good wife and mother. So, get off my duff and do something! This is my pep talk for the week.

Beach Memories

I'm itchin' to write, but I'm not sure what I want to write about, or what I want to say. While on vacation for the last 4 days I had forgotten to bring my anti-depressants and I could really tell a difference. My thoughts slowly tumbled downward to the point where I just hated everything about myself and sleep felt like the best way to avoid my feelings. Now, I'm one day back on my meds and starting to feel better. However, my moods and thoughts seem to be whipping back and forth between depressed and not depressed, to the point of giving me severe emotional whiplash. And I feel like I'm slogging through time as if I was trudging through pudding. I had thought I would write about all of the things I really hate about myself but figured I'd try and be more positive and at least include the things I like about myself. Yet right now neither of those things seem very interesting. Instead, I want to write about the moments during our vacation to Moclips, WA (on the coast) that were most memorable. They are (in no particular order):

• finding 65 perfect sand dollars on the beach


• seeing a herd of elk (ostensibly Roosevelt Elk) in the Hoh Rainforest


• hiking in the Hoh Rainforest, in the rain, of course


• seeing bald eagles


• listening to the chorus of frogs every night, just outside my bedroom window


• watching tiny bubbles scuttle across the water and sand, looking, for all intents and purposes, as if they were living creatures


• watching the kids being chased by the waves


• finding pebbles in the sand

Not a bad list considering the overshadowing depressive thoughts and the constant downpour of rain that called itself spring weather on the coast. So, this is me, working at being happy, fighting off the natural desire to slip downwards. The emotional landscape is much like the physical landscape and the 2nd law of thermodynamics--Entropy always increases, unless you put energy into the system. And unless I'm putting some major energy into my emotional state, I'm always headed toward entropy and depression. Hmm, maybe I should put more thought into the similarities between the laws of thermodynamics and how they relate to emotional landscapes. . .look for this exciting discussion in the future! For, now, it is enough.

Perpetually Positive People

I had no idea how depressing my blog seems. Here I was, thinking I was making great progress in being happy/upbeat/positive about my life and then I went and read several blogs from other people--happy people, apparently. Boy, my blog sure seems glum to some of these other blogs. It was depressing to read such positive things from people who have amazing struggles to overcome! Imagine that, being discouraged over positive people! Well, I am trying. And despite how depressing my blog sounds, I am making progress. I probably will just never be one of those perpetually positive people. Sigh.

Two Helpful Things

So I was pretty discouraged when I wrote my last post. It's been several hours and I'm not feeling as down. Once again, one thing I find really helpful is my Tae Kwon Do class. The focus on my body and the forms I'm trying to learn and remember is very calming for me. I still feel deeply saddened and worried for my nephew and sister, but my outlook on life isn't so bleak. As far as my question goes, I'm still not sure all the pain is worth it, but what else is there? My options are limited, either live or die. And since dying is quite permanent I'm not willing to commit to that. So, I'm left with living. With that option one can choose to live well or live poorly. I'd rather live well, or at least as best I can at the moment. But I have yet to find out if I'm living well.

There is another thing I find really helpful--books, or stories. For some reason it's easier to get lost in the troubles on a page than it is in real life. I think it's because a good storyteller gets me to invest my emotions and energy into characters, but the disasters/problems/plot is ultimately resolved by the end of the book. Whereas in life, we aren't so lucky. We have to live it before we find out the ending. I hate that. I guess that's where faith comes in--believing that things will end well, even though everything seems disastrous at the moment. So, I have to ask myself "do I have enough faith to live and live well?" There's only one way to find out.

Personal Disasters

I find it really difficult to feel like life is worth living when I hear about the horrible things people have to deal with. Generally life goes on without major troubles, but then disaster strikes. I'm not talking about the earthquake, tsunami and such in Japan; although that is a terrible, terrible situation. But the things I fear are the personal disasters, the troubles we find ourselves in due to bad decisions, other peoples bad decisions, and just the basic shit that comes with being alive.

Thanks to anti-depression medication I have my depression under a modicum of control, but I just found out that my nephew is in a lot of trouble with the law as well as having his girlfriend die in his home, while they were both taking a Sunday afternoon nap. Granted, the two of them have made some lousy decisions in their lives, but still, my heart aches for him, for my sister, for his girlfriend's loved ones. I can't help but wonder if life is good enough to warrant going through such difficult times. My other sister lost her only child to a freak caving accident several years ago and now this sister has some horrible days/weeks/months ahead of her. When I think about all of the suffering in the world I get overwhelmed. I hate feeling this way about life, but I'm at a lost as to how to feel differently.

Wisdom is a Tree

I just finished the book "These is my words: the diary of Sarah Agnes Prine 1881-1901" by Nancy E. Turner. It was really good and I loved the main character, Sarah. She has a passion for learning that she describes as a greedy feeling. I relate to that. There's a quote I want to share:

". . . wisdom is not a path, it is a tree. . . I have been sad almost a whole year, thinking that taking that test was somehow the end of my learning and that not having that as a possibility in my future left a big empty spot in my life that the children and the ranch didn't fill. But my life is not like that, it is a tree, and I can stay in one place and spread out in all directions, and I can do more learning shading this brood of mine than if I was all alone. I declare, it is like some other part of me made up some rules about happiness and I just went a long with them without thinking. My heart is lightened so much that I am amazed at how sad I felt for so long."

This is similar to my struggles--I have been on a path to get my PhD, and every little detour has made me feel like I was getting farther from my destination, farther from that possibility. And I have had a big empty place in my life that my children, husband, and domestic life doesn't fill. I'm trying now to stay in one place, a place different from where I want to be, a place farther from the path of academia, and spread out in all directions. I haven't reached the point where I feel like I can do this better with my brood than if I was all alone, but I do know I have made up some rules about happiness that I've believed and gone along with them without really thinking. It's time to question the rules of happiness that I've made up and see if I can lighten my heart.

In a way, the direction my life has taken is requiring me to think outside the academic box. That is really hard for someone who grew up in an academic household and believed that was exactly how everyone else lived. Being on some university campus is as natural as breathing. I've worn these ideas for so long that it feels just like part of my own skin and now I'm trying to shed that skin but have no one to teach me how to do it. Maybe it's more like being a caterpillar and when the time is right I'll know how to spin my chrysalis. I would like to believe there is a butterfly inside of me, one that is independent of any university or institution. Maybe I just need to be patient and hopeful and try putting down some roots in this desert that is now my home.