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So, I have just learned I may have been misdiagnosed all these years.  That could be good because if that's the case, there are different medications that will work better than the slew of anti-depressants I've been slogging through and reaping few benefits from.  It will take a couple of weeks and some more diagnostic tests, but I'm somewhat hopeful.  The strange thing is trying on a new diagnostic hat, so to speak.  I've spent 20 years or so defining myself as a "depressed" person, at least some of the time.  Now, maybe I've been wrong.  I wonder if changing labels will change the reality I live in.   

Signature Strengths

My therapist recommended a book to me called "Authentic Happiness" by Martin E. P. Seligman.  Normally I wouldn't spend time on a book with a title like that--it sounds a little cheesy.  However, I respect my therapists opinion so I got the book.  It's not too bad.  In it he writes "I believe that the highest success in living and the deepest emotional satisfaction comes from building and using your signature strengths.  So, what is a signature strength?  They are attributes or strengths of character that one self-consciously owns.  That doesn't say much, but if you look up the author he has a website with a test you can take to find your signature strengths.  He also mentions the following as ways to identify your signature strengths:   Is there a sense of ownership and authenticity ("this is the real me"), a feeling of excitement while displaying it, a rapid learning curve as the strength is first practiced, continuous learning of new ways to enact the strength, a sense of yearning to find ways to use it, a feeling of inevitability in using the strength, invigoration rather than exhaustion while using the strength, the creation and pursuit of personal projects that revolve around it, and joy, zest, enthusiasm, even ecstasy while using it.

As I've been reading the book and taking the tests, the results show that my top signature strengths are love of learning, curiosity, appreciation of beauty and integrity.  I think I would add teaching to that list, or at least sharing my love of learning.  However, during the last two years of working on this degree I feel like there's been this constant chipping away at my resolve.  This has left me questioning my signature strengths--particularly my ability to learn.  And it has taken the joy out of learning for me.  I end up feeling like I can't accomplish anything and now it's seeping into my confidence in my teaching.  So, I question what my signature strengths really are. 

My therapist suggested another signature strength to me--perseverance.  She believes that without perseverance I would have quit working on my degree long ago.  I guess that's a good way of thinking about it.  Hopefully it's enough to keep me hanging in there until I finish.  Part of me wants to finish just so I can say I did it, without any thanks to my advisor (he's so uninspiring and one who has been doing most of the undermining of my confidence). So, I'd love to "stick it to the man" by finishing and not giving up.  But truthfully, right now, the main reason I'm considering finishing this damnable degree is so I can get a decent job to pay off my student loans.

That makes me sad though, to be reduced to using economics as a motivating factor.  I want my signature strength back, I want to finish this degree because I love learning.  But maybe right now I should be glad that I at least have one reason to finish.

My dad, if he were alive, would say "to Hell with them! You can do this without them."  But you know, I need them--the academic community--to validate me.  I thrive on having a professor telling me I've done a good job, that I'm an exceptional student, etc.  I used to get that a lot, back when I was an undergrad and getting my master's.  But not so much anymore.  My advisor never tells me I'm even just good enough, let alone exceptional.  When I was younger, although I thrived on the praise, I used to worry that one day they'd see through me and realize that I wasn't that great.  I think now, that I lack that praise, a part of me says "look, see they finally figured out what a fraud you are and how mediocre of a scientist you are."  I feel like the lack of praise I'm getting now is the true assessment of myself, rather than the kudos I got when I was younger.  Somehow I've let this one person undo the confidence I have in myself.  One persons opinion is outweighing multiple opinions of people who said I was good enough.  And not just good enough, but exceptional.  How is it that I've given one man so much power over me?  I'm just realizing this as I'm writing it and it pisses me off!  I have got to work on that.  Somehow I need to take that power back and not allow one persons poor opinion negate all the positive ones.

Okay, I've blathered on long enough.  But I think a portion of my depression has come from allowing my advisor to sabotage my signature strengths.  And that's just not right.  Now, if I only had the energy to fight back.  Unfortunately, the depression has zapped me of my strength and will.  But I will persevere.  That may be the most important signature strength yet.

Good Books and Rumination

I've just started reading a novel called The History of Love by Nicole Krauss and I'm taken in after only 20 pages.  Here's a part of the book that really struck home to me:

    "It had been so long, I didn't know any other way of being.  One day I woke up and said to myself: it's not too late.  The first days were strange.  I had to practice smiling in front of the mirror.  But it came back to me.  It was as a weight had been lifted.  I let go, and something let go of me."

I wish I knew what I had to let go of.  It's been about 2 years now, and I don't seem to be getting any better, assuming there is a better.  In this book, the character is talking about letting go of anger, but I've heard it said that depression is anger turned inside.  Actually, when I stop and think about it, I am pretty angry. 

I'm angry at my dad for dying.  I'm angry at my advisor for being a Jack Wagon (otherwise known as a jackass).  I'm angry at having to move when I wanted to stay where I was.  I'm angry at whomever coined the phrase "bloom where you're planted."  I'm angry at myself for not being stronger and better able to fight this depression.

Another part from the book that I love, where the main character is talking about a plant he has:

   "I've had it for almost ten years.  It's barely alive, but it is alive.  More brown than green.  There are parts that have withered.  But still is lives, leaning always to the left.  Even when I rotate it so that what faced the sun no loner faces the sun, it stubbornly leans to the left, choosing against physical need in favor of an act of creativity.  I poured the rest of my water into its pot.  What does it mean, anyway, to flourish?"

What does it mean, to flourish?  That is a very good question.  I'm glad I have book group, which introduced me to this book, because I can tell it's going to be a very good read.  Already I've found two (actually more) ideas on which to ruminate.  I'm good at ruminating, you have to be if you're going to be good at depression; and that's me--good at depression.

Courage and Cowardice

Where does courage come from?  What does it look like?  Is living with depression an act of courage or cowardice?  I can see how it may be both.  Maybe it is cowardice if depression is a refusal of happiness, which it sometimes seems like.  Maybe it's cowardice when one is too afraid to live a life of happiness; when all you know is depression, the unknown possibility of happiness can be a frightening place.  Maybe depression is cowardice because one can hide behind depression and be excused from more meaningful relationships and be excused from having the energy and vitality that non-depressed people have.  Maybe depression is just an easier, more cowardly excuse.  And maybe there is cowardice in choosing to continue living a life in a depressed state rather than choosing death, because death is an unknown. 

But maybe, depression is an act of courage, because you wake up every day and take care of the children, the animals, the spouse, when really all you want to do is hide in bed.  Maybe it is courage to chose to try to interact with people, try to be engaged in a conversation, when really all you want to do is be alone, in the darkness of your thoughts.  And maybe depression is a harder, more courageous act because you admit that life is not always as good as it seems, and yet still you go on.  Maybe choosing life with depression instead of death is an act of courage, because life with depression is the known, and sometimes the known is more frightening than the unknown.  Maybe living with depression is an act of courage because you keep hoping that one day you will find happiness; maybe courage is the ability to hope.

Square Grapes

I am feeling sober right now.  All in all, it's been a good day:  I went and taught my ecosystems ecology class, I did some house work, took my daughter to school registration, and went to book group this evening.  In many ways I have been able to traverse across my different roles today with relative ease.  Yet I am feeling a bit lost; I don't feel like I belong here.  And this is all despite the different places that I should find community--the university, the public school system for my children, my friends in book group.  Somehow though, I still feel like I'm as strange as a square grape.  In a world full of round grapes, I am wondering if a square grape can find a sense of belonging.

Gum in my Hair

I have been trying to be more aware of my moods, feelings and any thoughts or events associated with them.  One thing I'm aware of is that my unhappy or anxious moods tend to come with sticky thoughts.  What I mean by this is that any negative or depressing feelings seem to stick themselves to all activities and events in my life.  Once I'm feeling anxious or depressed about one thing, it all spills over into other parts of my life.  It's kind of like getting gum stuck in your hair:  the harder you try to pull it out, the more hair gets tangled in it.  I'm not sure why that doesn't happen on the other end of the spectrum.  A good or positive feeling seems to be more ephemeral and fleeting. Whereas whenever I come across a more negative thought, it starts sticking itself onto multiple parts of my life and I can't seem to contain those more anxious and darker feelings.

Unfortunately being aware of this phenomenon doesn't seem to make my thoughts less sticky.  But maybe I'll learn to take these feelings less seriously; maybe being aware will help me get the scissors out sooner rather than later.  If I can just get the scissors out and excise the gum instead of getting the gum all over, maybe my depression will lose some of its steam and not last quite as long.

Today while I was trying to work on my dissertation I was hit with the thought that I don't want to do research and I'm not sure I want to teach.  The latter part of that thought makes me uncomfortable because teaching was the one thing I was sure I wanted to do.  But I'm not so sure now.  Somewhere along this journey I've lost my confidence and I'm not sure how to find it.  Maybe this is true for most people who work on a PhD.  Maybe most people feel like quitting at some point or another.  Maybe they all feel like frauds sometimes.  I don't know.  With the debt I've acquired, I better like teaching or research, because I'll have to get a job to pay off the loans I've taken out.  I can't afford not to work when I'm done.  But I think what I need is a class that I can truly call my own.  I'm teaching Ecosystems Ecology this semester, but I'm borrowing a lot from others and parts of my lectures/assignments don't feel like my own.  It's like I'm teaching from another persons syllabus.  Of course I've done this because I'm also trying to finish my dissertation and I don't have the time to do more than that.  I guess that's okay, but I feel like I'm not in complete ownership of the course.

So, I've gained an insight into my feelings and moods, but where does that leave me?  I either need to stop sleeping with gum in my mouth, or keep a pair of scissors handy.  Too bad I don't seem to know when to throw out my gum.

No promises

Maybe you can tell a bit about my mood by how often I write.  I tend to write more when I'm depressed, I guess it helps me sort out some of the confusing feelings.  And things have been okay for a couple of weeks, but now feel like they are slipping a bit.  However, this is supposed to be a blog about relearning happiness.  It could be that the title is a bit misleading.  I'm beginning to wonder if it should be "learning" happiness, instead.  I am not totally convinced that I've ever learned how to be happy.  Is it even possible?  I know how to get by and how to enjoy myself now and then, but I really wasn't happy in my teens.  I struggled with depression during my twenties.  I came into my own a bit in my thirties, but still struggled with depression.  And the forties aren't starting out so hot.

It's been over a year since my descent into my darkest depression and although my life isn't pitch black anymore, it's still far from where I'd like to be.  I still find myself wanting to cry for no reason; tired of life; having mini fantasies about dying (do I dare admit that?).  I'm just not sure that anything I've ever believed in is valid.  That may sound like a broad catch-all, but I do mean that some of the most core things I've believed in don't seem so believable.  I guess that's just another way to say I'm questioning the way I'm living my life.  I have always played by the rules and done all of the things I "should" yet I am unhappy with life.  So where have I gone wrong?  Would I have been happier bucking the system?  Probably not.  But if that's true, then where does happiness come from?  I've been taught all my life that it comes from making "good" decisions.  But when you make those good decisions and follow all the rules and you feel like crap all the time, or at least most of the time, then where's the benefit of supporting a system that promises happiness that I have yet to experience?

Geez, I don't know where I'm going with all of this.  Sounds like some stream-of-consciousness shit.  I'm not even sure why I should blog and why anyone would want to read this depressing crap.  Well, that sort of sums me up right there, doesn't it?  I'll post it, but just know that regardless of the title of my blog site, I've made no promises.