My Own Brain Chemistry

Well, I obviously haven't been very consistant at blogging lately.  But at least I've twice this month.  I’m feeling very frustrated and confused right now.  I’m frustrated with my meds—lithium, abilify, Prozac, Welbutrin, and when I get it, propranolol (for the side effects of everything else!).  But despite all I’m taking I don’t feel very good.  Yes, I no longer am so incredibly depressed, but I don’t think the meds are giving me the quality of life I expect from them.  I want to sleep all the time, I’m fuzzy-headed which makes it hard to concentrate and focus on my dissertation, my balance is off, and I don’t really enjoy life.  It makes me tired of my life.  It makes me, one who has always believed in the value of medication along with therapy, want to quit all my meds and just see what Kim is like; what my own brain chemistry is like.  I’ve been on meds for years now, without a great benefit.  Maybe the meds have kept me alive, who can say?  But when I was diagnosed as bi-polar II, I thought that we’d finally get somewhere and find highly effective medication.  Maybe I’m expecting too much, but I don’t think so.  I think we are meant to find some enjoyment in life; that our friends and family should mostly be enough for us.  Right now I feel like even my therapist, whom I have been so pleased with, isn’t enough for me.  Nothing is. 

One big event for me--I finally told my advisor that I didn't think it was working to have him be my chair.  He agreed (my word! I've given him 2 years worth of chances to step down and he never took them).  So now he's just a committee member and hopefully I can get some real work done. Yea me.  This hasn’t restored my confidence.  I hope my interaction with my new advisor will be good.

I'll end on a "funny" note--I was at Goodwill today and the clerk asked me if I qualified for their senior discount (those 55 and older)!! I know I have a lot of gray hair, but really?  Now I'm contemplating coloring my hair.  Humph.  The clerk was really young however, a teenager or early twenties.  Still, I almost lit into him, but I restrained myself :)

Thought By Now

Well, where to start?  I've been back for about two weeks from the conference I went to.  It was a very interesting experience.  I didn't come away totally transformed; I came away with a few nuggets to help me out.  Part of what I learned was how to stop being a victim and start being accountable for my life.  Also, we talked about the power of words and it was suggested we rid our vocabulary of the word "try" and replace "help" with "assist."  All of this is to help us be more accountable and reclaim power in our lives.  We also did a lot of activities to get in touch with our "heart" or "inner self" and to quiet our minds from the distracting chatter.  All of this helped me to get rid of the deep, depressive pit that's been residing in my gut. 

However, I'm still feeling unmotivated and apathetic.  My doctor has gone ahead increased my dosage back to what it was when I was having tremors as a side effect.  And he increased the dosage of my medicine that I'm to take to help with the tremors.  It feels like I'm on some crazy medication catch 22.  So I'm taking medicine for the bi-polar II, some for my depression, some for the side effects of the first 2.  I take the blue pill to remind me to take the red pill; I take the red pill to remind me to take the yellow pill; and I take the yellow pill to remind me to take the green pill; but they're afraid to tell me what the green pill is for. (This is taken from a scene in "What's Up Doc?" the funniest movie ever).  I think I'd feel better about it if I was seeing some distinctly positive results.  But I've been tinkering with medications since October 2011, and here it is April of 2012.  I guess I just thought by now things to be figured out. 

Skeptical but Willing

Well, next week I'm off to a 4 day seminar given by Impact Training: Institute for Higher Consciousness (http://www.impacttrainings.com/index.htm).  I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I'm going to this, because I'm highly skeptical of groups that try and elicit specific emotions and anyone who's too optimistic/excited about life.  If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  Also, I'm skeptical of "feel good" experiences or anything that seems to New Age-y.  However, my sister-in-law, whom I love and trust implicitly, has been to this and raves about it.  She feels she's been transformed by all the different courses they offer.  So, I'm going.  I have nothing to lose; I have nowhere to go but up; I've been trying all of these different avenues to find some relief from the depression without much success; I'm going.  And I'm willing to go with an open mind and heart.

I've hit such an emotional flatline lately.  I think it's in response to the decreases in my meds, but, as I mentioned in the last blog entry, the side-effect of being at higher doses is not working.  It has hit me hard with my enthusiasm towards my dissertation.  I just don't care enough right now.  I don't have the energy or desire to work on it.  It has also been a strain on my family relationships; not so much with my kids, but it's tough on the husband and me.  He says I'm not the same woman he married.  But who is the same person they were 20 years ago?  Still, it makes me sad.  Maybe, just maybe, this seminar will help me find a bit of my old self.  Maybe it will help me relearn happiness.

I talked with my therapist about her opinion on groups such as Impact Training.  She's generally positive about them.  She thinks whenever a group of people get together with a goal of understanding themselves better, that something good can come from it.  She says regardless of whether or not this ends up being a life-changing experience or not, that I'll likely come away with some nugget that will be beneficial for me.  She can't speak specifically about this program, but it's good to have her support.  I'm really not sure why I'm feeling so conflicted about going, but I'm having a hard time getting really excited and highly expectant.  Also, I find myself feeling somewhat intransigent, like "I dare you to try and make me love myself.  I dare you to try and influence me."  I'm so silly that way.

The seminar is in Utah, so I get to drive 13 hours down there (in one day) and back.  The seminar goes for 12 hours a day!  I'm going to be exhausted, but that's okay.  It will be nice to have some time to myself, see my mom, and spend some time with my sister-in-law.  She's coming down from Idaho to go through parts of this with me.

Wits and Stubbornness

Apparently I can only write when I'm feeling down. We’re still tinkering with my meds.  I was so horribly shaky that I couldn’t write legibly, I shook like an old woman or someone with palsy.  Anyway, the doctor decreased my lithium and welbutrin levels.  Now I’m not shaking, but I’m feeling quite dysthymic.  I don’t know if the dythymia has to do with the recent decrease in the lithium or not.  This just does not seem fair—every time I get close to some med combo that seems to work, or promises to be helpful the side-effects are lousy.  I can’t live with the tremors, but at least I was feeling fairly decent.  Maybe I’m just doomed to live a life of depression.  There’s a part of me that feels like if I was strong enough I could kick this on my own; that somehow it’s a weakness to feel this way. 

I’ve been reading a book with some very strong female characters in it and they overcome horrible situations just by their wits and sheer stubbornness.  I wish I was like them.  But I lack wits and stubbornness.  I think I lack what it takes to beat this depression.

No Idea How To Swim

I'm flailing around in my lack of depression.  It's like I was chained and thrown into the ocean, sinking, drowning, and finally, as I've been cut free from the chain of depression, I have no idea how to swim.  I have no idea how to breath effectively in water, I've been holding my breath for so long. 

Right now, the best part of not feeling depressed is the work I've been getting done on my dissertation.  I've been more productive in this last month than I had been in the past 4 months combined.  I'm enjoying reading again, movies, my kids.  I no longer want to get rid of my 1 snake, 2 dogs, and 3 cats.  Yet despite all of this, I'm finding it really difficult to invest myself emotionally into any one thing or person.  It leaves me feeling empty, but not a depressed empty.  It's more of just a loss of emotional muscle mass from years of atrophying.  So I need to exercise my emotions a bit.  Build up emotional strength to be able to delve into the lives of those around me.  It all sounds great and seems to be a good metaphor, but I have no idea what to do or where to start.  What in the world does emotional exercise look like?

"What's There to be Depressed About?"

Last night as I was getting my meds out, my 15 year old son came into the kitchen, shirtless, and asked me what I was taking the medicine for.  I told him it was for depression.  "Depression?" he said, "You're depressed?  Why are you depressed when you can see all this?" and he flexed his arms and strutted around me.  I busted up laughing!  Where did that kid get such a great self-esteem?

Apparently I've done a good job at keeping my depression in check around my kids.  That's always been one of my biggest concerns, because I grew up thinking I was responsible for my mom's happiness/unhappiness in life (and I am still trying to rid myself of that baggage).  Throughout my depression I've always feared my children will feel responsible for my depression, or somehow be scarred for life because I've been depressed for so long (of course that could provide good fodder for years of therapy!).  I'm really grateful that I have evidence to the contrary.

I love the simplicity of my son's response.  What do I have to be depressed about?  Now I realize my depression isn't caused too much by situation.  Sure, making a move that I wasn't happy about definitely contributed, but in general I have a good life.  I have 3 healthy, happy children; a good husband; good friends; a nice home and all of my creature needs taken care of; extended family that while weird, is still good people; no major childhood nightmares to heal from; a great therapist; etc. etc.  What's there to be depressed about?  I recognize that depression doesn't have to be situational.  And mine is definitely not.  But it's amazing how much easier it is to recognize and accept the good in your life when you're not depressed.

I noticed that although my medication is helping and I'm not feeling as depressed, I'm still identifying myself as depressed.  Interesting.

Je ne sais pas

Boy, this last week has been great.  I've gotten a lot of work done on my dissertation and have felt like I'm just walking through air like normal folk, instead of slogging through mud everyday.  I've also been reading several blogs that I follow and there are a couple of women who seem to live life on a very different plane.  It's as if they're on a higher wavelength, whereas I am going through with mediocracy.  I envy them.  My life and concerns and thoughts seem so mundane, whereas theirs seem to be more spiritual, which allows them each to experience and radiate an immense sense of hope.  I'm not naive enough to think they have no problems, I know they do and they often share their problems on their blogs.  But they have a hidden source of "je ne sais pas" that gives them a belief and hope throughout their trials.  I'd like to find that.  But I'm not going to beat myself up over our differences; I'm happy to be on the road to recovery, I can find greater depth to my life later.  So here's to women and friends and bloggers who give me a goal to reach for!