Attachment to Outcome

I was doing really well there for a few weeks, in spite of the dissertation set-back.  But I feel myself slipping again.  All I want to do is sleep.  I've started looking at the chapter revisions suggested to me, but they seem broad-sweeping and difficult.  I have this sinking feeling that they aren't changes I can make within a week (per chapter) or so.  There is an impending feeling of inability surrounding me right now.  Not only do I have my chapter revisions to do, but I have to prepare for the final defense/exam.  I just can't recall information like I used to and that scares me.  I'm worried that I won't be able to intelligently answer questions thrown at me.  For the first time, in a long time, I'm wondering if I can do this and if it's worth it.

My sister-in-law and I have been trying to do this 21-day challenge by Deepak Chopra called Creating Abundance.  It's a daily set of meditations specifically for creating abundance in one's life.  Yesterday the meditation was about letting go of expectations.  The mantra is beautiful: Om Anandham Namah—My actions are blissfully free from attachment to outcome.  And we are to relinquish desired outcomes and follow the law of Detachment: relinquishing the desire to manifest a specific outcome, we allow the Law of Detachment to work in our lives.  I'm trying to let go of the wish for a specific outcome with my dissertation, to detach myself from my expectations and let the universe spill through my work and accept whatever the outcome is.  It's harder than it sounds.  I'm so used to thinking about this degree in terms of the final outcome, a PhD, and some times that's all that has kept me going--looking at the end results.  But that's not working for me anymore.  All it does is seem to add stress to my life and makes it harder to do the work of today.  My current system isn't working for me, I need to find an alternative way of being.

Here is Deepak Chopra's website:  http://www.chopra.com/  it's worth a look around.

Shift in the Universe

I've had a major blow to my dissertation work.  One committee member, (yes, the jack wagon), wouldn't pass off on my dissertation so I can't defend on Nov. 5th.  He said my writing was excellent but my analyses were "rudimentary and shallow."  He said it wasn't in publishable form and therefor not in defensible form.  Because of him I have to go to school an extra semester, pay tuition, and my mom had to pay $300 to get her flight changed so she can come out in May now, instead of December.  I have to spend more time writing, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but I have to rearrange my state of mind over all of this.  I'm not at all opposed to making my work better.  But I am very angry about the way he goes about these things; he seems to undermine me at every step of the way.

Surprisingly, I'm feeling okay.  I was a bit depressed over last weekend when I first got the email (it was very condescending, several people that I shared it with have said the same thing); I even cried (this man has made me cry more than anyone else in my life); I was really mad, furious even.  But the depression didn't last.  It's amazing.  I think I'm going through a normal reaction to the whole situation and now I'm ready to just hunker down one more time, kiss his lily white ass, and get this over with.  My therapist gave me some good ideas on how to deal with the negative talk that always accompanies any thought about him--she said for me to think of all the other people, friends, family, colleagues, who would counter anything Rick would say.  It helps.  It makes me think about the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie, when Harry is battling Voldemort and all the people Harry loved and loss are there behind him, giving him strength and encouragement.  It's kind of like that for me.  In battling my personal Voldemort, I remember my dad, my husband, my friends, my thesis adviser and all the faculty and students I've worked with in the past.  It's like they're behind me, giving me strength and encouragement.  And Rick can't really hurt me anymore; he is just one person with an opinion that his very contradictory to all the other opinions out there about me.  I don't need him to do a good job on my dissertation and have a satisfying career. 

My sister-in-law also told me about something she'd recently read or heard--when it comes to people's opinions about you, 20% will love you and agree, 20% will hate you and disagree with you, and the rest really won't care.  Rick is just the first person in academia to be critical of me.  And his whole attitude has soured my experience with school.  It's been hard to believe in myself and my capabilities.  If this had happened a year ago I think I would have been completely undone.  But I'm not undone and I am so grateful that I am getting through this so well.  I keep waiting for the darkness to return, but it's not.  I wish I knew why, I wish I could identify what is different.  The only thing that seems different is the medication I'm on, but I feel like there is more to my feelings and attitude than that.  I feel like there's been a slight shift in my way of being.  Like I'm stronger now.  Maybe having gone through the hell and surviving has made me stronger.  Like I've been doing a lot of emotional exercising and I'm finally seeing/feeling the results of it.

The memory of my last depressive episode is still quite fresh in my mind and I hope I never get that bad again.  But it's making my current state of mind all the sweeter.

Habits of Depression

I'm tired, frustrated, and trying to maintain a positive, hopeful attitude.  I have a week and a half before my defense of my dissertation.  I'm supposed to defend on Nov. 5th.  However, one of my committee members (my old chair) is being a real jack a** about it all.  Now I'm not sure if I'll have to push back the date or not.  The last day one can defend is the 16th of November; and that would be dependent on if I can get everyone's schedule together again.  If not, I have to wait another semester before graduating.  I'll be really pissed off if that's the case.  But hey, pissed off is better than depressed, isn't it? 

My medication seems to continue to work, for which I'm grateful.  I am having trouble getting out of the habits of depression.  When I get frustrated I first think about sleeping or avoidance via movies/TV.  It is still tricky to focus.  And there are still times I want to be irritated, mad or disappointed in certain people.
Although the emotional steam for that is gone, I still think about it and have to remind myself that I can let go. However I can go grocery shopping without any trouble.  I can spend time with my children and enjoy them.  And I have positive thoughts that can try to replace the negative ones.

Depression is so weird.  I don't get people who are always happy and positive--I don't think it's just about choice.  I think there is an element of choice to being happy, but I also think there's a key factor relating to biochemistry.  I heard this interview with some actor or something and when asked about he dealt with some the difficulties he went through, his basic response was "some people wake up and decide to lie back down.  I wake up and decide to live."  If only it were that easy.  Sometimes, for the people who decide to lie back down, that is their choice to live--they've decided to put off dying for one more day.  And if you haven't struggled with depression I doubt you could really understand what a momentous effort that can be.  I hope I don't get so caught up in being non-depressed that I forget what it's like for others who are feeling depressed.  I just noticed I used the term "non-depressed" instead of something like "happy."  It's not that I don't believe in happiness--I do and I like it when I feel happy.  But "non-depressed" is more accurate than "happy all the time" or "full of unending energy" or the like.  I think sometimes when I was so depressed I was hoping for a positive feeling that was the exact opposite of depressed, but I just don't think I'll get to be one those people who is full of energy and excitement and hope all of the time.  It's just not me.  But I can have good days, good friends, good family and be grateful for it all.  That's huge.

Piece-meal

Wow, I'm still feeling really good.  I think all of my side effects from the lithium are finally gone; the combination of anti-depressants seems to be just right.  The other day was amazing.  In the morning I went to the bank, went to a lab for blood work, went to the post office.  Then I spent about 1.5 hours at car dealership getting work done.  Still, I got a lot of writing done on my dissertation and the crowning point was that I got chicken in the crock pot for dinner!  The next couple of days were a bit more discouraging, but I couldn't have had a day so productive 6 months ago.  It feels remarkable just to do the normal things that make up the dailiness of life.

One of the coolest things was realizing I that I had 3 of my 4 chapters done for my dissertation!  Things really started getting good then.  It was like I'd reached the tipping point in my work.  I had been working at it all in a piece-meal fashion and didn't feel like I was making much progress.  Then one day I went to look at what needed to be done and had 3 chapters done! 

But what have I learned about happiness?  Honestly, I'm not sure what happiness is.  I sure as hell don't know how to find it.  For me it's just been trial and error with medications and a patient therapist.  I also have learned, and relearned, that I can make it through some really dark places; sometimes just by taking it moment by moment.  A piece-meal approach seemed to worked for my dissertation, maybe it's working the same way for happiness.

Life off of Lithium

Going off lithium was a great decision.  I no longer feel so foggy and drugged.  My balance is back and I'm not as shaky.  I still have a difficult time recalling words, but it's not as bad.  In fact, I'm having quite a few good days.  I'm still on some anti-depressants, but that's okay for now.  This is the best I've felt since we moved (2 years ago).  Probably the best I've felt since my dad died (2.5 years ago).  And I'm seeing more clearly and feeling more clearly to work through different issues.

I feel a bit misguided by the psychiatrist who put me on lithium and then never seemed to take my concerns seriously.  It makes me angry.  But  I'm glad I decided to get a second opinion.  I'm now being considered as having "drug-resistant depression" instead of bipolar II.  Hmm, what is in a label anyway?  I recognize that different therapies are needed for each different diagnosis, and that can be very important.  However I'm confused as to what it means for me.  Because I'm feeling so much better I don't care quite as much, just as long as the relief continues. 

Another form of relief has come in the form of a friend.  I have a new friend who makes me laugh all the time.  We went to Seattle the other weekend to see Les Mis.  I laughed more over that weekend (except for when I was crying in Les Mis) than I've laughed in a long, long time.  In fact I can't even remember when I've laughed so much.  And she's a friend I go walking with.  We walk 3 miles 3 times a week.  One of the best things about it is that she said we'd go out early to walk and we have the same definition of "early"--8 a.m.

So, in all, life is much better. The dissertation is still a battle, but a lot of that is separate from my depression or lack thereof.  I guess the best thing I can say about my dissertation is that I can't quite commit myself to quitting.  So I continue to stumble along. But maybe that will change as my mood continues to improve.

Door Number Two

I've been really unhappy about my meds and their side effects, so much so that I decided to get a second opinion.  One of the worst side effects has been feeling like I'm drugged, which I am.  My regular therapist lives in another town, so we mostly do our sessions over skype.  However, I sometimes get back to her town and see her personally (which is always nice).  This happened a couple of weeks ago and she said she was alarmed at how medicated I appeared.  Another time a good friend of mine and I were on skype and she said I looked out of it.  And the person I saw for the second opinion said I looked quite sedate.  I guess I've been going around looking stoned, thinking I was fooling everyone that I was okay!

Anyway, the woman I'm seeing for a second opinion is an APRN and I quite liked her.  She was shocked at the number of meds and the doses of them that I was taking.  Also, she isn't convinced I have bipolar II disorder.  So now I have two differing professional opinions.  Well, the first one is definitely not working, so I'll try door number two.  First off, we're titrating me off of the lithium.  Then we'll look at the anti-depressants, see how I'm feeling and what side effects are still present, and go from there.  Wish me luck.

I've been on the lower dose of lithium for a week.  I also started exercising (okay, I've only gone twice, but I have a walking partner that I really like and we're committed. . .).  Plus, it's summer and the sun is shinning and the weather is really great.  So am I feeling better due to the med change, the exercise, the weather, or none of the above?  I guess I don't care right now.  I'll just take anything that's better than where I've been. 

One thing that has been empowering is changing doctors.  I have a tendency to see a doctor as an authority figure and therefore I'm hesitant to question them and change doctors when I'm unhappy with one.  But I've been questioning this particular doctor for several months and finally got the nerves up to see someone else.  Of course I haven't told the him that I'm getting a second opinion, I'm too chicken for that!  I'm just going to stop seeing him.  But I'm glad I had enough gumption to go through finding another doctor/APRN.  For those of you who have gone through the process of finding a new therapist/doctor, you know how hard it can be.  So I'm grateful I could take those first steps, they're always the hardest.

Pick Your Poison

It's funny how easily it is for my thoughts to spiral down and get close to being out of control.  It's funny how much a small chemical change in my body can effect my mood.  It's funny, except that it's not.  It's quite frustrating and well, depressing.  The mood changes I'm experiencing are almost tangible.  And although I'm glad to know the lithium helps elevate my mood, I'm still very dissatisfied with the side-effects I experience:  shakiness, lack of balance, poor word recall, foggy thinking.  It doesn't seem right that I should have to sacrifice those things for a good mood.  But why not?  What makes me think anything in this life is going to be right or fair?  It's not, so I just have to pick my poison.  The difficult thing is that whatever I'm experiencing at the moment is the thing I can't stand and want to get rid of.  So when I was on the lithium I hated the side effects and just wanted to get rid of them.  Now I'm rid of the side effects but have the depressed mood to contend with.  And all I want to do is get rid of that. I guess the sooner I accept the fact that my choices are all bad to some extent, the better off I'll be.  But that's depressing in and of itself.