Defying Emotional Gravity

Well, it's been a while since I've written anything.  I feel like my life has been emotionally complex lately, and I haven't known when or what to write.  In many ways I'm feeling much better.  I'm on a new medication--Viibryd, and off of Prozac.  It seems to be a good switch, although my typical pattern is to feel better when on a new medication, but only to have it loose its effectiveness later.  So, I'm not holding my breath, but at least the side-effects have decreased since I've made the switch.

I've had the usual ups and downs associated with my dissertation.  That one professor is still throwing road blocks in my way, but I've stood up to him.  And even though my standing up for myself didn't change his opinion, I feel good about standing my ground. 

Life is turning out so differently than I thought it would.  I guess that's a completely normal feeling.  But I can't help feeling like I've failed in so many areas of my life--physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I feel as if I'm failing as a wife, as a friend, as a student, as a teacher, as an environmentalist, as a sister and daughter.  The only bright point is that I feel like I'm doing fairly well as a mother.  I've been told to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I wish it was that easy.  Unfortunately it's so much easier to start slipping down than it is to drag myself up; emotional gravity at work.  I feel like I'm working so hard at being "better" but there are times when the emotional experiences produce a physical response.  Some days I just go around with a pit in my stomach and a heaviness in my chest.  At times like these I feel like I'm being crushed under a great pressure.

I wonder if I'm just in the habit of being depressed.  I've been depressed for so long that my knee jerk response to conflict is one of anxiety and depression.  I wish I could change that.  I guess that's my big issue in life to deal with.  But it sucks.  Life is difficult for me.  I have to practically live minute to minute, with some hope and faith that the coming minutes will be better. 

I have, however, been having a lot more good days than I have in the past.  So that's a good thing to focus on.  The pit of my despair isn't so deep lately.  There are more moments when I can defy the emotional gravity of my life.  So there is some good.  And I may be failing, but I'm not giving up.

Numb is Better

It's been exactly 2 years since I started blogging.  Maybe now is a good time to reflect on the journey.  I look at myself and think "I have all the signs of being depressed, but I don't feel depressed."  I go back to bed every morning after the kids are off to school; I'm avoiding working on my dissertation; nothing in my life seems to bring me satisfaction, even reading, or watching movies; my relationships are strained; if this was being described by someone else, I'd definitely called it depressed.  However, I'm not in the "pit of despair" (don't even think about trying to escape) and that was my last run-in with depression, so this doesn't seem so bad.  But I think it's time I stop and recognize what's going on.  No one deserves to live with depression, regardless of the intensity of it.  Just because this is milder than before, I still deserve to feel better.  But I'm having a hard time admitting that I have a problem, because the pain isn't expressed in the same way.  Basically right now I'm just numb; but numb is better than being in both physical and mental pain.

So now the question is what to do?  Do I fiddle with medications, try light therapy (which I just can't seem to do, sleep is so much easier), try meditation and yoga, read self-help books and continue with talk therapy?  It all seems to take too much energy.  Sleep, sleep is all I want.

And I leave in three days to visit both my family and the in-laws for Christmas.  Like I said, I'm better off than I was the last couple of years, so I don't expect any drama, but it all sounds like work.  Except for the time we spend with my sister-in-law--the one I always write about.  It will be good to see her.  It's just unfortunate that there will be so many other people around.  As a Christian I feel like this should be an especially sweet time--celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace.  However, I seem to have a hard time finding the peace that is supposed to come with knowing Christ.  I guess I really just don't know Him that well.  I have started reading a book by Deepak Chopra called "The Third Jesus."  I'm not very far into it, but it's very interesting.  Jesus was a really radical man, for His time and for ours.

Well, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.  Here's a prayer for peace for family, friends, strangers, and supposed enemies.  If that enemy is depression, may you find a way to transcend it and find meaning in life.

Mid-life Crisis?

I've been feeling unhappy.  But not really depressed.  I'm unhappy with most aspects of my life, finding little satisfaction spiritually and emotionally.  It doesn't feel like depression because I don't feel like I'm slogging through thigh-high mud.  I'm just sad and dissatisfied.  Could it be I'm going through a mid-life crisis?  I feel like my true self has been lost along the way somehow and that I'm living in a shell that I'm calling life, but really it isn't.  There's just a lot of emptiness in my life.

I'm also feeling anxious lately.  It's sort of a nebulous anxiety that I can't put a finger on.  If you add the anxiety to the unhappiness, maybe it's all morphing into depression.  But I still don't feel depressed.  Of course I'm basing my feeling of being depressed on the absolute worse case scenario; I'm comparing it all to the depressive period from last year, that lasted over two years.  Maybe to a "normal" person this anxiety and unhappiness would feel like depression.  It just doesn't to me.  Maybe it's a case of mild depression.

So, where does that leave me?  I looked up "mid-life crisis" on Wikipedia (since we all know Wikipedia is the source of all truth).  It didn't really seem to fit me, because it's usually age-related and "a time where adults come to realize their own mortality and how much time is left in their life."  However, the result is similar to me. In Wikipedia it says "People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance."  I'm definitely desirous to make significant, core, changes in my life.  But I don't have the energy or know-how right now. It feels like to make any significant I really need to take a leap of faith, right off a cliff.  I've been to this edge many times in my life, but I have yet to take the one step towards a new, "truer" me. 

Ah, whatever.  This is beginning to sound like drivel, so I'll end this blog for now.  There's always a tomorrow to write some more.  I'll give you a hint what I think I'm going to write about--the idea that what we see in the world is only a mirror of ourselves.  Sound interesting?  I think so.

Attachment to Outcome

I was doing really well there for a few weeks, in spite of the dissertation set-back.  But I feel myself slipping again.  All I want to do is sleep.  I've started looking at the chapter revisions suggested to me, but they seem broad-sweeping and difficult.  I have this sinking feeling that they aren't changes I can make within a week (per chapter) or so.  There is an impending feeling of inability surrounding me right now.  Not only do I have my chapter revisions to do, but I have to prepare for the final defense/exam.  I just can't recall information like I used to and that scares me.  I'm worried that I won't be able to intelligently answer questions thrown at me.  For the first time, in a long time, I'm wondering if I can do this and if it's worth it.

My sister-in-law and I have been trying to do this 21-day challenge by Deepak Chopra called Creating Abundance.  It's a daily set of meditations specifically for creating abundance in one's life.  Yesterday the meditation was about letting go of expectations.  The mantra is beautiful: Om Anandham Namah—My actions are blissfully free from attachment to outcome.  And we are to relinquish desired outcomes and follow the law of Detachment: relinquishing the desire to manifest a specific outcome, we allow the Law of Detachment to work in our lives.  I'm trying to let go of the wish for a specific outcome with my dissertation, to detach myself from my expectations and let the universe spill through my work and accept whatever the outcome is.  It's harder than it sounds.  I'm so used to thinking about this degree in terms of the final outcome, a PhD, and some times that's all that has kept me going--looking at the end results.  But that's not working for me anymore.  All it does is seem to add stress to my life and makes it harder to do the work of today.  My current system isn't working for me, I need to find an alternative way of being.

Here is Deepak Chopra's website:  http://www.chopra.com/  it's worth a look around.

Shift in the Universe

I've had a major blow to my dissertation work.  One committee member, (yes, the jack wagon), wouldn't pass off on my dissertation so I can't defend on Nov. 5th.  He said my writing was excellent but my analyses were "rudimentary and shallow."  He said it wasn't in publishable form and therefor not in defensible form.  Because of him I have to go to school an extra semester, pay tuition, and my mom had to pay $300 to get her flight changed so she can come out in May now, instead of December.  I have to spend more time writing, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but I have to rearrange my state of mind over all of this.  I'm not at all opposed to making my work better.  But I am very angry about the way he goes about these things; he seems to undermine me at every step of the way.

Surprisingly, I'm feeling okay.  I was a bit depressed over last weekend when I first got the email (it was very condescending, several people that I shared it with have said the same thing); I even cried (this man has made me cry more than anyone else in my life); I was really mad, furious even.  But the depression didn't last.  It's amazing.  I think I'm going through a normal reaction to the whole situation and now I'm ready to just hunker down one more time, kiss his lily white ass, and get this over with.  My therapist gave me some good ideas on how to deal with the negative talk that always accompanies any thought about him--she said for me to think of all the other people, friends, family, colleagues, who would counter anything Rick would say.  It helps.  It makes me think about the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie, when Harry is battling Voldemort and all the people Harry loved and loss are there behind him, giving him strength and encouragement.  It's kind of like that for me.  In battling my personal Voldemort, I remember my dad, my husband, my friends, my thesis adviser and all the faculty and students I've worked with in the past.  It's like they're behind me, giving me strength and encouragement.  And Rick can't really hurt me anymore; he is just one person with an opinion that his very contradictory to all the other opinions out there about me.  I don't need him to do a good job on my dissertation and have a satisfying career. 

My sister-in-law also told me about something she'd recently read or heard--when it comes to people's opinions about you, 20% will love you and agree, 20% will hate you and disagree with you, and the rest really won't care.  Rick is just the first person in academia to be critical of me.  And his whole attitude has soured my experience with school.  It's been hard to believe in myself and my capabilities.  If this had happened a year ago I think I would have been completely undone.  But I'm not undone and I am so grateful that I am getting through this so well.  I keep waiting for the darkness to return, but it's not.  I wish I knew why, I wish I could identify what is different.  The only thing that seems different is the medication I'm on, but I feel like there is more to my feelings and attitude than that.  I feel like there's been a slight shift in my way of being.  Like I'm stronger now.  Maybe having gone through the hell and surviving has made me stronger.  Like I've been doing a lot of emotional exercising and I'm finally seeing/feeling the results of it.

The memory of my last depressive episode is still quite fresh in my mind and I hope I never get that bad again.  But it's making my current state of mind all the sweeter.

Habits of Depression

I'm tired, frustrated, and trying to maintain a positive, hopeful attitude.  I have a week and a half before my defense of my dissertation.  I'm supposed to defend on Nov. 5th.  However, one of my committee members (my old chair) is being a real jack a** about it all.  Now I'm not sure if I'll have to push back the date or not.  The last day one can defend is the 16th of November; and that would be dependent on if I can get everyone's schedule together again.  If not, I have to wait another semester before graduating.  I'll be really pissed off if that's the case.  But hey, pissed off is better than depressed, isn't it? 

My medication seems to continue to work, for which I'm grateful.  I am having trouble getting out of the habits of depression.  When I get frustrated I first think about sleeping or avoidance via movies/TV.  It is still tricky to focus.  And there are still times I want to be irritated, mad or disappointed in certain people.
Although the emotional steam for that is gone, I still think about it and have to remind myself that I can let go. However I can go grocery shopping without any trouble.  I can spend time with my children and enjoy them.  And I have positive thoughts that can try to replace the negative ones.

Depression is so weird.  I don't get people who are always happy and positive--I don't think it's just about choice.  I think there is an element of choice to being happy, but I also think there's a key factor relating to biochemistry.  I heard this interview with some actor or something and when asked about he dealt with some the difficulties he went through, his basic response was "some people wake up and decide to lie back down.  I wake up and decide to live."  If only it were that easy.  Sometimes, for the people who decide to lie back down, that is their choice to live--they've decided to put off dying for one more day.  And if you haven't struggled with depression I doubt you could really understand what a momentous effort that can be.  I hope I don't get so caught up in being non-depressed that I forget what it's like for others who are feeling depressed.  I just noticed I used the term "non-depressed" instead of something like "happy."  It's not that I don't believe in happiness--I do and I like it when I feel happy.  But "non-depressed" is more accurate than "happy all the time" or "full of unending energy" or the like.  I think sometimes when I was so depressed I was hoping for a positive feeling that was the exact opposite of depressed, but I just don't think I'll get to be one those people who is full of energy and excitement and hope all of the time.  It's just not me.  But I can have good days, good friends, good family and be grateful for it all.  That's huge.

Piece-meal

Wow, I'm still feeling really good.  I think all of my side effects from the lithium are finally gone; the combination of anti-depressants seems to be just right.  The other day was amazing.  In the morning I went to the bank, went to a lab for blood work, went to the post office.  Then I spent about 1.5 hours at car dealership getting work done.  Still, I got a lot of writing done on my dissertation and the crowning point was that I got chicken in the crock pot for dinner!  The next couple of days were a bit more discouraging, but I couldn't have had a day so productive 6 months ago.  It feels remarkable just to do the normal things that make up the dailiness of life.

One of the coolest things was realizing I that I had 3 of my 4 chapters done for my dissertation!  Things really started getting good then.  It was like I'd reached the tipping point in my work.  I had been working at it all in a piece-meal fashion and didn't feel like I was making much progress.  Then one day I went to look at what needed to be done and had 3 chapters done! 

But what have I learned about happiness?  Honestly, I'm not sure what happiness is.  I sure as hell don't know how to find it.  For me it's just been trial and error with medications and a patient therapist.  I also have learned, and relearned, that I can make it through some really dark places; sometimes just by taking it moment by moment.  A piece-meal approach seemed to worked for my dissertation, maybe it's working the same way for happiness.