Exercise: Running Errands

Luckily the slipping didn't land in the bottom of the well again.  I'm coming back up and trying not to let the Holidays stress me out.  It's dumb to turn this beautiful season into a crab-fest.  I should rethink the whole Santa thing.

I'll be spending Christmas with family and I'm not all that stressed about it.  Usually I dread it, just because it takes so much energy to put on the happy face.  I do love being with my family and friends, and I think this year will be better. 

I missed jogging for 3 days due to the need to run errands.  Too bad running errands doesn't count as running! I'd be in great shape right now!  However, I forced myself to get out today, even though every part of me wanted to curl up with a book.  So, point for me.  I'm always glad after the fact; sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me putting on my running shoes every day.  But I'm clinging to the belief that this exercise is part of the key to my recovery.  And really, it is nice to use my body for something like jogging.  I'm 45 and still able to move my muscles and joints without too much pain!

Slipping

For almost 3 weeks I've lived without the dark pull of depression.  But I'm slipping.  I'm not sure what exactly is causing the change, but I do know it's coinciding with the stress I'm feeling over Christmas.  I'm feeling frantic and worried and stressed.  I want to get the "perfect" gifts for people, but I don't really feel like going shopping--I just don't have time to do any relaxed shopping.  Then there's the whole issue of how much money to spend.  And in less than a week we'll be traveling to visit family, so I have to get everything ready for that.  It's too much, but if I don't do it, how will it get done?

I'm hoping that this doesn't last and that I keep myself from slipping down any further.  I should get out and go jogging, it's actually a lot warmer than the 23 degrees (F) that I have been jogging in.  But I have so much to do today, people expecting me to be places at certain times, so I don't think I can get it in today.  My mood is such that I'm not too sad about it, but I know I really "should" exercise today.  Oh well, c'est la vie.  I really just have to try not to let my thoughts spiral downward and out of control, but it's hard.  I wish the Christmas season was really more relaxing and beautiful than it is for me this year.  With that being said, Merry Christmas everyone!

Good Place To Be

I am still feeling relieved from my depression.  It's almost been two weeks.  That's the longest time I've felt good in the last 4 years.  I've been trying to figure out what has helped me--the new medication I'm on?  The exercise?  The breakthroughs I've had in therapy? 

The weather has turned bitterly cold and it's making jogging hard.  But I'm afraid to stop jogging because I feel like if I do, maybe the depression will creep back.  I've got to figure out a way to jog in really cold weather.  I know people do it, I just haven't found the right combination of layers yet.  Exercising indoors isn't much of an option because jogging outside serves the dual purpose of getting me out and getting the dogs out.

It's strange to be feeling good.  I do feel a little guilty about it though, which is strange, I know.  I feel guilty towards others I know that are still feeling depressed.  I'm not sure why I'm doing better and they're not.  I don't have any magic bullet.  All that I can seem to say is keep going.  Eventually, even if it's 4 years later, it will get better.  I'm also a bit afraid--I'm worried about how long this will last.  I'm not counting on it staying around for any length of time.  I'm just taking it day by day.  When I get tired I sometimes get scared that the depression is coming back, but I think it's just basic tiredness, not the weariness that comes from depression.

Anyway, I'm really hopeful.  It's a good place to be.

A New Vocabulary

It’s 12:30 at night and I can’t sleep because I feel like I’m on the verge of understanding something important.  So I’ve decided to take time and write my thoughts down. 

It all started earlier tonight, as I was reading in bed.  I’m reading Sue Bender’s newest book called “Stretching Lessons.”  She’s the one who wrote “Everyday Sacred” and “Plain and Simple.”  She’s absolutely wonderful.  Her newest book is about learning to be bigger, to be our fullest selves, to give our soul wings.  She talks about how so much of her life has been spent struggling, that she was all about “hard work.”  I think that’s me, too.  So I’ve been thinking about the words I use when I think about me and my life.  Here they are: 

• Persistence
• Struggle
• Effort
• Working hard all the time
• Endure
• Test
• No pain, no gain

 I think about my depression in terms of how hard I’m struggling to overcome it.  And I’ve often written about how tired and weary I am.  Maybe it’s time to stop fighting.  I’m not really sure what that would look like, though.  As I was lying in bed tonight, with these thoughts churning through my mind, I had the image of my depression being a hard, thick shell, protecting me.  But protecting me from what?  I also had the distinct feeling of something inside of me softening.  And when I write that right now I am filled with emotion and I can’t really say why.  But it seems like I’m on the verge of something big and something important.  It’s like I’m in front of something big and true and life-changing, but I can’t quite bring myself to look directly at it, so that I only get sideways glimpses of it.  But I know it’s something really important for me.

“Perhaps within each of us there is a daring spirit that whispers to be heard.”  Sue writes.  She also writes “I wondered if I also believed I had to struggle in order to earn the right to be happy.”  Is that what I’m doing right now?  Am I struggling through this depression because a part of me believes I have to earn the right to be happy?  Is this me trying to earn that right?  As Sue wrote about herself, I find true of myself—I am struggling, longing for ease.  How can one be at ease if one is constantly struggling?  And she talks about finding a way to release herself from the struggle, noting that the word “release” has the word “ease” tucked in it.  

So my job now is to settle myself, to let go, to release whatever it is that I’m holding onto so tightly that I can’t breath anymore.  Funny how I used the word “job,” which is usually associated with “work.”  I need to find a new vocabulary.

Note:  my writing tools aren't responding well, so this doesn't look exactly like I want it to.  It's really been touchy lately and I hate it, it's quite difficult to write these posts.

 

   

Take What I Can Get

Dark thoughts have been kept at bay for 7 days now, although my mood is slipping a bit.  I just purchased and read Allie Brosh's new book "Hyperbole and a Half" which is based on her blog.  She is so funny!  I laughed a lot and also loved the writing she did on depression.  I know I've mentioned that particular post before, but it's so worth reading and sharing with people who don't know what depression is like.  She's funny and poignant at the same time. 

Even though I am exercising regularly, I am still really tired.  Maybe I haven't been exercising long enough to feel the perks of having more energy.  That is the promise of exercise, isn't it?  That you will feel more energized if you consistently exercise.  I'm waiting for that. 

I used to think I didn't have much faith, but the fact that I'm taking my meds, seeing a therapist, exercising, and still waiting for things to get better must be some sort of act of faith.  I've decided that I have quite a bit of faith, actually.  Good for me!

The weekend is coming up and weekends are usually trying for me.  Everyone is home (kids, husband) and I don't get long periods of time to myself.  I am still enjoying my "me time" while everyone is at school or work.  I'm still reading and watching TV a lot.  But I'm also starting to feel the slight rumblings of wanting to do something more.  I'm not sure what the "more" would really look like, but once again, I'll take what I can get. 

I've been spending a little more time looking for a job, but that can be depressing in and of itself. Even though I have a PhD, I'm not really qualified to do much.  I have no retail experience, so working at a bookstore or REI isn't likely (as they want several years of retail experience), plus retail doesn't pay enough for me to pay off my student loans.  And there aren't a lot of teaching gigs around town, if I even had the energy to teach.  I will be teaching one class next semester, but I'm sort of dreading it.  Maybe I'm just not ready for a job.  But I am ready to make some money and get out from all of this debt I've acquired.

Thanksgiving is coming up and everyone is talking about what they are thankful for.  I guess I'm thankful that I'm still alive.  And I'm really grateful for some remarkable women in my life.  Of course I'm thankful for the usual family, husband, kids, home, freedom.  But I'm really thankful that I've had a week free of debilitating depression.  I really do like Thanksgiving and believe in trying to have an "attitude of gratitude," however, gratitude can be a tricky thing when you're stumbling through the fog of depression.  I guess I should be grateful that I can feel some gratitude.  How's that?

So, I guess we take what we can get in this life and have the faith that things might improve.  Just my two cents.

Absence of Dark Thoughts

I'm going on my fourth day of feeling okay.  It's kind of weird and I feel like something is missing.  My past experience is that I can't count on good days being the norm, but I will take what I can get, when I can get it.  I am wondering if the Deplin is starting to work.  Also, I've been jogging with the dogs for the last week and a half, could that be part of the mood change?  Apparently exercise is key to fighting depression, so maybe.  But I don't know if a week and a half is long enough to make a difference.  Anyway, I don't know why I'm feeling better, but I am.  I still don't have much interest in doing things, but at least I'm not sitting around constantly thinking about how life is hard and not really worth it.  I'm not sure if life feels like it's "worth it" yet, but there's definitely an absence of dark thoughts.  I am not going to get ahead of myself and think that I'm out of this 4 year depression, but it is a real relief to have almost a week of emotional ease.

Fixing Dinner Along the Way

So my time of empowerment didn't last long.  Just 2 days.  I feel like I'm in a deep, dark well, clawing my way out.  And every time I get a glimpse of sunlight, I reach for another handhold and . . . I slip back down into the dark and the mud and the cold.  I could really use a recharge right now.  I'm losing hope, or maybe I've used up most of what hope I have.  
 

I’m sitting downstairs in my room right now, listening to music and writing and I know I have to stop and go upstairs and help with dinner and homework and then get the kids to bed; all the mundane things that take so much energy for me to perform.  But I guess I’m nothing if not persistent.  So, here I go again, clawing my way back up the well, fixing dinner along the way.