Slight Change

So I think there's a slight change in the air. I've been doing a lot of thinking and have started on a spiritual journey that seems to have lifted some of the burden of depression I've been feeling. Most of it is too personal to retell on a blog, but my heart doesn't feel quite so heavy. Am I happy? Well, if less-depressed is happiness, then yes. But if happiness is more than that, then probably not yet. What I am feeling is a bit more empowered, a bit more focused, less enervated. So this is all an improvement. I don't feel like I'm so alone, that there is a power outside of me and this earth that will help me carry this burden. And I'm trying to be grateful for my experiences with depression, because if nothing else, surviving depression makes me more empathetic to others.

Digressions

It seems that I think myself into dark places sometimes. This week has actually been quite productive and I have felt motivated to work on my dissertation. However, I find myself very angry and bitter right now. I feel as if my life is not what was meant to be (probably a lot of 40-something year olds think the same thing). But that begs the question--is there such a thing as "meant to be?" Part of me believes that yes, certain things in life happen for a reason and that certain people or events are meant to be. Another part of me thinks that if that is so, then where is the motivation to do anything? If everything is how it's meant to be, then all the good and bad, all of our choices, seem moot because regardless of what we do, it is all as it "should" be. So where does choice and power to change come in? It seems a bit fatalistic.

But I digress. I get tired of heavy thoughts and emotions. I need to find a way to let go of my resentment, "it isn't helpful." I put that in quotes because it's such a canned answer and truly isn't helpful to say. Of course it isn't helpful to hang on to resentment or to think negative thoughts (okay, here's my tirade against canned psychotherapy) but if all we had to do was choose not to think that way, wouldn't we all be happy? There is a certain element to choosing how we feel and think, but there is also something to said about brain chemistry, learned behavior, etc. I guess this is what this blog is about--finding ways to change my thought patterns and be happier. And finding ways to change behavior, finding ways to motivate myself. And for some people, I think all it does take is to decide to be happy. I however am not one of those lucky people.

Again, another digression. I can't remember what I was even going to write tonight. So maybe I'll just listen to good, depressing music and be happy in my sadness and bitterness. Or maybe I'll just get lost in a good book. I am lucky that right now I'm not so depressed that I can't find enjoyment in a good book.

Tell About It

So I've realized that I haven't been completely authentic with others about myself for a while. In the last post I put down the lines from a poem which goes:

Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.

And I was thinking that I haven't been paying attention enough lately, or haven't been astonished enough, but after thinking about it some more, I think my real problem is that I haven't been following the last line of advice--tell about it. I used to be quite vocal about my opinions, but through the years I've become more quiet, in ways. I'm not exactly sure why this has happened, but I think when we don't voice how we truly feel, we run the risk of feeling inauthentic, which can lead to depression.

A friend and I have been talking about a book we read years ago called "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn. It's a fantastic book and was very influential for me. In our discussions we talked about how we've changed with age--particularly how we've sort of sold out to the great machine of middle class America. I used to be so idealistic and passionate about my ideas, but lately I just accept one excuse after another and end up keeping my ideas to myself and living below my ideals. However, within the last several weeks, the idealist within me is waking and I can feel my passion stirring, and believe me, they're not happy. I know I've sold out; I know I've kept my opinions to myself so as not to offend people; I know I haven't been authentic. And although this may only be a partial cause of my depression, I think I know what needs to happen: I need to tell about those things that I believe in, those things that I find amazing and astonishing; I need to be authentic with myself. Maybe in doing so, just maybe I will find more happiness. I believe I will. It feels as if I am on journey of rediscovering myself. That has to be good.

Sometimes

I have been reading some poetry recently. Out of the book "Red Bird" by Mary Oliver. I'm new to her poems, but I quite like her. Sometimes I find poetry speaks to me in ways nothing else can. In one poem called "Sometimes" she writes:

Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.

So, maybe that's what I need right now, to pay attention and be astonished and share my astonishment with others. I've been feeling like life is so daily lately. I've lost my astonishment and I haven't been paying attention. I think this is part of being happy.

Nothing's wrong and nothing's right

So I've been in the Tri-Cities now for 6 months and the other night I realized how much I miss Pullman. There is nothing wrong with where I'm at now, but there's nothing right either. There were a lot of things right about Pullman. I've been working hard to make TC work, but I suppose some things just take time. I wonder if I'll ever come to feel about TC like I feel about Pullman.

So how does one go about trying to embrace their life and circumstances as they are at the moment? I say that I'm trying hard, but what does that really mean? It means I'm putting myself in uncomfortable situations (i.e. being sociable and as outgoing as possible for me); I've introduced myself to the academic community here, even taken jobs that aren't a perfect fit for me; I have gotten my kids involved in activities outside of school and am supporting them in those; I'm experimenting with different anti-depressants, trying to find one that works; I've joined a book group and am involved in church; why do I still feel out of sync? Maybe it really is just a matter of time. Maybe I just need to "fake it 'til I make it." Can you lie to yourself successfully enough that you ultimately believe the lie, thus making it truth? I think one can do so, to an extent; but I also think that depression can stem from lying to ourselves. Hmm, it's complicated.

If something isn't wrong, but it also isn't right, then what is it? And is there anything you can do to make a non-wrong a right? What more can I do to make TC work for me? I don't know how much of my depression really comes from the move. Things definitely got worse for me, emotionally, when we decided to accept the job here in TC. It's almost been a year now. That's a long time to be depressed. I'm ready for a change but have now idea how to go about it. I don't know what more to do. Well, I suppose that's enough wallowing for now. Patience is a virtue.

Albatross

This morning as I was lying in bed trying to decide why I should get up, I had an epiphany. I had to get out of bed this morning because the dogs needed to be let out. Other mornings I get out of bed because I need to get the kids to school. I think that when I'm depressed I only do things if it's going to affect other people, when others are depending on me for something. For example, I prepare for my teaching because the students have paid tuition and deserve my best effort. Yesterday I gave a seminar that I spent many hours preparing for because the faculty who asked me to come in was expecting it. When I teach in Relief Society, I prepare for it because the Presidency is depending on me to do it and the women there deserve my attention to the lesson. I suppose in those last examples there's an element of personal pride (or fear of making a fool of myself by being unprepared), but I'm very conscious of what I "owe" the other people or what is expected of me.

So, my question is, what do I do for myself? During a depressive episode, I don't think there is much I do just for me. I think that is why I'm struggling with getting my dissertation done. Finishing my degree feels like something personal, I don't owe anyone anything, no one is really depending on me finishing my degree, so it feels impossible to do. Now, if my family was depending on me finishing my PhD so I could get a decent job and feed them, it'd be a totally different ball game. Right now, the only thing I can think of that I do totally because I want to do it, is Tae Kwon Do. And I find myself sometimes struggling with making the effort to get there 2-3 times a week. But I do because I love doing it and I love the focus it gives me for an hour at a time.

I really wish I could find some reason to get my dissertation finished. This has become an albatross hanging around my neck. At an earlier point, working on my degree was like watching the albatross flying free--it was a joy. But not now. What happened? I don't know if I need to just find some reason why I need to finish that is outside of myself, so I can get it done just like I make myself get out of bed every morning, or if I need to find the personal joy in it again. I'm not sure I can find the joy in it right now. There are so many road blocks and I'm so tired of falling down and dragging myself back up again. But in this state of mind/being I think I do need an external motivation; yet I have no idea where to find it. It's not enough that not finishing is adding to my depression--my own emotional needs are not reason enough when I feel like this.

But realizing all of this has been important for me. It's important as I learn more about what motivates me, what keeps me going when I'm so damned depressed, what I need to find for finishing my degree. This feels like a big life lesson learned.