Digressions

It seems that I think myself into dark places sometimes. This week has actually been quite productive and I have felt motivated to work on my dissertation. However, I find myself very angry and bitter right now. I feel as if my life is not what was meant to be (probably a lot of 40-something year olds think the same thing). But that begs the question--is there such a thing as "meant to be?" Part of me believes that yes, certain things in life happen for a reason and that certain people or events are meant to be. Another part of me thinks that if that is so, then where is the motivation to do anything? If everything is how it's meant to be, then all the good and bad, all of our choices, seem moot because regardless of what we do, it is all as it "should" be. So where does choice and power to change come in? It seems a bit fatalistic.

But I digress. I get tired of heavy thoughts and emotions. I need to find a way to let go of my resentment, "it isn't helpful." I put that in quotes because it's such a canned answer and truly isn't helpful to say. Of course it isn't helpful to hang on to resentment or to think negative thoughts (okay, here's my tirade against canned psychotherapy) but if all we had to do was choose not to think that way, wouldn't we all be happy? There is a certain element to choosing how we feel and think, but there is also something to said about brain chemistry, learned behavior, etc. I guess this is what this blog is about--finding ways to change my thought patterns and be happier. And finding ways to change behavior, finding ways to motivate myself. And for some people, I think all it does take is to decide to be happy. I however am not one of those lucky people.

Again, another digression. I can't remember what I was even going to write tonight. So maybe I'll just listen to good, depressing music and be happy in my sadness and bitterness. Or maybe I'll just get lost in a good book. I am lucky that right now I'm not so depressed that I can't find enjoyment in a good book.