It Could Be

So.  Here I am, no longer depressed, but no wiser on how to find happiness and meaning in life.  I'm not sure why I'm no longer feeling so depressed--it could be because my medications are working; it could be because this depressive episode was finally spent (although it was an incredibly long episode); it could be because my advisor is finally acting like an advisor; it could be that I'm finally settling down in my new home (again, an issue of enough time passing); it could be prayers were answered; it could be that certain aspects of therapy are finally clicking into place; it could be any combination of things.  But does the reason matter?  I think it does because if there is a specific behavior or event or some concrete reason, then I can use that for future depressive episodes.  But if it's merely a function of time, then the important thing is to hang in there long enough.  If it's merely a function of time, then I have no control over my depression and that thought, in and of itself, is depressing.

How does one go about unraveling the truth from something as complex as human emotions/nature?  The scientist in me recognizes the necessity and impossibility of having a true control group and controlling all possible combinations of factors that might effect ones mood.   The poet in me laughs at the scientist for even thinking there is such a thing as "control."  And I'm left wondering.  Maybe the cause isn't as important as the lesson learned--that my depression doesn't last forever, regardless of how it might feel at a given moment.  Actually, I think that is closer to the truth than one might think.  I distinctly recall the time when my depression was first recognized as such and the first time I saw a therapist and the first time I came out of a major depression.  It was very clear to me then, that depression was one part of me, but that it wouldn't last forever.  My twenty-something self remarked that I should remember this time, the time when I worked through my depression, remember it for future times of depression--there would always be that knowledge and, dare I say, hope.  And in truth that is one thing that plays in the back of my mind, with varying degrees of power and influence, when I'm depressed. 

I learned that depression was something I'd deal with off and on throughout my life.  Sometimes, just knowing I've gotten through it before can at least stave off any thoughts of self-harm or death, if not give me hope.  Hope is often impossible when I'm really depressed, but it can be a foggy memory that at least keeps me going.  So now, what do I do?  What do I do without depression as a familiar, if not comfortable, companion?  I prove to myself, one more time, that the depression won't last forever.  I remind myself that I am more than my depression.  I find the power within myself to be disciplined, work hard, and most importantly enjoy the moments I have that are depression-free.  Over the last several days I've actually caught myself singing (and not my beloved dark songs), just singing for no apparent reason.  I've also found myself freely laughing with my children.  What a wonderful gift that is!  Maybe I shouldn't worry about the "why" and I should just enjoy what is.