Labels

So, I have just learned I may have been misdiagnosed all these years.  That could be good because if that's the case, there are different medications that will work better than the slew of anti-depressants I've been slogging through and reaping few benefits from.  It will take a couple of weeks and some more diagnostic tests, but I'm somewhat hopeful.  The strange thing is trying on a new diagnostic hat, so to speak.  I've spent 20 years or so defining myself as a "depressed" person, at least some of the time.  Now, maybe I've been wrong.  I wonder if changing labels will change the reality I live in.   

Signature Strengths

My therapist recommended a book to me called "Authentic Happiness" by Martin E. P. Seligman.  Normally I wouldn't spend time on a book with a title like that--it sounds a little cheesy.  However, I respect my therapists opinion so I got the book.  It's not too bad.  In it he writes "I believe that the highest success in living and the deepest emotional satisfaction comes from building and using your signature strengths.  So, what is a signature strength?  They are attributes or strengths of character that one self-consciously owns.  That doesn't say much, but if you look up the author he has a website with a test you can take to find your signature strengths.  He also mentions the following as ways to identify your signature strengths:   Is there a sense of ownership and authenticity ("this is the real me"), a feeling of excitement while displaying it, a rapid learning curve as the strength is first practiced, continuous learning of new ways to enact the strength, a sense of yearning to find ways to use it, a feeling of inevitability in using the strength, invigoration rather than exhaustion while using the strength, the creation and pursuit of personal projects that revolve around it, and joy, zest, enthusiasm, even ecstasy while using it.

As I've been reading the book and taking the tests, the results show that my top signature strengths are love of learning, curiosity, appreciation of beauty and integrity.  I think I would add teaching to that list, or at least sharing my love of learning.  However, during the last two years of working on this degree I feel like there's been this constant chipping away at my resolve.  This has left me questioning my signature strengths--particularly my ability to learn.  And it has taken the joy out of learning for me.  I end up feeling like I can't accomplish anything and now it's seeping into my confidence in my teaching.  So, I question what my signature strengths really are. 

My therapist suggested another signature strength to me--perseverance.  She believes that without perseverance I would have quit working on my degree long ago.  I guess that's a good way of thinking about it.  Hopefully it's enough to keep me hanging in there until I finish.  Part of me wants to finish just so I can say I did it, without any thanks to my advisor (he's so uninspiring and one who has been doing most of the undermining of my confidence). So, I'd love to "stick it to the man" by finishing and not giving up.  But truthfully, right now, the main reason I'm considering finishing this damnable degree is so I can get a decent job to pay off my student loans.

That makes me sad though, to be reduced to using economics as a motivating factor.  I want my signature strength back, I want to finish this degree because I love learning.  But maybe right now I should be glad that I at least have one reason to finish.

My dad, if he were alive, would say "to Hell with them! You can do this without them."  But you know, I need them--the academic community--to validate me.  I thrive on having a professor telling me I've done a good job, that I'm an exceptional student, etc.  I used to get that a lot, back when I was an undergrad and getting my master's.  But not so much anymore.  My advisor never tells me I'm even just good enough, let alone exceptional.  When I was younger, although I thrived on the praise, I used to worry that one day they'd see through me and realize that I wasn't that great.  I think now, that I lack that praise, a part of me says "look, see they finally figured out what a fraud you are and how mediocre of a scientist you are."  I feel like the lack of praise I'm getting now is the true assessment of myself, rather than the kudos I got when I was younger.  Somehow I've let this one person undo the confidence I have in myself.  One persons opinion is outweighing multiple opinions of people who said I was good enough.  And not just good enough, but exceptional.  How is it that I've given one man so much power over me?  I'm just realizing this as I'm writing it and it pisses me off!  I have got to work on that.  Somehow I need to take that power back and not allow one persons poor opinion negate all the positive ones.

Okay, I've blathered on long enough.  But I think a portion of my depression has come from allowing my advisor to sabotage my signature strengths.  And that's just not right.  Now, if I only had the energy to fight back.  Unfortunately, the depression has zapped me of my strength and will.  But I will persevere.  That may be the most important signature strength yet.

Good Books and Rumination

I've just started reading a novel called The History of Love by Nicole Krauss and I'm taken in after only 20 pages.  Here's a part of the book that really struck home to me:

    "It had been so long, I didn't know any other way of being.  One day I woke up and said to myself: it's not too late.  The first days were strange.  I had to practice smiling in front of the mirror.  But it came back to me.  It was as a weight had been lifted.  I let go, and something let go of me."

I wish I knew what I had to let go of.  It's been about 2 years now, and I don't seem to be getting any better, assuming there is a better.  In this book, the character is talking about letting go of anger, but I've heard it said that depression is anger turned inside.  Actually, when I stop and think about it, I am pretty angry. 

I'm angry at my dad for dying.  I'm angry at my advisor for being a Jack Wagon (otherwise known as a jackass).  I'm angry at having to move when I wanted to stay where I was.  I'm angry at whomever coined the phrase "bloom where you're planted."  I'm angry at myself for not being stronger and better able to fight this depression.

Another part from the book that I love, where the main character is talking about a plant he has:

   "I've had it for almost ten years.  It's barely alive, but it is alive.  More brown than green.  There are parts that have withered.  But still is lives, leaning always to the left.  Even when I rotate it so that what faced the sun no loner faces the sun, it stubbornly leans to the left, choosing against physical need in favor of an act of creativity.  I poured the rest of my water into its pot.  What does it mean, anyway, to flourish?"

What does it mean, to flourish?  That is a very good question.  I'm glad I have book group, which introduced me to this book, because I can tell it's going to be a very good read.  Already I've found two (actually more) ideas on which to ruminate.  I'm good at ruminating, you have to be if you're going to be good at depression; and that's me--good at depression.