Life Without Depression

Over the last 3 days I have started a therapeutic dose of my new medication.  I know it's too early to tell if there will be any change, but I'm anxiously waiting.  The thing is, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  Maybe I'll experience more energy, maybe the ability to focus more, and could I possibly hope for feeling more happy?  I'm still very confused about what causes happiness.  I know it's not situations or anything external, because if it was I would be happy right now and I know of too many stories of people who have found peace in extremely horrible external conditions.  Of course, peace and happiness are two different things, but they're sort of related.  I would settle for either one.

When I stop and think about it I realize that I am not sure what I want or expect from my life without depression.  And I am afraid to hope for a life without it.  But what does a life without depression look like, what do I want out of my life without depression?  For starters, I want more energy.  I want satisfaction in the activities I participate in.  It would also be nice to be able to do everyday activities (taking care of the house and yard) without a struggle. For example, doing the dishes or taking out the garbage without requiring a huge amount of effort and internal debate.  I would like to be able to enjoy my children.  It would be nice if the energy required for relationships just flowed out of me rather than having to be squeezed out of me every time.  I would like to feel desire and energy to finish my PhD.  I'd like to laugh more.  It would be good to get a bit of my self-confidence back.  And honestly, I'd like to feel happy more often than not.  I would like to know what normal feels like for normal people.  Anyone have any suggestions?

Seeing Through Fog

I thought I'd try writing about what is good in my life:
(sitting and thinking. . .)
This is hard right now, because anything I think of just feels trite, not honest.
Honestly I know I have a lot of good in my life, but the fog of depression keeps me from seeing my life clearly.  My life and the people in it lack clarity and focus; so my list of things that are good in my life might include "my children, my husband, my dogs, friends, and medical advances in brain biochemistry."  These would all be true, but they are too broad to be powerful enough to change my depression.  What I need is concrete moments that I can hold up close enough to my eyes to see them clearly, hold closely, so they don't fade away into the fog.

So, let me write about the few things I can see through the fog:

• My cat warming me at night, on my bed, always sleeping near my right arm.
• Having walked this morning when every part of me wanted to just crawl back in bed--I did it, damn it!
• Really good music that takes me away for the 3-4 minutes of its duration.
• The possibility of a new friend; even the slightest hint of a kindred spirit carries a lot of weight.