A Little Bit Less Down Is A Little Bit Up

A good therapist is makes life so much more bearable!  I have been lucky enough to find someone who tends to lift me up, even during sessions that lack excitement or discovery of insight.  My therapist inspires me to try, even on the darkest of days.  So I'll try.  I'll keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, I'll keep taking steps to move forward even when all I want to do is lay down and die.  That's what a good therapist can do.

I'm feeling less sluggish today.  Still tired and a bit down, but a bit less down.  And that could also be considered a bit up, couldn't it?  I wish I knew what is causing the difference.  My husband asked me that and I have no answer for him; I'm just less down today.  My new medicine (in my ever-growing cocktail) isn't supposed to have an effect for several weeks, so I doubt it's that.  Maybe it's sex.  Maybe it's random chance.  Maybe my cold is causing all the problems and I'm finally getting over my cold.  Maybe it's an answer to my prayers or the alignment of the stars.  I just don't know.  And the only reason I'm dwelling on this is because I want to keep moving in the direction of a little bit up.  I am grateful for the small bit of relief I'm feeling and am greedy and want to feel more.  Unfortunately, I don't know what the answer is.  It's frustrating and I'd better move to a different topic before I lose my little bit up.

One thing my therapist wants me to do is to start exercising.  I was doing fairly well for a while, but I've stopped.  I think I'll try running. I used to run (well, shuffle, really, but it's running for me) and even ran a marathon.  I think its time to start running again.  I know winter is a great time for that!  Oh well, I'll start with a mile tomorrow and see where I go from there.  And maybe I can get into exercising enough that I can back off the meds a bit, or altogether.  Who knows?  But for now, I'll plan on running a mile and see what happens.  One day at a time.  One little bit up at a time.

Damn, This Sucks

I think I went about 8 days or more feeling good; then several more weeks not feeling depressed.  But I'm back to depressed.  Damn, this really sucks.  I'm having some strange reactions to the medication (at least that's what I'm assuming) and the worst one is that I'm feeling very sluggish, in thoughts, words and actions.  It's left me feeling dull, slow and apathetic.  Plus I'm not sleeping well, so being tired is complicating the sluggishness.  I'm finding it really difficult to even write.

So what does my doctor want to do?  Add more medications into the mix.  I can't decide how I feel about that.  I guess I'll try it for a little while longer--try to get an effective combination.  But he says that it may be several weeks before I get some relief.  Big sigh.  I needed relief months ago, years ago even.  So what's another couple of weeks?

There were a lot of things I was going to write, but I can't seem to draw my focus. It's probably best I end for now and try and pull my thoughts together another time. 

4 Days and Counting

I am going on my 3rd week of being on a therapeutic dose of lithium.  I've had a week of feeling better and 4 days now of actually feeling good.  However, I'm tired tonight and a small voice inside of me is saying that I'm getting depressed again; this is because so much of my depression was tied to exhaustion, so I don't know how to feel tired but still feel fine or good.  I'm trying hard to just be tired and not over-analyze everything.

Today I found out that my nephew, who is only 10 years younger than me, is going into rehab for drug use.  He's married to this wonderful woman and has 4 darling children and I ache for him and his family.  This makes me wonder about the different problems we have to face.  There was a time. not so long ago, that I wanted to trade someone problems, just to be finished with the depression.  But I think about the extreme difficulties dealing with addictions and I'll stay with my depression, thank you very much. 

The amount of human suffering in the world is unimaginable.  When I stop and think about all the people, each with their own set of circumstances, each with their own grief, I feel guilty about my own depression because it's not caused by horrible circumstances or really bad choices made by myself or someone else.  It seems to be just mindless suffering, without a strong cause and without a real reason.  Anyway, I'm grateful I'm at least at a point right now where I can feel sorrow for someone else's problems.  A few months ago I couldn't have felt this overwhelming sadness for someone else because all I could feel was sadness in general.

So I'm almost 5 days into feeling much better and I'm not sure where to go with my thoughts and with blogging.  How does one relearn happiness if happiness (or at least lack of depression) seems to come in the form of a pill?  I struggle with this a lot--what is contentment, or happiness, or feeling good, for me, if the majority of it all seems to be a question of biochemistry?  I guess if that's truly how I feel, however, I've been wasting a lot of time and money in therapy.  And I don't think that's been a waste.  But I just don't know where the intersection between biochemistry and choice or behavior is.  Feeling good is as confusing as feeling bad!  Maybe it's just me and my tendency to over-analyze everything.  But it will be interesting to get reacquainted with myself in my non-depressed state.  It's been a long time and I don't remember her all that well.  I hope I like her.

As I read over this it feel disjointed and lacking in a clear theme.  But maybe it's the case where the form is a manifestation of the theme.  My confusion and concern about feeling good is close to the surface for me, so I guess it's okay to have a blog that is confusing as a representation of what I'm going through.  The confusion is real, but it's good.  I like having these new questions to deal with.  Let's just wait and see how long this can keep going.