"What's There to be Depressed About?"

Last night as I was getting my meds out, my 15 year old son came into the kitchen, shirtless, and asked me what I was taking the medicine for.  I told him it was for depression.  "Depression?" he said, "You're depressed?  Why are you depressed when you can see all this?" and he flexed his arms and strutted around me.  I busted up laughing!  Where did that kid get such a great self-esteem?

Apparently I've done a good job at keeping my depression in check around my kids.  That's always been one of my biggest concerns, because I grew up thinking I was responsible for my mom's happiness/unhappiness in life (and I am still trying to rid myself of that baggage).  Throughout my depression I've always feared my children will feel responsible for my depression, or somehow be scarred for life because I've been depressed for so long (of course that could provide good fodder for years of therapy!).  I'm really grateful that I have evidence to the contrary.

I love the simplicity of my son's response.  What do I have to be depressed about?  Now I realize my depression isn't caused too much by situation.  Sure, making a move that I wasn't happy about definitely contributed, but in general I have a good life.  I have 3 healthy, happy children; a good husband; good friends; a nice home and all of my creature needs taken care of; extended family that while weird, is still good people; no major childhood nightmares to heal from; a great therapist; etc. etc.  What's there to be depressed about?  I recognize that depression doesn't have to be situational.  And mine is definitely not.  But it's amazing how much easier it is to recognize and accept the good in your life when you're not depressed.

I noticed that although my medication is helping and I'm not feeling as depressed, I'm still identifying myself as depressed.  Interesting.

Je ne sais pas

Boy, this last week has been great.  I've gotten a lot of work done on my dissertation and have felt like I'm just walking through air like normal folk, instead of slogging through mud everyday.  I've also been reading several blogs that I follow and there are a couple of women who seem to live life on a very different plane.  It's as if they're on a higher wavelength, whereas I am going through with mediocracy.  I envy them.  My life and concerns and thoughts seem so mundane, whereas theirs seem to be more spiritual, which allows them each to experience and radiate an immense sense of hope.  I'm not naive enough to think they have no problems, I know they do and they often share their problems on their blogs.  But they have a hidden source of "je ne sais pas" that gives them a belief and hope throughout their trials.  I'd like to find that.  But I'm not going to beat myself up over our differences; I'm happy to be on the road to recovery, I can find greater depth to my life later.  So here's to women and friends and bloggers who give me a goal to reach for!

Normal?

I'm going on about a week now of feeling normal (although my childhood friend reminds me that I was never "normal"!), so a week of feeling non-depressed.  I'm not feeling good or great, but when I told my doctor this he just laughed and me and said no one ever feels good all the time.  I'd like to, however.  But I'll take normal, because it's so much better than depressed.  But now that I'm feeling better, I plan on adding methyl-folate to my cocktail.  I'm curious to see what kind of difference it might make.  I've been taking it for 2 days now. 

I've got a lot of work left to do, considering the large amount of emotional baggage I acquired over the last 2 years.  That, plus the work on my dissertation should keep me pretty busy.

"Yes I Can"

I think the meds are finally working.  During these last few days I've felt as close to "normal" as I ever have during the last 2 years.  It's really refreshing.  I'm still trying to keep up on all the other things (vitamins, therapy, etc), especially exercise.  It's hard, but I know I need to do it; so on I shuffle (i.e. jog).  It feels like there's been a weight lifted from my mind and chest.  But despite all of this, I find some of my thoughts staying on the depressed track.  I just need to cognitively stop those depressed lines of thinking and get my thoughts on a different track; the "yes I can" track (to modify a phrase from the Obama campaign).

One key thing that has changed is my desire to work on my dissertation is back.  I've actually spent a couple of days working on it! Unfortunately, I have a hard time keeping up a positive attitude about the dissertation and my ability to finish.  In my gut I know I want to finish, I know I can do it.  In my head I question my abilities and constantly belittle my efforts.  So I want to live from my gut (sounds funny, maybe "heart" is a better body part!).  I also feel less overwhelmed with housework, although I think it will always overwhelm me to some extent, I hate housework!  But it's good to not have a large initial inertia to overcome just to do the laundry or vacuum.

So, let's hope this lasts.  It feels like I'm feeling better at a deeper level than I have in the past.  Happiness is finally finding a good combination of medicines.

Bad Science

I'm still doing better, but not great.  "Great" is where I want to be, though.  I did start methyl-folate yesterday; so that makes 2 days under it's influence :) Unforunately, I've also started another prescription recently and am getting up to therapeutic doses for that at the same time that I'm trying methyl-folate.  This is bad science, but I'm too anxious to get better to wait and do good science.  I won't be able to fully tell whether any change in mood is due to jogging, medications, or methyl-folate.  Hopefully I will see a change though.  As I write this, I'm thinking mabye I'd better wait on the methyl-folate, so that I can identify possible causes to better emotional health.  I really want to make sure I can see the results of mehtyl-folate without confusing it with my other meds because if it does have a positive effect I may want to supplement my daughters diet with some and see if that helps reduce her anxiety that she goes through every day.  So.  Scratch the beginning of this post because I've decided to wait on the methyl-folate.  The results are too important to be sloppy in my great self-experiment towards happiness.

Baby Steps

So I seem to be bouncing around on the emotional trampoline these days.  Today I'm doing better, even though nothing seems to have changed.  It was still a lot of work to get out and jog, but I did it.  That makes a week of exercising for me, yea!  I'm not feeling up, or really good, but, like I mentioned in a previous post, I'm feeling a little less down.  

The big thing I've done since feeling a little less down, is to dust off one of my chapters to my dissertation!  I haven't looked at it, really, mind you; but I've printed it off, briefly read some of my prof's comments, and am now looking at it wondering what to do next.  But I haven't touched the dissertation for months, so I feel good about this baby step I've made (remember the movie "What About Bob?"  It was such a funny show!).  Next step is to read over the chapter.  After that, address the comments made by my advisor.  After that, send it back to him.  I think that's part of what I need to do to get back working on this dissertation--break it down into small, manageable tasks, rather than say "I need to revise my chapter. . ."  That seems to big and overwhelming.

So I'll take today and feeling a little bit better.  I still have to work to do everything that needs to be done (i.e. dishes, laundry, cooking, go into work, etc.) but at least I'm not feeling quite as heavy as I have been the last week.  I guess when you get as low as I am, you'll take whatever you can get and feel grateful.

Bleaker Moments

I am doing everything I can think of to kick this depression, and still I’m down.  I’m seeing a therapist, taking meds, exercising, taking vitamins and fish oil, cut back on my caffeine consumption, praying . . . what more can I do?  It feels like I’m destined to live this way forever, and that I can’t handle.  This just all feels so unbearable, I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this without breaking.  I have moments of relief that may last an afternoon or evening, but nothing that lasts for a significant amount of time and nothing that I can count on.  Each morning I have to fight to get out of bed and get the kids ready for school.  I have to bite my tongue when my daughter says she doesn’t want to go to school because I’m tempted to let her stay home—it’d be so much easier.  I have to force myself to go jogging; I’m not enjoying it at all.  It takes every last ounce of will power not to go back to bed after the kids are at school and I’ve gone jogging.  I have to make myself eat.  And I’m supposed to start work next week, which I’m not looking forward to.  Then there’s the whole dissertation issue.  How can I get focused on my dissertation when I can barely get out of bed and take care of the kids?  I’m just at the end of my rope, ready for some relief, right now. 

Go Ahead and Hope

These last couple of days has found me a bit more hopeful than usual.  I've been reading a lot of blogs about depression and the like and am finding some interesting therapies out there (I use that term very loosely).  One in particular, that I am quite interested in, is concerning l-methylfolate.  Now, if I understand my research correctly, l-methylfolate is the form of folic acid that your body utilizes.  There is evidence that people who have difficulty transforming folate into l-methylfolate have a tendency toward depression and anxiety (and a whole slew of other things like miscarriages, of which I've had 3).  This is a genetic disorder and there's a doctor here in the TC area that has done a lot of research on this.  Anyway, I'm in the infancy of my research, but I'm hopeful.  I'm hopeful because there is evidence that l-methylfolate can augment the efficacy of anti-depressants.  I'm hopeful because I've read blogs where people who have tried this have had some awesome results.  I'm hopeful because something about this rings true to me.  I'm hopeful because if I do have the genetic condition, it could explain some of what I'm seeing in my own children.  And I'm hopeful because if it works for me, it might work for my sisters and mother. 

I realize my hope is dependent on several ifs:  if I have the genetic deficiency, if the l-methylfolate  works for me.  I have also read some blogs where the l-methylfolate didn't work.  And the medical literature is mixed, for every one that says there's a connection there's another researcher that says there's not. What I've realized as I've been writing this is that I'm scared to hope.  I've lived so long without hope and now I'm worried I'll get myself all excited about something only to be let down.  I was excited with the switch in my diagnosis and meds, but still spend too much time depressed.  So why should l-methylfolate be any different?

But my herculean effort for the beginning of the year is to go ahead and hope.  So here I go, full of hope.  I'm ready for a new life in 2012; I'm ready to find the essence of me again; I'm ready to experience joy and happiness in life again.  Here's hoping for a good New Year!