Apparently I can only write when I'm feeling down. We’re still tinkering with my meds. I was so horribly shaky that I couldn’t write legibly, I shook like an old woman or someone with palsy. Anyway, the doctor decreased my lithium and welbutrin levels. Now I’m not shaking, but I’m feeling quite dysthymic. I don’t know if the dythymia has to do with the recent decrease in the lithium or not. This just does not seem fair—every time I get close to some med combo that seems to work, or promises to be helpful the side-effects are lousy. I can’t live with the tremors, but at least I was feeling fairly decent. Maybe I’m just doomed to live a life of depression. There’s a part of me that feels like if I was strong enough I could kick this on my own; that somehow it’s a weakness to feel this way.
I’ve been reading a book with some very strong female characters in it and they overcome horrible situations just by their wits and sheer stubbornness. I wish I was like them. But I lack wits and stubbornness. I think I lack what it takes to beat this depression.
I’ve been reading a book with some very strong female characters in it and they overcome horrible situations just by their wits and sheer stubbornness. I wish I was like them. But I lack wits and stubbornness. I think I lack what it takes to beat this depression.
2 comments:
I am sorry that you're feeling down and feel that you don't have what it takes to beat the depression.
But you do. Taking medication is part of fighting depression in many, if not most, cases.
I have been on so many medication combos. Some seem to work for a while, then stop. It's hard. But I keep on trying because I know that all the positive thinking in the world and all the talk therapy in the world and all the stubborness in the world won't fix the physical causes of depression, the chemicals in my brain.
Yes, we have to do other things in addition to medication to fight the depression. But for many of us, medication is what we need to enable us to do the other things.
I'm not ashamed of taking antidepressants, because I'm taking a step to take care of myself.
I'm sorry if I am preaching. But I am passionate about this. I hate to see you beat up on yourself. Think of all you've accomplished.
You are kicking depression in the butt because you are trying. You are working on it.
Thanks Tina,
It's good to have a reminder now and then that the process of finding the right meds is ultimately worth it.
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