It's funny how easily it is for my thoughts to spiral down and get close to being out of control. It's funny how much a small chemical change in my body can effect my mood. It's funny, except that it's not. It's quite frustrating and well, depressing. The mood changes I'm experiencing are almost tangible. And although I'm glad to know the lithium helps elevate my mood, I'm still very dissatisfied with the side-effects I experience: shakiness, lack of balance, poor word recall, foggy thinking. It doesn't seem right that I should have to sacrifice those things for a good mood. But why not? What makes me think anything in this life is going to be right or fair? It's not, so I just have to pick my poison. The difficult thing is that whatever I'm experiencing at the moment is the thing I can't stand and want to get rid of. So when I was on the lithium I hated the side effects and just wanted to get rid of them. Now I'm rid of the side effects but have the depressed mood to contend with. And all I want to do is get rid of that. I guess the sooner I accept the fact that my choices are all bad to some extent, the better off I'll be. But that's depressing in and of itself.
Natural Art
Sandstone rock wall in Petra, Jordan
3 comments:
IS it okay that I don't have anything reassuring to say? I just say, "damn" and shake my head.
Depression is a wicked beast. Wish that there was a sword that could slay the monster.
Thanks, nothing always needs to be said. I'll figure myself out of this one too. Its not like this is new for me or anything. Damn and double damn.
Sounds like life in the pits. I hope you at least had a nice time with your mom?
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