I'm tired, frustrated, and trying to maintain a positive, hopeful attitude. I have a week and a half before my defense of my dissertation. I'm supposed to defend on Nov. 5th. However, one of my committee members (my old chair) is being a real jack a** about it all. Now I'm not sure if I'll have to push back the date or not. The last day one can defend is the 16th of November; and that would be dependent on if I can get everyone's schedule together again. If not, I have to wait another semester before graduating. I'll be really pissed off if that's the case. But hey, pissed off is better than depressed, isn't it?
My medication seems to continue to work, for which I'm grateful. I am having trouble getting out of the habits of depression. When I get frustrated I first think about sleeping or avoidance via movies/TV. It is still tricky to focus. And there are still times I want to be irritated, mad or disappointed in certain people.
Although the emotional steam for that is gone, I still think about it and have to remind myself that I can let go. However I can go grocery shopping without any trouble. I can spend time with my children and enjoy them. And I have positive thoughts that can try to replace the negative ones.
Depression is so weird. I don't get people who are always happy and positive--I don't think it's just about choice. I think there is an element of choice to being happy, but I also think there's a key factor relating to biochemistry. I heard this interview with some actor or something and when asked about he dealt with some the difficulties he went through, his basic response was "some people wake up and decide to lie back down. I wake up and decide to live." If only it were that easy. Sometimes, for the people who decide to lie back down, that is their choice to live--they've decided to put off dying for one more day. And if you haven't struggled with depression I doubt you could really understand what a momentous effort that can be. I hope I don't get so caught up in being non-depressed that I forget what it's like for others who are feeling depressed. I just noticed I used the term "non-depressed" instead of something like "happy." It's not that I don't believe in happiness--I do and I like it when I feel happy. But "non-depressed" is more accurate than "happy all the time" or "full of unending energy" or the like. I think sometimes when I was so depressed I was hoping for a positive feeling that was the exact opposite of depressed, but I just don't think I'll get to be one those people who is full of energy and excitement and hope all of the time. It's just not me. But I can have good days, good friends, good family and be grateful for it all. That's huge.
My medication seems to continue to work, for which I'm grateful. I am having trouble getting out of the habits of depression. When I get frustrated I first think about sleeping or avoidance via movies/TV. It is still tricky to focus. And there are still times I want to be irritated, mad or disappointed in certain people.
Although the emotional steam for that is gone, I still think about it and have to remind myself that I can let go. However I can go grocery shopping without any trouble. I can spend time with my children and enjoy them. And I have positive thoughts that can try to replace the negative ones.
Depression is so weird. I don't get people who are always happy and positive--I don't think it's just about choice. I think there is an element of choice to being happy, but I also think there's a key factor relating to biochemistry. I heard this interview with some actor or something and when asked about he dealt with some the difficulties he went through, his basic response was "some people wake up and decide to lie back down. I wake up and decide to live." If only it were that easy. Sometimes, for the people who decide to lie back down, that is their choice to live--they've decided to put off dying for one more day. And if you haven't struggled with depression I doubt you could really understand what a momentous effort that can be. I hope I don't get so caught up in being non-depressed that I forget what it's like for others who are feeling depressed. I just noticed I used the term "non-depressed" instead of something like "happy." It's not that I don't believe in happiness--I do and I like it when I feel happy. But "non-depressed" is more accurate than "happy all the time" or "full of unending energy" or the like. I think sometimes when I was so depressed I was hoping for a positive feeling that was the exact opposite of depressed, but I just don't think I'll get to be one those people who is full of energy and excitement and hope all of the time. It's just not me. But I can have good days, good friends, good family and be grateful for it all. That's huge.
2 comments:
Kim, I'm glad you're doing well, but sorry about the dissertation defense worries. I hope it all works out quickly for you.
I relate to what you say about the habits of depression. A lot of habits do get ingrained, the sleeping and putting things off. I have found that I have to change my whole mindset about things.
Totally with you on the not getting people who are happy all the time. My mother is one of those people. It's the reason I don't trust optimism. Just looks like another form of self-deception to me.
Post a Comment