Exercise: Running Errands

Luckily the slipping didn't land in the bottom of the well again.  I'm coming back up and trying not to let the Holidays stress me out.  It's dumb to turn this beautiful season into a crab-fest.  I should rethink the whole Santa thing.

I'll be spending Christmas with family and I'm not all that stressed about it.  Usually I dread it, just because it takes so much energy to put on the happy face.  I do love being with my family and friends, and I think this year will be better. 

I missed jogging for 3 days due to the need to run errands.  Too bad running errands doesn't count as running! I'd be in great shape right now!  However, I forced myself to get out today, even though every part of me wanted to curl up with a book.  So, point for me.  I'm always glad after the fact; sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me putting on my running shoes every day.  But I'm clinging to the belief that this exercise is part of the key to my recovery.  And really, it is nice to use my body for something like jogging.  I'm 45 and still able to move my muscles and joints without too much pain!

Slipping

For almost 3 weeks I've lived without the dark pull of depression.  But I'm slipping.  I'm not sure what exactly is causing the change, but I do know it's coinciding with the stress I'm feeling over Christmas.  I'm feeling frantic and worried and stressed.  I want to get the "perfect" gifts for people, but I don't really feel like going shopping--I just don't have time to do any relaxed shopping.  Then there's the whole issue of how much money to spend.  And in less than a week we'll be traveling to visit family, so I have to get everything ready for that.  It's too much, but if I don't do it, how will it get done?

I'm hoping that this doesn't last and that I keep myself from slipping down any further.  I should get out and go jogging, it's actually a lot warmer than the 23 degrees (F) that I have been jogging in.  But I have so much to do today, people expecting me to be places at certain times, so I don't think I can get it in today.  My mood is such that I'm not too sad about it, but I know I really "should" exercise today.  Oh well, c'est la vie.  I really just have to try not to let my thoughts spiral downward and out of control, but it's hard.  I wish the Christmas season was really more relaxing and beautiful than it is for me this year.  With that being said, Merry Christmas everyone!

Good Place To Be

I am still feeling relieved from my depression.  It's almost been two weeks.  That's the longest time I've felt good in the last 4 years.  I've been trying to figure out what has helped me--the new medication I'm on?  The exercise?  The breakthroughs I've had in therapy? 

The weather has turned bitterly cold and it's making jogging hard.  But I'm afraid to stop jogging because I feel like if I do, maybe the depression will creep back.  I've got to figure out a way to jog in really cold weather.  I know people do it, I just haven't found the right combination of layers yet.  Exercising indoors isn't much of an option because jogging outside serves the dual purpose of getting me out and getting the dogs out.

It's strange to be feeling good.  I do feel a little guilty about it though, which is strange, I know.  I feel guilty towards others I know that are still feeling depressed.  I'm not sure why I'm doing better and they're not.  I don't have any magic bullet.  All that I can seem to say is keep going.  Eventually, even if it's 4 years later, it will get better.  I'm also a bit afraid--I'm worried about how long this will last.  I'm not counting on it staying around for any length of time.  I'm just taking it day by day.  When I get tired I sometimes get scared that the depression is coming back, but I think it's just basic tiredness, not the weariness that comes from depression.

Anyway, I'm really hopeful.  It's a good place to be.

A New Vocabulary

It’s 12:30 at night and I can’t sleep because I feel like I’m on the verge of understanding something important.  So I’ve decided to take time and write my thoughts down. 

It all started earlier tonight, as I was reading in bed.  I’m reading Sue Bender’s newest book called “Stretching Lessons.”  She’s the one who wrote “Everyday Sacred” and “Plain and Simple.”  She’s absolutely wonderful.  Her newest book is about learning to be bigger, to be our fullest selves, to give our soul wings.  She talks about how so much of her life has been spent struggling, that she was all about “hard work.”  I think that’s me, too.  So I’ve been thinking about the words I use when I think about me and my life.  Here they are: 

• Persistence
• Struggle
• Effort
• Working hard all the time
• Endure
• Test
• No pain, no gain

 I think about my depression in terms of how hard I’m struggling to overcome it.  And I’ve often written about how tired and weary I am.  Maybe it’s time to stop fighting.  I’m not really sure what that would look like, though.  As I was lying in bed tonight, with these thoughts churning through my mind, I had the image of my depression being a hard, thick shell, protecting me.  But protecting me from what?  I also had the distinct feeling of something inside of me softening.  And when I write that right now I am filled with emotion and I can’t really say why.  But it seems like I’m on the verge of something big and something important.  It’s like I’m in front of something big and true and life-changing, but I can’t quite bring myself to look directly at it, so that I only get sideways glimpses of it.  But I know it’s something really important for me.

“Perhaps within each of us there is a daring spirit that whispers to be heard.”  Sue writes.  She also writes “I wondered if I also believed I had to struggle in order to earn the right to be happy.”  Is that what I’m doing right now?  Am I struggling through this depression because a part of me believes I have to earn the right to be happy?  Is this me trying to earn that right?  As Sue wrote about herself, I find true of myself—I am struggling, longing for ease.  How can one be at ease if one is constantly struggling?  And she talks about finding a way to release herself from the struggle, noting that the word “release” has the word “ease” tucked in it.  

So my job now is to settle myself, to let go, to release whatever it is that I’m holding onto so tightly that I can’t breath anymore.  Funny how I used the word “job,” which is usually associated with “work.”  I need to find a new vocabulary.

Note:  my writing tools aren't responding well, so this doesn't look exactly like I want it to.  It's really been touchy lately and I hate it, it's quite difficult to write these posts.

 

   

Take What I Can Get

Dark thoughts have been kept at bay for 7 days now, although my mood is slipping a bit.  I just purchased and read Allie Brosh's new book "Hyperbole and a Half" which is based on her blog.  She is so funny!  I laughed a lot and also loved the writing she did on depression.  I know I've mentioned that particular post before, but it's so worth reading and sharing with people who don't know what depression is like.  She's funny and poignant at the same time. 

Even though I am exercising regularly, I am still really tired.  Maybe I haven't been exercising long enough to feel the perks of having more energy.  That is the promise of exercise, isn't it?  That you will feel more energized if you consistently exercise.  I'm waiting for that. 

I used to think I didn't have much faith, but the fact that I'm taking my meds, seeing a therapist, exercising, and still waiting for things to get better must be some sort of act of faith.  I've decided that I have quite a bit of faith, actually.  Good for me!

The weekend is coming up and weekends are usually trying for me.  Everyone is home (kids, husband) and I don't get long periods of time to myself.  I am still enjoying my "me time" while everyone is at school or work.  I'm still reading and watching TV a lot.  But I'm also starting to feel the slight rumblings of wanting to do something more.  I'm not sure what the "more" would really look like, but once again, I'll take what I can get. 

I've been spending a little more time looking for a job, but that can be depressing in and of itself. Even though I have a PhD, I'm not really qualified to do much.  I have no retail experience, so working at a bookstore or REI isn't likely (as they want several years of retail experience), plus retail doesn't pay enough for me to pay off my student loans.  And there aren't a lot of teaching gigs around town, if I even had the energy to teach.  I will be teaching one class next semester, but I'm sort of dreading it.  Maybe I'm just not ready for a job.  But I am ready to make some money and get out from all of this debt I've acquired.

Thanksgiving is coming up and everyone is talking about what they are thankful for.  I guess I'm thankful that I'm still alive.  And I'm really grateful for some remarkable women in my life.  Of course I'm thankful for the usual family, husband, kids, home, freedom.  But I'm really thankful that I've had a week free of debilitating depression.  I really do like Thanksgiving and believe in trying to have an "attitude of gratitude," however, gratitude can be a tricky thing when you're stumbling through the fog of depression.  I guess I should be grateful that I can feel some gratitude.  How's that?

So, I guess we take what we can get in this life and have the faith that things might improve.  Just my two cents.

Absence of Dark Thoughts

I'm going on my fourth day of feeling okay.  It's kind of weird and I feel like something is missing.  My past experience is that I can't count on good days being the norm, but I will take what I can get, when I can get it.  I am wondering if the Deplin is starting to work.  Also, I've been jogging with the dogs for the last week and a half, could that be part of the mood change?  Apparently exercise is key to fighting depression, so maybe.  But I don't know if a week and a half is long enough to make a difference.  Anyway, I don't know why I'm feeling better, but I am.  I still don't have much interest in doing things, but at least I'm not sitting around constantly thinking about how life is hard and not really worth it.  I'm not sure if life feels like it's "worth it" yet, but there's definitely an absence of dark thoughts.  I am not going to get ahead of myself and think that I'm out of this 4 year depression, but it is a real relief to have almost a week of emotional ease.

Fixing Dinner Along the Way

So my time of empowerment didn't last long.  Just 2 days.  I feel like I'm in a deep, dark well, clawing my way out.  And every time I get a glimpse of sunlight, I reach for another handhold and . . . I slip back down into the dark and the mud and the cold.  I could really use a recharge right now.  I'm losing hope, or maybe I've used up most of what hope I have.  
 

I’m sitting downstairs in my room right now, listening to music and writing and I know I have to stop and go upstairs and help with dinner and homework and then get the kids to bed; all the mundane things that take so much energy for me to perform.  But I guess I’m nothing if not persistent.  So, here I go again, clawing my way back up the well, fixing dinner along the way.

Two Important (Maybe) Ideas

I had a really good talk with a dear friend today.  There are two important things I learned, or ideas that we discussed.  1.  Maybe God didn’t answer my prayers because I have to do it on my own.  2.  Maybe the purpose of life is to live purposefully.  

So, let’s look at the first idea.  I was telling my friend about my prayers long ago to feel or know that I was a child of God, that I was important, and trying to pray away the depression, praying for an end to it; and that I never felt any answers.  So I quit praying and I've been doubting the existence of God ever since, despite my religious upbringing and my continued participation in my church.  But today, while talking with my friend, I reflected on the time when Sam was a little boy trying to learn how to write the letter “S.”  He was so frustrated and mad because he couldn’t do it, and he thought he’d never get it.  And I sat back knowing, absolutely KNOWING, that he’d one day learn to write the letter "S" and he’d have no problems with it.  However, I couldn’t do it for him.  He had to figure it out on his own, through practice, through trial and error.  I could show him the basic mechanics of what an “S” looked like, how to hold the pencil, etc., but I could not do it for him.  So maybe God can’t answer my prayer, maybe I have to do it on my own.  I’ve been taught the basic mechanics, but maybe overcoming this depression and feeling like a daughter of God has to be something I come to on my own.  Maybe God KNOWS I can do it and will do it, but I have to learn it on my own, just like Sam had to learn how to write his name on his own.  As I told my friend this and talked through this idea it has just felt right to me.  I felt such overwhelming emotion as I talked about this that I think maybe I’m on to something true here.  Maybe God is watching me, knowing without any doubt that I will make it through this and be glorious some day. And maybe it's just a matter of time before I know my real value and worth as a daughter of God.

This reminds me of a something Sue Bender wrote in “Everyday Sacred.”  She was talking about breaking bowls, purposefully breaking them and then gluing them back together.  She writes:

“In the past, no matter what I did or accomplished, I still felt like something was missing.  When I put the pieces of my cracked pot together, I saw that nothing was missing.  

Nothing.

I saw that I was WHOLE.

That same week a letter came from a woman who had spent years living with and writing about the Shakers.  In her letter I read, “The Latin root of the word ‘perfect’ means only ‘finished,’ not ‘without flaws.’”

We start out whole.  Complete.  Along the way, we may feel that something is wrong, or missing.  We aren’t the way we’d like to be or the way we think we should be.  A crossroads, a new stage in life, a turning point, a crisis, when we feel we may crack, or we do crack, can be a difficult, frightening time. 

And sometimes we deliberately crack our own bowl.

With time and great care and tender patience, we can reexamine the pieces, knowing that when we are ready, a solution will come.  We can glue the pieces back together.

This bowl looks far more interesting, more beautiful than before it broke.  The pieces are the same, but it’s a different bowl than when I started.”

Maybe for these last several years I’ve been going through the bowl cracking process.  I’ve been cracking, my life has been cracking.  And maybe, just maybe, I’m at the point of gluing the bowl back together.  And maybe God just has had to sit and watch me do this all, has had to let me do it myself.  

Now, to the second idea:  Maybe the purpose of life is to live purposefully.  Maybe it’s about making decisions on purpose—deciding how we are going to treat other people, other organisms, the planet; living each moment with purpose.  Purposefully picking up that piece of trash.  Purposefully putting the grocery cart back to the right spot.  Purposefully being kind to a stranger, to a friend, to our children, to our spouse.  Making a conscientious choice in what we do each and every day, each and every moment.  Maybe when we start living like that, we find purpose to our life.  

I feel good and excited about these ideas.  I feel like I may be onto something.  I realize I felt this way a couple of weeks ago with the idea that the purpose of life is relationships.  I felt really good for about 2 days, and then slumped back down.  But that’s okay.  I do think the purpose probably has something to do with relationships.  And living purposefully is also a part of it.  And cracking our bowls and gluing them back together is part of it too.  I feel like I’m gaining pieces of the answer to this quest I’m on.  I don’t have it all, yet, but maybe I have faith that someday I will figure it all out.  And finding these pieces and putting them together like a puzzle is giving me a feeling of empowerment.  It’s nice.  I don’t know how long it will last, but I’ll take it for now.  For now, it is enough.

Energy

Today, while talking with my therapist, I told her that I didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with some of the issues I'm working on.  She asked me an interesting question:  Do I not have the energy to change or to stay the same?  It's a good question.  I'm leaning towards the answer that I don't have the energy to stay the same, but I'm not totally sure about that.  I do know that I'm incredibly tired of the way my life is right now.  Hopefully I find the energy to change.

Being Empty

"Being empty is a beginning."

             --Sue Bender, Everyday Sacred

Power in Irritation

For my book group we read “Everyday Sacred” by Sue Bender.  I suggested it.  It’s been a while since I’ve read it, but it’s really good.  She talks about the begging bowl, about accepting whatever is put in our bowl for the day, about seeing the beauty in the ordinary.  I really like her analogies and ideas.  There was a time when I felt I could reach those goals.  Right now though, they feel out of reach.  I feel so empty that I can’t imagine how to find significance and meaning in my life.  I’ve been empty for so long.  I’m so weary of it. 

I've been back on Deplin for 2 weeks now.  I haven't felt any positive mood enhancement.  I still feel really down.  But I no longer have the headaches, although I have been a bit irritable.  I'm not sure if it's the Deplin or not; the irritability is more focused, rather than general irritability at everything.  I'm wanting to use that irritation to force me to speak my mind more often.  Over the last 5-10 years I've really become a quiet woman who rarely speaks out on my opinions.  I used to be much more vocal about my opinions, even opinionated.  But for some reason I started keeping things to myself.  Now I feel like I've just become spineless and I think I need to find my backbone again.  And I think feeling irritated might help in that.  Wish me luck.