A New Vocabulary

It’s 12:30 at night and I can’t sleep because I feel like I’m on the verge of understanding something important.  So I’ve decided to take time and write my thoughts down. 

It all started earlier tonight, as I was reading in bed.  I’m reading Sue Bender’s newest book called “Stretching Lessons.”  She’s the one who wrote “Everyday Sacred” and “Plain and Simple.”  She’s absolutely wonderful.  Her newest book is about learning to be bigger, to be our fullest selves, to give our soul wings.  She talks about how so much of her life has been spent struggling, that she was all about “hard work.”  I think that’s me, too.  So I’ve been thinking about the words I use when I think about me and my life.  Here they are: 

• Persistence
• Struggle
• Effort
• Working hard all the time
• Endure
• Test
• No pain, no gain

 I think about my depression in terms of how hard I’m struggling to overcome it.  And I’ve often written about how tired and weary I am.  Maybe it’s time to stop fighting.  I’m not really sure what that would look like, though.  As I was lying in bed tonight, with these thoughts churning through my mind, I had the image of my depression being a hard, thick shell, protecting me.  But protecting me from what?  I also had the distinct feeling of something inside of me softening.  And when I write that right now I am filled with emotion and I can’t really say why.  But it seems like I’m on the verge of something big and something important.  It’s like I’m in front of something big and true and life-changing, but I can’t quite bring myself to look directly at it, so that I only get sideways glimpses of it.  But I know it’s something really important for me.

“Perhaps within each of us there is a daring spirit that whispers to be heard.”  Sue writes.  She also writes “I wondered if I also believed I had to struggle in order to earn the right to be happy.”  Is that what I’m doing right now?  Am I struggling through this depression because a part of me believes I have to earn the right to be happy?  Is this me trying to earn that right?  As Sue wrote about herself, I find true of myself—I am struggling, longing for ease.  How can one be at ease if one is constantly struggling?  And she talks about finding a way to release herself from the struggle, noting that the word “release” has the word “ease” tucked in it.  

So my job now is to settle myself, to let go, to release whatever it is that I’m holding onto so tightly that I can’t breath anymore.  Funny how I used the word “job,” which is usually associated with “work.”  I need to find a new vocabulary.

Note:  my writing tools aren't responding well, so this doesn't look exactly like I want it to.  It's really been touchy lately and I hate it, it's quite difficult to write these posts.