A new leaf . . . ?

Every time I begin to feel a little bit better, get a little more energy, start to feel an inkling of motivation, I decide to turn over a new leaf. The problem is that the new leaf quickly turns into a forest. Here's my most recent forest I decided to turn over last night:

• daily exercise w/the dogs
• work 5 hours a day on my dissertation
• organize my office
• organize my children to daily and weekly chores
• start eating better
• read from scientific journal every day
• keep house cleaner
• have meals planned out for the entire week
  

and the list goes on. Once this happens, the depression starts creeping back in. It is a conundrum. I know I should just start little; the problem is that after lacking energy and enthusiasm for so long, a little bit makes me giddy and it's like I get drunk on just a little happiness. But then I end up with an emotional hangover. So what's a gal to do?

Christmas day

One of the difficulties I face with depression is how much "nothingness" can absorb my life. I find myself restless and wanting something, yet nothing is appealing. I start to think that I can't wait until bedtime, but then stop because all that really means is getting up again in the morning. After about 7 months of severe depression, it's really hard to remember what I enjoy and to figure out how to enjoy things again. But at least I get a few moments of respite now and then--like holding my nephews little 6 month old baby, or listening to my kids laughing. However, those moments don't last long and I'm back to feeling restless, bored or anxious. And I'm not exactly sure what I'm anxious for--to be alone? to be relaxed? to work on my dissertation? I don't know. But it's kind of like having restless leg syndrome for your whole body and 24 hrs a day. True, this is a step up from clinical depression; but I don't know what to do with myself and my thoughts. I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole blog thing. The perfectionist in me wants to do drafts and re-writes and make sure the writing is good; and to make sure I want to post what I write. But another part of me wants to just express myself without worry of judgement. Usually I end up with the worst of both sides--writing without edits and worrying about judgement. Maybe one day I'll find a better place.

Christmas ended up being nice. I do have good family, and I think I'd enjoy them more if I was a bit closer and could spend short periods of time with them sprinkled throughout my daily life. Instead, living in Washington with everyone basically in Utah and Southern Idaho, I get intense pulses of interaction with little time to relax and enjoy them. But my kids love being with the cousins and I know that it's really important to my mom that I'm here, especially since dad died. She even said as much and that pretty much guarantees we'll be back next year. Hopefully I'll be better practiced at happiness by that time.

Merry Christmas

"Why" on Holidays

Why do we do things that cause us stress? In particular, why do we repeatedly do things that cause us stress? In my case specifically, each Christmas Garret and I pack up the kids, the gifts, (this year the dogs) and spend 2 weeks in Utah and Idaho. Getting there is crazy--trying to remember to pack everything, a 12 hour drive, often in bad weather and horrible driving conditions, cranky children and parents. . .and staying is tiring as well. I feel obligated to spend time with family, which I like, except the kids want certain things and get bored and with aging grandparents there's a certain stress over making sure the kids aren't too rambuctuous (which ends in spending more time making sure the kids aren't bored rather than really enjoying the company of family). Also, one would think 2 weeks is a long time (it's only one week in Utah and one in Idaho), but with the holiday parties and last minute shopping, along with the need to visit my prof at BYU, there is little time to visit old friends, whom I dearly miss and would love to see. Put all of these things together along with the obligatory holiday stress and my "holiday vacation" ends up causing me all kinds of stress and misery. So why do I put myself through it year after year?

My real desire is to stay home for the holidays. Oh, that sounds so lovely! We were home for Thanksgiving and didn't have friends or family over and we had such a nice break as a family. But the kids really want to see cousins; however, the girls love my mom's because as the only grand-daughters they get all sorts of attention. It took Sam all of 1 hour after being here to say he was bored. Sam loves his cousins in Idaho--3 acres of land, snow machines, 4-wheelers, sledding, 4 boys. . .you get the picture. I love going to Idaho too, because we stay at Darci's. That part of the vacation is very nice for me, but the girls need more attention. I just can't win. So when do I say "enough of this, we're staying home because this is what will be best for me."? Why is it so hard to do what is best for me?

Happy Holidays

First time

So, I've decided to try my hand at blogging. For now, I'm going to spend some time learning how to spiff up my page. But ultimately this is a blog in which I plan on doing what most bloggers do: write my musings on life. This last year and a half has been really rough--I lost my father in October 2009, I'm struggling with finishing my PhD, and we had a move that I really didn't expect nor want. Needless to say, as a person already pre-disposed to depression, I've been in a very dark place for a very long time. But now, I'm relearning happiness; trying to remember who I am when I'm not depressed; trying to relearn how to respond to every day situations. It's a journey I'm glad to be making, but one that is filled with some confusion and frustration. So, join me in this journey, if you will. Share your ideas and musings and maybe we'll learn a bit together.