Christmas day

One of the difficulties I face with depression is how much "nothingness" can absorb my life. I find myself restless and wanting something, yet nothing is appealing. I start to think that I can't wait until bedtime, but then stop because all that really means is getting up again in the morning. After about 7 months of severe depression, it's really hard to remember what I enjoy and to figure out how to enjoy things again. But at least I get a few moments of respite now and then--like holding my nephews little 6 month old baby, or listening to my kids laughing. However, those moments don't last long and I'm back to feeling restless, bored or anxious. And I'm not exactly sure what I'm anxious for--to be alone? to be relaxed? to work on my dissertation? I don't know. But it's kind of like having restless leg syndrome for your whole body and 24 hrs a day. True, this is a step up from clinical depression; but I don't know what to do with myself and my thoughts. I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole blog thing. The perfectionist in me wants to do drafts and re-writes and make sure the writing is good; and to make sure I want to post what I write. But another part of me wants to just express myself without worry of judgement. Usually I end up with the worst of both sides--writing without edits and worrying about judgement. Maybe one day I'll find a better place.

Christmas ended up being nice. I do have good family, and I think I'd enjoy them more if I was a bit closer and could spend short periods of time with them sprinkled throughout my daily life. Instead, living in Washington with everyone basically in Utah and Southern Idaho, I get intense pulses of interaction with little time to relax and enjoy them. But my kids love being with the cousins and I know that it's really important to my mom that I'm here, especially since dad died. She even said as much and that pretty much guarantees we'll be back next year. Hopefully I'll be better practiced at happiness by that time.

Merry Christmas