Emotional Quadriplegia

Sometimes I think it would be helpful if there was an obvious physical disability that was associated with depression, such as being quadriplegic. That way others, myself included, could be duly impressed when I did things such as get myself out of bed in the mornings, make dinner for the family, read with the kids, help out in the kids' classrooms, or work 1-2 hours on my dissertation. If you saw a quadriplegic doing a bunch of these activities, you'd be amazed at the level of activity, especially given the level of disability. Being depressed can be like being an emotional quadriplegic, at least in it's severest forms. Sometimes I have to remind myself of how amazing my activity level is. This weekend I actually made two meals for my family, got dressed up and went to church and stayed the entire time when all I could think about was how nothing in life seems valuable or worthwhile--not even death.

I hate feeling this way, it's worse than feeling like sleeping all the time, for at least there is the desire for something, even if it is just sleep. As it is, sleep isn't all that desirable, nor is escaping in books or movies. All there is is a grand nothingness that is hard to fight. Fighting is almost impossible because there is no desire, so what is worth fighting for? And tomorrow I need to get the kids off to school and then what? Well, I'll just have to wait and find out what this emotional cripple can accomplish tomorrow.