Albatross

This morning as I was lying in bed trying to decide why I should get up, I had an epiphany. I had to get out of bed this morning because the dogs needed to be let out. Other mornings I get out of bed because I need to get the kids to school. I think that when I'm depressed I only do things if it's going to affect other people, when others are depending on me for something. For example, I prepare for my teaching because the students have paid tuition and deserve my best effort. Yesterday I gave a seminar that I spent many hours preparing for because the faculty who asked me to come in was expecting it. When I teach in Relief Society, I prepare for it because the Presidency is depending on me to do it and the women there deserve my attention to the lesson. I suppose in those last examples there's an element of personal pride (or fear of making a fool of myself by being unprepared), but I'm very conscious of what I "owe" the other people or what is expected of me.

So, my question is, what do I do for myself? During a depressive episode, I don't think there is much I do just for me. I think that is why I'm struggling with getting my dissertation done. Finishing my degree feels like something personal, I don't owe anyone anything, no one is really depending on me finishing my degree, so it feels impossible to do. Now, if my family was depending on me finishing my PhD so I could get a decent job and feed them, it'd be a totally different ball game. Right now, the only thing I can think of that I do totally because I want to do it, is Tae Kwon Do. And I find myself sometimes struggling with making the effort to get there 2-3 times a week. But I do because I love doing it and I love the focus it gives me for an hour at a time.

I really wish I could find some reason to get my dissertation finished. This has become an albatross hanging around my neck. At an earlier point, working on my degree was like watching the albatross flying free--it was a joy. But not now. What happened? I don't know if I need to just find some reason why I need to finish that is outside of myself, so I can get it done just like I make myself get out of bed every morning, or if I need to find the personal joy in it again. I'm not sure I can find the joy in it right now. There are so many road blocks and I'm so tired of falling down and dragging myself back up again. But in this state of mind/being I think I do need an external motivation; yet I have no idea where to find it. It's not enough that not finishing is adding to my depression--my own emotional needs are not reason enough when I feel like this.

But realizing all of this has been important for me. It's important as I learn more about what motivates me, what keeps me going when I'm so damned depressed, what I need to find for finishing my degree. This feels like a big life lesson learned.