Perpetually Positive People

I had no idea how depressing my blog seems. Here I was, thinking I was making great progress in being happy/upbeat/positive about my life and then I went and read several blogs from other people--happy people, apparently. Boy, my blog sure seems glum to some of these other blogs. It was depressing to read such positive things from people who have amazing struggles to overcome! Imagine that, being discouraged over positive people! Well, I am trying. And despite how depressing my blog sounds, I am making progress. I probably will just never be one of those perpetually positive people. Sigh.

Two Helpful Things

So I was pretty discouraged when I wrote my last post. It's been several hours and I'm not feeling as down. Once again, one thing I find really helpful is my Tae Kwon Do class. The focus on my body and the forms I'm trying to learn and remember is very calming for me. I still feel deeply saddened and worried for my nephew and sister, but my outlook on life isn't so bleak. As far as my question goes, I'm still not sure all the pain is worth it, but what else is there? My options are limited, either live or die. And since dying is quite permanent I'm not willing to commit to that. So, I'm left with living. With that option one can choose to live well or live poorly. I'd rather live well, or at least as best I can at the moment. But I have yet to find out if I'm living well.

There is another thing I find really helpful--books, or stories. For some reason it's easier to get lost in the troubles on a page than it is in real life. I think it's because a good storyteller gets me to invest my emotions and energy into characters, but the disasters/problems/plot is ultimately resolved by the end of the book. Whereas in life, we aren't so lucky. We have to live it before we find out the ending. I hate that. I guess that's where faith comes in--believing that things will end well, even though everything seems disastrous at the moment. So, I have to ask myself "do I have enough faith to live and live well?" There's only one way to find out.

Personal Disasters

I find it really difficult to feel like life is worth living when I hear about the horrible things people have to deal with. Generally life goes on without major troubles, but then disaster strikes. I'm not talking about the earthquake, tsunami and such in Japan; although that is a terrible, terrible situation. But the things I fear are the personal disasters, the troubles we find ourselves in due to bad decisions, other peoples bad decisions, and just the basic shit that comes with being alive.

Thanks to anti-depression medication I have my depression under a modicum of control, but I just found out that my nephew is in a lot of trouble with the law as well as having his girlfriend die in his home, while they were both taking a Sunday afternoon nap. Granted, the two of them have made some lousy decisions in their lives, but still, my heart aches for him, for my sister, for his girlfriend's loved ones. I can't help but wonder if life is good enough to warrant going through such difficult times. My other sister lost her only child to a freak caving accident several years ago and now this sister has some horrible days/weeks/months ahead of her. When I think about all of the suffering in the world I get overwhelmed. I hate feeling this way about life, but I'm at a lost as to how to feel differently.

Wisdom is a Tree

I just finished the book "These is my words: the diary of Sarah Agnes Prine 1881-1901" by Nancy E. Turner. It was really good and I loved the main character, Sarah. She has a passion for learning that she describes as a greedy feeling. I relate to that. There's a quote I want to share:

". . . wisdom is not a path, it is a tree. . . I have been sad almost a whole year, thinking that taking that test was somehow the end of my learning and that not having that as a possibility in my future left a big empty spot in my life that the children and the ranch didn't fill. But my life is not like that, it is a tree, and I can stay in one place and spread out in all directions, and I can do more learning shading this brood of mine than if I was all alone. I declare, it is like some other part of me made up some rules about happiness and I just went a long with them without thinking. My heart is lightened so much that I am amazed at how sad I felt for so long."

This is similar to my struggles--I have been on a path to get my PhD, and every little detour has made me feel like I was getting farther from my destination, farther from that possibility. And I have had a big empty place in my life that my children, husband, and domestic life doesn't fill. I'm trying now to stay in one place, a place different from where I want to be, a place farther from the path of academia, and spread out in all directions. I haven't reached the point where I feel like I can do this better with my brood than if I was all alone, but I do know I have made up some rules about happiness that I've believed and gone along with them without really thinking. It's time to question the rules of happiness that I've made up and see if I can lighten my heart.

In a way, the direction my life has taken is requiring me to think outside the academic box. That is really hard for someone who grew up in an academic household and believed that was exactly how everyone else lived. Being on some university campus is as natural as breathing. I've worn these ideas for so long that it feels just like part of my own skin and now I'm trying to shed that skin but have no one to teach me how to do it. Maybe it's more like being a caterpillar and when the time is right I'll know how to spin my chrysalis. I would like to believe there is a butterfly inside of me, one that is independent of any university or institution. Maybe I just need to be patient and hopeful and try putting down some roots in this desert that is now my home.

Floodgates

Wow, it's been a very emotional weekend/new week for me. The floodgates have been open and I've spewed forth more tears than I knew I had in me. And this is all after an incredibly good therapy session that left me feeling more centered than I had felt in a long, long, time. So where did all this pain and sorrow and suffering come from? I have no idea. Maybe I finally got to a place where I really acknowledged how I've been feeling--acknowledged it from my emotional center rather than from my intellect. It's a bit frightening, yet strangely cathartic.

It all started out as feeling weepy. I would start crying a little at every sad story I heard, sad song, or basically anyone who mentioned every feeling sad at any time in their life. Usually I'm quite in control of my emotions--a fact my therapist can attest to. But this weekend I kept finding myself tearing up at the least little thing. Then yesterday it hit me and now it's been 2 days of uncontrollable sobbing. I had no idea what was going on with me. I thought perhaps it was time to be put away or something. But, I must say that I feel really good right now. Emotionally I have no idea where I'm at or where I may be going, but I am feeling quite refreshed. I had no idea crying could feel so good! Although I am not comfortable enough with crying to say it will be a common occurrence--old habits die hard and I still like being in control. :)

Hard to Understand

Some things I don't understand:

How happiness can be so fleeting while melancholy can drag on seemingly forever.

How my child's anxiety worries me more than my own anxiety.

How physical experiences can seem to overshadow spiritual ones.

Why depression is so easy and happiness is so hard.

How a place that claims to have over 300 days of sunshine a year has had so many cloudy days this year.

Why life is so confusing.