I'm sitting here struggling with trying to figure out what I'm feeling and what to write. I should be working on the dissertation, but, c'est la vie. I am beginning to have days where I fall in and out of confidence. It's a very tiring way to live, but at least I am having moments of feeling confident. However, I'm realizing that I can only sustain those positive emotions for several hours, then I'm back to feeling like my life is useless. Like I said, it's not necessarily a bad thing, it just leaves me feeling confused. It feels like I'm in a car that's stuttering around--one moment it runs smoothly, the next it chokes or stalls out.
What is most interesting about this to me is that when I'm feeling good, I really believe any positive self-talk I present to myself. But when I'm feeling bad, I cannot believe the positive ideas or phrases and only the negative one feel real. This is quite a quandary to be in because I have yet to be able to identify any causal relationship between my moods, up or down, and I'm left feeling out of control of my emotional state of mind. It's not like I can say to myself "just whistle a happy tune and you'll feel good" or "think happy thoughts." My mood and my thoughts seem to be intertwined and I can't find where one begins and one ends. When I'm feeling okay I can believe that I am enough, just as is. But when I slip down then that thought seems like a cruel joke. It's all rather frustrating.
No comments:
Post a Comment