Gum in my Hair

I have been trying to be more aware of my moods, feelings and any thoughts or events associated with them.  One thing I'm aware of is that my unhappy or anxious moods tend to come with sticky thoughts.  What I mean by this is that any negative or depressing feelings seem to stick themselves to all activities and events in my life.  Once I'm feeling anxious or depressed about one thing, it all spills over into other parts of my life.  It's kind of like getting gum stuck in your hair:  the harder you try to pull it out, the more hair gets tangled in it.  I'm not sure why that doesn't happen on the other end of the spectrum.  A good or positive feeling seems to be more ephemeral and fleeting. Whereas whenever I come across a more negative thought, it starts sticking itself onto multiple parts of my life and I can't seem to contain those more anxious and darker feelings.

Unfortunately being aware of this phenomenon doesn't seem to make my thoughts less sticky.  But maybe I'll learn to take these feelings less seriously; maybe being aware will help me get the scissors out sooner rather than later.  If I can just get the scissors out and excise the gum instead of getting the gum all over, maybe my depression will lose some of its steam and not last quite as long.

Today while I was trying to work on my dissertation I was hit with the thought that I don't want to do research and I'm not sure I want to teach.  The latter part of that thought makes me uncomfortable because teaching was the one thing I was sure I wanted to do.  But I'm not so sure now.  Somewhere along this journey I've lost my confidence and I'm not sure how to find it.  Maybe this is true for most people who work on a PhD.  Maybe most people feel like quitting at some point or another.  Maybe they all feel like frauds sometimes.  I don't know.  With the debt I've acquired, I better like teaching or research, because I'll have to get a job to pay off the loans I've taken out.  I can't afford not to work when I'm done.  But I think what I need is a class that I can truly call my own.  I'm teaching Ecosystems Ecology this semester, but I'm borrowing a lot from others and parts of my lectures/assignments don't feel like my own.  It's like I'm teaching from another persons syllabus.  Of course I've done this because I'm also trying to finish my dissertation and I don't have the time to do more than that.  I guess that's okay, but I feel like I'm not in complete ownership of the course.

So, I've gained an insight into my feelings and moods, but where does that leave me?  I either need to stop sleeping with gum in my mouth, or keep a pair of scissors handy.  Too bad I don't seem to know when to throw out my gum.