The Journey of Hanging On

Big sigh.  I am not doing so hot.  I have just been sinking back into a deep depression and it takes everything in me to get out of bed each day.  I'm exhausted after getting out of bed.  Exhausted and unhappy and frustrated.  I have started my new "mood stabilizing" drug, but it will be about 3 weeks before I even hit the therapeutic dose, let alone find out if it works for me or not.  I'm not sure i can take another 3 weeks of this. 

I'm at a loss as far as what to write.  I don't want this to be just another blog of emotional vomit.  However, it just may end up being that very thing.  To get an idea of how low I am, usually my work can keep me somewhat distracted and I can pass some time getting my lectures ready, etc.  But this week I didn't even finish my lecture and went and presented a half baked lesson.  I'm actually appalled at myself, I've never been so blatantly unprepared before, in my entire life.  And the scary thing is, I'm not sure I really care.  Another example--I was supposed to teach in church, but called in on Saturday late afternoon and said I couldn't do it.  The truth is, I couldn't handle it, teaching about the post-mortal world.  I'm not sure why and I'm not sure I want to know why (which in and of itself is very strange, usually I do want to know the "whys" of my feeling and actions), but I just couldn't do it.  My friend who's in charge of the group of teachers was very gracious and generous in taking my lesson for me, but again, this just illustrates how bad things have gotten.  Trust me, when it's bad enough that I can't/won't teach, it's really bad.  The only thing that could make it worse is if I got to the point where I couldn't take care of my kids.  So far, I've only ever been there about 3 days in my entire life, and it scared the hell out of me.  And that happened just before our move to the Tri-Cities.

Well, there's not a lot more to say, it's just me, trying to hang on.  I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom about my journey, or even some way of telling this part of the journey in a more interesting way.  But I don't have the luxury of writing up my life as a good book.  The bulk of my life is just the same old boring stuff; the same old depressing stuff.  Maybe my next entry will be better.

Jumping the Gun

Well, whoever said hope springs eternal obviously never suffered from depression!  The medication that I was so excited about gave me a rash and a rash from this particular medicine is a big problem.  I have had to stop the medicine and wait for it to clear my system and then on to the next trial of medication.  I was so anxious to get some relief that I jumped the gun a bit.  Overconfidence can be as bad as a lack of confidence.  Blech.  I know I should try and maintain some hope.  But.  I just have to hang in there for a little longer. . .

Labels 2 (or: Medicated and Motivated)

So I told my mom about my new diagnosis and it was really hard on her.  I can't imagine why, I'm still me and have the same issues to deal with, only I've been given a new set of tools to work with and feel pretty hopeful.  So why do some labels put people off?  This is a rhetorical question, because I sort of know the answer. 

I gave a seminar once, on ecofeminism, at BYU (of all places).  Biology students, and some Range and Wildlife folks, made up the main audience.  I started out talking about labels--how we tend to make inferences about people based on certain labels they, or we, assume they wear.  When you ask people if they want clean air, clean water, and a better place for their children, most people say "yes." But if you ask them if they're an environmentalist, most people say "no," and some quite emphatically.  If you ask them if men and women are equal, they'll agree, but few will consider themselves feminists. So the weakness is that usually it's the extremes that are associated with labels.  Feminists are not viewed as simply interested in fair treatment for women, but are considered "feminazis" by those who fear the label of feminist. 

Back to my own new label as "bipolar II."  Doctors have given even the term bipolar an added adjective of 2 or soft.  That's because most people associate extreme behavior with bipolar disorders.  I feel quite confident that my behavior is far from extreme, but I also feel quite confident that bipolar II is a good fit for my situation/condition.  Now honestly, when I the doctor first suggested this, I inwardly balked at the idea.  But the more I read about it, the more I came to agree with the doctor.  In the book by Phelps that I mentioned in my previous post, Phelps even went so far as to say that one should be careful and use judgement when telling other people you have bipolar II disorder.  So here I am putting it out to anyone who cares to read my blog that I'm bipolar.  I'm bipolar and I'm okay with it.  Like I said, I haven't changed at all; my condition hasn't changed; but my treatment has (and with some long awaited results). 

I wonder why my mother was so upset.  Is the stigma too much for her?  I told her how much better I'm doing on the change in medication, shouldn't that be cause for relief and possibly celebration?  Maybe she fears the stigma, fears being the mother of 2 children who are bipolar and the stigma that might accompany that.  I don't know.  It doesn't surprise me, she's never been one who handles crises well, as if this is a crisis.  Her reaction was similar to how she reacts to a crisis--it's horrible, life is so miserable, she can't handle how difficult it all is.  My mom doesn't like to deal with life.  But she's been depressed most of her life, so I can't really blame her.  Maybe she's bipolar II as well.  However, any diagnosis will never matter to her, she won't, or can't, take care of herself that way.  Once, myself and both of my sisters were taking anti-depressants and my mom really needed to get some sort of relief for her depression.  But when I suggested she get some medication her response was, honest to God, "we can't all be on anti-depressants!"  I was floored.  She definitely has the martyr syndrome down to a tee.  So my mom will always sacrifice her own well-being, even when no one wants her to. Instead of truly sacrificing, and making sacred as the root of the term means, she instead falsely sacrifices and it ends up being waste instead.  It's like the difference between sacrificing an animal's life, so that you may live, or slaughtering animals for a trophy, which is purely a waste of the animal's life. 

My mom may just get more depressed with the news I gave her.  If I were her, I'd be asking myself "could that be my condition as well?"  I would be hopeful for my daughters.  I would be grateful that our understanding of brain chemistry, as limited as it is, is better than it's been ever before, with more options for mood disorders.  I would be hopeful that a treatment could be found that would allow my daughters to live free from debilitating depression.  If I were her, I wouldn't be so scared.  I guess in truth, these reactions are my new feelings about having a new label to wear.  I am hopeful, grateful, and I'm no longer so scared.  Just a couple of weeks ago I was scared that I'd never find a way out of the darkness of depression.  And now, armed with a new label and new medication, I'm not so scared.  To quote an Anne Taintor magnet, "I'm medicated and motivated!"  (see Anne Taintor products and enjoy her humor at http://annetaintor.com/products.html). 

Light Therapy

A CAVEAT:  I am not a medical expert or professional in any way when it comes to the use of light therapy.  I do not suggest that the way I am using my light is the proper way.  So don't blame me if it doesn't work or something goes wrong.  Do your own research and talk to your own doctor or therapist about light therapy. 

A friend commented on my last blog entrance and asked me about my mood lamp.  I think I should call it by it's proper name--it's really light therapy.  There are a ton of websites about light therapy as a practice and also units for sale.  But basically the idea behind light therapy is that as day length shortens, some people are more sensitive to the lack of natural light, which can add to depression.  With light therapy you use a lamp that is a full spectrum lamp and give yourself short doses of extra "daylight." 

The way I've been told to use light therapy is to use it in the morning for about 10 minutes a day, working up to between 15 and 20 minutes a day.  As I understand it, you don't need more.  It's best to use it in the morning because it affects your biorhythms and can throw off your sleep patterns if used at night.  And you can't close your eyes during the time you use the light lamp (which is unfortunate because I always fight to stay awake while I'm using it!).  It should be kept at a distance about equal to where your computer screen is.  In fact, using it while on the computer in the morning would be a good time.  However, kids should not sit under the light with you. 

I got my light from Costco, it's called "go LITE" by Philips, but you can find it on Amazon and other places if you just do a search for it.  It costs a little over $100, but I've had mine for several years and it is still going strong.  Light therapy is an easy thing and has very little, if any, negative side effects.  But like I said at the first of this blog, I do not promote my own information and experience with light therapy as the proper way of doing things.  I will not be responsible for someone else's choice.  (Do I sound paranoid?  I just don't want the responsibility of telling a person how to use light therapy).

NOS (Not Otherwise Specified)

I have actually felt good for the last couple of days.  This is highly unusual for me, but it's quite nice.  So my new diagnosis is Bipolar II--NOS, which is to say I have a not otherwise specified form of bipolar II.  According to Wikipedia, "Bipolar disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified) is a diagnosis for bipolar disorder (BD) when it does not fall within the other established sub-types^[1] Sub-types of bipolar are part of the bipolar spectrum."  Bipolar II disorder is a "softer" type of bipolar disorder.  In other words you don't cycle between extreme mania and depression.  Often you cycle between depression and hypomania, but you don't have to have a lot of cycling between the two to be considered bipolar.  Apparently you may have as few as 1 hypomanic episode and several depressive episodes to count as bipolar II or soft bipolar.  There's a really good book I read called "Why Am I Still Depressed? Recognizing and Managing the Ups and Downs of Bipolar II and Soft Bipolar Disorder" by Jim Phelps, MD.  He also has a great website at http://www.psycheducation.org/ in which he defines writes:  "Bipolar II is a version of Bipolar Disorder: depression is obvious but mild phases of high energy ("hypomania"), which can just look like anxiety and insomnia, are also present.  This doesn't look at all like "manic-depression", just big mood and energy swings. But Bipolar II can be as severe as other forms of Bipolar Disorder, maybe even more prone to suicide. Bipolar II is an "official" diagnosis in the Bipolar Disorders group." 

When I first talked to my psychiatrist about this (last entry I had about labels) my reaction to the idea was that it couldn't be right, because I never feel that hypomania.  However, after studying it for 2 weeks I'm beginning to realize that this diagnosis feels correct and plausible.  The best thing is that normal anti-depressants only are effective if you have uni-polar depression, but are ineffective for bipolar disorders.  In fact, one of the symptoms that led my doctor to diagnose me as such was that I've been on many different types of anti-depressants with little to moderate effectiveness.  Now I've been put on a medication specifically for bipolar II and I'm really hopeful.  I don't think my mood improvement has to do with starting the medication because you have to be titrated onto the medicine and I'm at a very low dose right now.  However, I wonder if I'm feeling so good because I finally have some hope.  I am not looking forward to having 6 weeks of medicine titration before I can find out if it will work.  But.  At least I have a timeline with my depression.  I've been so severely depressed for the last 2 years that I'm really ready to be done.  One way or another.

My symptoms, which by themselves are not singularly symptoms of "bipolarness," taken together are all part of the signs and symptoms that paint a bipolar II.  Some of these symptoms include:

• Multiple major depressive periods (I've had at least five in the last 25 years)
• Depression starting when I was in my teens
• Multiple anti-depressants not working or working for a short period of time
• Having a first order family member diagnosed with bipolar II (my sister has been diagnosed)  

These last couple of weeks have been very informative for me.  Plus I've started making some changes in my lifestyle.  Dr. Phelps writes about trying to find treatments with high success rates and low side-effects rates.  4 things he mentions are exercise, fish oil, light therapy, and plain old therapy.  I have been in therapy and continue to do so, but now I've started walking about 20 minutes every day, taking fish oil pills, and trying to use my mood light as often as I can.  This is the first time that I've read about exercise and am actually motivated to do it!  It's a huge accomplishment.  I don't know if these things have attributed to my better mood, we'll see how long it lasts.  But like I said earlier, I am hopeful.  And hope may be the best medicine yet.