Big sigh. I am not doing so hot. I have just been sinking back into a deep depression and it takes everything in me to get out of bed each day. I'm exhausted after getting out of bed. Exhausted and unhappy and frustrated. I have started my new "mood stabilizing" drug, but it will be about 3 weeks before I even hit the therapeutic dose, let alone find out if it works for me or not. I'm not sure i can take another 3 weeks of this.
I'm at a loss as far as what to write. I don't want this to be just another blog of emotional vomit. However, it just may end up being that very thing. To get an idea of how low I am, usually my work can keep me somewhat distracted and I can pass some time getting my lectures ready, etc. But this week I didn't even finish my lecture and went and presented a half baked lesson. I'm actually appalled at myself, I've never been so blatantly unprepared before, in my entire life. And the scary thing is, I'm not sure I really care. Another example--I was supposed to teach in church, but called in on Saturday late afternoon and said I couldn't do it. The truth is, I couldn't handle it, teaching about the post-mortal world. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure I want to know why (which in and of itself is very strange, usually I do want to know the "whys" of my feeling and actions), but I just couldn't do it. My friend who's in charge of the group of teachers was very gracious and generous in taking my lesson for me, but again, this just illustrates how bad things have gotten. Trust me, when it's bad enough that I can't/won't teach, it's really bad. The only thing that could make it worse is if I got to the point where I couldn't take care of my kids. So far, I've only ever been there about 3 days in my entire life, and it scared the hell out of me. And that happened just before our move to the Tri-Cities.
Well, there's not a lot more to say, it's just me, trying to hang on. I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom about my journey, or even some way of telling this part of the journey in a more interesting way. But I don't have the luxury of writing up my life as a good book. The bulk of my life is just the same old boring stuff; the same old depressing stuff. Maybe my next entry will be better.
I'm at a loss as far as what to write. I don't want this to be just another blog of emotional vomit. However, it just may end up being that very thing. To get an idea of how low I am, usually my work can keep me somewhat distracted and I can pass some time getting my lectures ready, etc. But this week I didn't even finish my lecture and went and presented a half baked lesson. I'm actually appalled at myself, I've never been so blatantly unprepared before, in my entire life. And the scary thing is, I'm not sure I really care. Another example--I was supposed to teach in church, but called in on Saturday late afternoon and said I couldn't do it. The truth is, I couldn't handle it, teaching about the post-mortal world. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure I want to know why (which in and of itself is very strange, usually I do want to know the "whys" of my feeling and actions), but I just couldn't do it. My friend who's in charge of the group of teachers was very gracious and generous in taking my lesson for me, but again, this just illustrates how bad things have gotten. Trust me, when it's bad enough that I can't/won't teach, it's really bad. The only thing that could make it worse is if I got to the point where I couldn't take care of my kids. So far, I've only ever been there about 3 days in my entire life, and it scared the hell out of me. And that happened just before our move to the Tri-Cities.
Well, there's not a lot more to say, it's just me, trying to hang on. I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom about my journey, or even some way of telling this part of the journey in a more interesting way. But I don't have the luxury of writing up my life as a good book. The bulk of my life is just the same old boring stuff; the same old depressing stuff. Maybe my next entry will be better.
No comments:
Post a Comment