Over the last 3 days I have started a therapeutic dose of my new medication. I know it's too early to tell if there will be any change, but I'm anxiously waiting. The thing is, I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'll experience more energy, maybe the ability to focus more, and could I possibly hope for feeling more happy? I'm still very confused about what causes happiness. I know it's not situations or anything external, because if it was I would be happy right now and I know of too many stories of people who have found peace in extremely horrible external conditions. Of course, peace and happiness are two different things, but they're sort of related. I would settle for either one.
When I stop and think about it I realize that I am not sure what I want or expect from my life without depression. And I am afraid to hope for a life without it. But what does a life without depression look like, what do I want out of my life without depression? For starters, I want more energy. I want satisfaction in the activities I participate in. It would also be nice to be able to do everyday activities (taking care of the house and yard) without a struggle. For example, doing the dishes or taking out the garbage without requiring a huge amount of effort and internal debate. I would like to be able to enjoy my children. It would be nice if the energy required for relationships just flowed out of me rather than having to be squeezed out of me every time. I would like to feel desire and energy to finish my PhD. I'd like to laugh more. It would be good to get a bit of my self-confidence back. And honestly, I'd like to feel happy more often than not. I would like to know what normal feels like for normal people. Anyone have any suggestions?
When I stop and think about it I realize that I am not sure what I want or expect from my life without depression. And I am afraid to hope for a life without it. But what does a life without depression look like, what do I want out of my life without depression? For starters, I want more energy. I want satisfaction in the activities I participate in. It would also be nice to be able to do everyday activities (taking care of the house and yard) without a struggle. For example, doing the dishes or taking out the garbage without requiring a huge amount of effort and internal debate. I would like to be able to enjoy my children. It would be nice if the energy required for relationships just flowed out of me rather than having to be squeezed out of me every time. I would like to feel desire and energy to finish my PhD. I'd like to laugh more. It would be good to get a bit of my self-confidence back. And honestly, I'd like to feel happy more often than not. I would like to know what normal feels like for normal people. Anyone have any suggestions?
2 comments:
No suggestions, but I do believe you have succinctly expressed the experience of chronic depression. Lord, how I would love to make every person who repeats the "happiness is a choice" nonsense understand that it isn't- at least, not for everyone.
Not trying to dampen your view of life without depression, but it I still find it a struggle and a huge effort to do the dishes and clean the house. Although I am no longer depressed, certain chores are still chores.
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