I am going on my 3rd week of being on a therapeutic dose of lithium. I've had a week of feeling better and 4 days now of actually feeling good. However, I'm tired tonight and a small voice inside of me is saying that I'm getting depressed again; this is because so much of my depression was tied to exhaustion, so I don't know how to feel tired but still feel fine or good. I'm trying hard to just be tired and not over-analyze everything.
Today I found out that my nephew, who is only 10 years younger than me, is going into rehab for drug use. He's married to this wonderful woman and has 4 darling children and I ache for him and his family. This makes me wonder about the different problems we have to face. There was a time. not so long ago, that I wanted to trade someone problems, just to be finished with the depression. But I think about the extreme difficulties dealing with addictions and I'll stay with my depression, thank you very much.
The amount of human suffering in the world is unimaginable. When I stop and think about all the people, each with their own set of circumstances, each with their own grief, I feel guilty about my own depression because it's not caused by horrible circumstances or really bad choices made by myself or someone else. It seems to be just mindless suffering, without a strong cause and without a real reason. Anyway, I'm grateful I'm at least at a point right now where I can feel sorrow for someone else's problems. A few months ago I couldn't have felt this overwhelming sadness for someone else because all I could feel was sadness in general.
So I'm almost 5 days into feeling much better and I'm not sure where to go with my thoughts and with blogging. How does one relearn happiness if happiness (or at least lack of depression) seems to come in the form of a pill? I struggle with this a lot--what is contentment, or happiness, or feeling good, for me, if the majority of it all seems to be a question of biochemistry? I guess if that's truly how I feel, however, I've been wasting a lot of time and money in therapy. And I don't think that's been a waste. But I just don't know where the intersection between biochemistry and choice or behavior is. Feeling good is as confusing as feeling bad! Maybe it's just me and my tendency to over-analyze everything. But it will be interesting to get reacquainted with myself in my non-depressed state. It's been a long time and I don't remember her all that well. I hope I like her.
As I read over this it feel disjointed and lacking in a clear theme. But maybe it's the case where the form is a manifestation of the theme. My confusion and concern about feeling good is close to the surface for me, so I guess it's okay to have a blog that is confusing as a representation of what I'm going through. The confusion is real, but it's good. I like having these new questions to deal with. Let's just wait and see how long this can keep going.
Today I found out that my nephew, who is only 10 years younger than me, is going into rehab for drug use. He's married to this wonderful woman and has 4 darling children and I ache for him and his family. This makes me wonder about the different problems we have to face. There was a time. not so long ago, that I wanted to trade someone problems, just to be finished with the depression. But I think about the extreme difficulties dealing with addictions and I'll stay with my depression, thank you very much.
The amount of human suffering in the world is unimaginable. When I stop and think about all the people, each with their own set of circumstances, each with their own grief, I feel guilty about my own depression because it's not caused by horrible circumstances or really bad choices made by myself or someone else. It seems to be just mindless suffering, without a strong cause and without a real reason. Anyway, I'm grateful I'm at least at a point right now where I can feel sorrow for someone else's problems. A few months ago I couldn't have felt this overwhelming sadness for someone else because all I could feel was sadness in general.
So I'm almost 5 days into feeling much better and I'm not sure where to go with my thoughts and with blogging. How does one relearn happiness if happiness (or at least lack of depression) seems to come in the form of a pill? I struggle with this a lot--what is contentment, or happiness, or feeling good, for me, if the majority of it all seems to be a question of biochemistry? I guess if that's truly how I feel, however, I've been wasting a lot of time and money in therapy. And I don't think that's been a waste. But I just don't know where the intersection between biochemistry and choice or behavior is. Feeling good is as confusing as feeling bad! Maybe it's just me and my tendency to over-analyze everything. But it will be interesting to get reacquainted with myself in my non-depressed state. It's been a long time and I don't remember her all that well. I hope I like her.
As I read over this it feel disjointed and lacking in a clear theme. But maybe it's the case where the form is a manifestation of the theme. My confusion and concern about feeling good is close to the surface for me, so I guess it's okay to have a blog that is confusing as a representation of what I'm going through. The confusion is real, but it's good. I like having these new questions to deal with. Let's just wait and see how long this can keep going.
1 comment:
Is your nephew genetically related to you? There is a strong correlation between depression/mental health problems and self-medication/substance abuse. I've already started discussing with my kids the possibility that they will have mental health problems due to genetics, and what they can do about it.
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