Numb is Better

It's been exactly 2 years since I started blogging.  Maybe now is a good time to reflect on the journey.  I look at myself and think "I have all the signs of being depressed, but I don't feel depressed."  I go back to bed every morning after the kids are off to school; I'm avoiding working on my dissertation; nothing in my life seems to bring me satisfaction, even reading, or watching movies; my relationships are strained; if this was being described by someone else, I'd definitely called it depressed.  However, I'm not in the "pit of despair" (don't even think about trying to escape) and that was my last run-in with depression, so this doesn't seem so bad.  But I think it's time I stop and recognize what's going on.  No one deserves to live with depression, regardless of the intensity of it.  Just because this is milder than before, I still deserve to feel better.  But I'm having a hard time admitting that I have a problem, because the pain isn't expressed in the same way.  Basically right now I'm just numb; but numb is better than being in both physical and mental pain.

So now the question is what to do?  Do I fiddle with medications, try light therapy (which I just can't seem to do, sleep is so much easier), try meditation and yoga, read self-help books and continue with talk therapy?  It all seems to take too much energy.  Sleep, sleep is all I want.

And I leave in three days to visit both my family and the in-laws for Christmas.  Like I said, I'm better off than I was the last couple of years, so I don't expect any drama, but it all sounds like work.  Except for the time we spend with my sister-in-law--the one I always write about.  It will be good to see her.  It's just unfortunate that there will be so many other people around.  As a Christian I feel like this should be an especially sweet time--celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace.  However, I seem to have a hard time finding the peace that is supposed to come with knowing Christ.  I guess I really just don't know Him that well.  I have started reading a book by Deepak Chopra called "The Third Jesus."  I'm not very far into it, but it's very interesting.  Jesus was a really radical man, for His time and for ours.

Well, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.  Here's a prayer for peace for family, friends, strangers, and supposed enemies.  If that enemy is depression, may you find a way to transcend it and find meaning in life.

Mid-life Crisis?

I've been feeling unhappy.  But not really depressed.  I'm unhappy with most aspects of my life, finding little satisfaction spiritually and emotionally.  It doesn't feel like depression because I don't feel like I'm slogging through thigh-high mud.  I'm just sad and dissatisfied.  Could it be I'm going through a mid-life crisis?  I feel like my true self has been lost along the way somehow and that I'm living in a shell that I'm calling life, but really it isn't.  There's just a lot of emptiness in my life.

I'm also feeling anxious lately.  It's sort of a nebulous anxiety that I can't put a finger on.  If you add the anxiety to the unhappiness, maybe it's all morphing into depression.  But I still don't feel depressed.  Of course I'm basing my feeling of being depressed on the absolute worse case scenario; I'm comparing it all to the depressive period from last year, that lasted over two years.  Maybe to a "normal" person this anxiety and unhappiness would feel like depression.  It just doesn't to me.  Maybe it's a case of mild depression.

So, where does that leave me?  I looked up "mid-life crisis" on Wikipedia (since we all know Wikipedia is the source of all truth).  It didn't really seem to fit me, because it's usually age-related and "a time where adults come to realize their own mortality and how much time is left in their life."  However, the result is similar to me. In Wikipedia it says "People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance."  I'm definitely desirous to make significant, core, changes in my life.  But I don't have the energy or know-how right now. It feels like to make any significant I really need to take a leap of faith, right off a cliff.  I've been to this edge many times in my life, but I have yet to take the one step towards a new, "truer" me. 

Ah, whatever.  This is beginning to sound like drivel, so I'll end this blog for now.  There's always a tomorrow to write some more.  I'll give you a hint what I think I'm going to write about--the idea that what we see in the world is only a mirror of ourselves.  Sound interesting?  I think so.

Attachment to Outcome

I was doing really well there for a few weeks, in spite of the dissertation set-back.  But I feel myself slipping again.  All I want to do is sleep.  I've started looking at the chapter revisions suggested to me, but they seem broad-sweeping and difficult.  I have this sinking feeling that they aren't changes I can make within a week (per chapter) or so.  There is an impending feeling of inability surrounding me right now.  Not only do I have my chapter revisions to do, but I have to prepare for the final defense/exam.  I just can't recall information like I used to and that scares me.  I'm worried that I won't be able to intelligently answer questions thrown at me.  For the first time, in a long time, I'm wondering if I can do this and if it's worth it.

My sister-in-law and I have been trying to do this 21-day challenge by Deepak Chopra called Creating Abundance.  It's a daily set of meditations specifically for creating abundance in one's life.  Yesterday the meditation was about letting go of expectations.  The mantra is beautiful: Om Anandham Namah—My actions are blissfully free from attachment to outcome.  And we are to relinquish desired outcomes and follow the law of Detachment: relinquishing the desire to manifest a specific outcome, we allow the Law of Detachment to work in our lives.  I'm trying to let go of the wish for a specific outcome with my dissertation, to detach myself from my expectations and let the universe spill through my work and accept whatever the outcome is.  It's harder than it sounds.  I'm so used to thinking about this degree in terms of the final outcome, a PhD, and some times that's all that has kept me going--looking at the end results.  But that's not working for me anymore.  All it does is seem to add stress to my life and makes it harder to do the work of today.  My current system isn't working for me, I need to find an alternative way of being.

Here is Deepak Chopra's website:  http://www.chopra.com/  it's worth a look around.

Shift in the Universe

I've had a major blow to my dissertation work.  One committee member, (yes, the jack wagon), wouldn't pass off on my dissertation so I can't defend on Nov. 5th.  He said my writing was excellent but my analyses were "rudimentary and shallow."  He said it wasn't in publishable form and therefor not in defensible form.  Because of him I have to go to school an extra semester, pay tuition, and my mom had to pay $300 to get her flight changed so she can come out in May now, instead of December.  I have to spend more time writing, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but I have to rearrange my state of mind over all of this.  I'm not at all opposed to making my work better.  But I am very angry about the way he goes about these things; he seems to undermine me at every step of the way.

Surprisingly, I'm feeling okay.  I was a bit depressed over last weekend when I first got the email (it was very condescending, several people that I shared it with have said the same thing); I even cried (this man has made me cry more than anyone else in my life); I was really mad, furious even.  But the depression didn't last.  It's amazing.  I think I'm going through a normal reaction to the whole situation and now I'm ready to just hunker down one more time, kiss his lily white ass, and get this over with.  My therapist gave me some good ideas on how to deal with the negative talk that always accompanies any thought about him--she said for me to think of all the other people, friends, family, colleagues, who would counter anything Rick would say.  It helps.  It makes me think about the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie, when Harry is battling Voldemort and all the people Harry loved and loss are there behind him, giving him strength and encouragement.  It's kind of like that for me.  In battling my personal Voldemort, I remember my dad, my husband, my friends, my thesis adviser and all the faculty and students I've worked with in the past.  It's like they're behind me, giving me strength and encouragement.  And Rick can't really hurt me anymore; he is just one person with an opinion that his very contradictory to all the other opinions out there about me.  I don't need him to do a good job on my dissertation and have a satisfying career. 

My sister-in-law also told me about something she'd recently read or heard--when it comes to people's opinions about you, 20% will love you and agree, 20% will hate you and disagree with you, and the rest really won't care.  Rick is just the first person in academia to be critical of me.  And his whole attitude has soured my experience with school.  It's been hard to believe in myself and my capabilities.  If this had happened a year ago I think I would have been completely undone.  But I'm not undone and I am so grateful that I am getting through this so well.  I keep waiting for the darkness to return, but it's not.  I wish I knew why, I wish I could identify what is different.  The only thing that seems different is the medication I'm on, but I feel like there is more to my feelings and attitude than that.  I feel like there's been a slight shift in my way of being.  Like I'm stronger now.  Maybe having gone through the hell and surviving has made me stronger.  Like I've been doing a lot of emotional exercising and I'm finally seeing/feeling the results of it.

The memory of my last depressive episode is still quite fresh in my mind and I hope I never get that bad again.  But it's making my current state of mind all the sweeter.

Habits of Depression

I'm tired, frustrated, and trying to maintain a positive, hopeful attitude.  I have a week and a half before my defense of my dissertation.  I'm supposed to defend on Nov. 5th.  However, one of my committee members (my old chair) is being a real jack a** about it all.  Now I'm not sure if I'll have to push back the date or not.  The last day one can defend is the 16th of November; and that would be dependent on if I can get everyone's schedule together again.  If not, I have to wait another semester before graduating.  I'll be really pissed off if that's the case.  But hey, pissed off is better than depressed, isn't it? 

My medication seems to continue to work, for which I'm grateful.  I am having trouble getting out of the habits of depression.  When I get frustrated I first think about sleeping or avoidance via movies/TV.  It is still tricky to focus.  And there are still times I want to be irritated, mad or disappointed in certain people.
Although the emotional steam for that is gone, I still think about it and have to remind myself that I can let go. However I can go grocery shopping without any trouble.  I can spend time with my children and enjoy them.  And I have positive thoughts that can try to replace the negative ones.

Depression is so weird.  I don't get people who are always happy and positive--I don't think it's just about choice.  I think there is an element of choice to being happy, but I also think there's a key factor relating to biochemistry.  I heard this interview with some actor or something and when asked about he dealt with some the difficulties he went through, his basic response was "some people wake up and decide to lie back down.  I wake up and decide to live."  If only it were that easy.  Sometimes, for the people who decide to lie back down, that is their choice to live--they've decided to put off dying for one more day.  And if you haven't struggled with depression I doubt you could really understand what a momentous effort that can be.  I hope I don't get so caught up in being non-depressed that I forget what it's like for others who are feeling depressed.  I just noticed I used the term "non-depressed" instead of something like "happy."  It's not that I don't believe in happiness--I do and I like it when I feel happy.  But "non-depressed" is more accurate than "happy all the time" or "full of unending energy" or the like.  I think sometimes when I was so depressed I was hoping for a positive feeling that was the exact opposite of depressed, but I just don't think I'll get to be one those people who is full of energy and excitement and hope all of the time.  It's just not me.  But I can have good days, good friends, good family and be grateful for it all.  That's huge.

Piece-meal

Wow, I'm still feeling really good.  I think all of my side effects from the lithium are finally gone; the combination of anti-depressants seems to be just right.  The other day was amazing.  In the morning I went to the bank, went to a lab for blood work, went to the post office.  Then I spent about 1.5 hours at car dealership getting work done.  Still, I got a lot of writing done on my dissertation and the crowning point was that I got chicken in the crock pot for dinner!  The next couple of days were a bit more discouraging, but I couldn't have had a day so productive 6 months ago.  It feels remarkable just to do the normal things that make up the dailiness of life.

One of the coolest things was realizing I that I had 3 of my 4 chapters done for my dissertation!  Things really started getting good then.  It was like I'd reached the tipping point in my work.  I had been working at it all in a piece-meal fashion and didn't feel like I was making much progress.  Then one day I went to look at what needed to be done and had 3 chapters done! 

But what have I learned about happiness?  Honestly, I'm not sure what happiness is.  I sure as hell don't know how to find it.  For me it's just been trial and error with medications and a patient therapist.  I also have learned, and relearned, that I can make it through some really dark places; sometimes just by taking it moment by moment.  A piece-meal approach seemed to worked for my dissertation, maybe it's working the same way for happiness.

Life off of Lithium

Going off lithium was a great decision.  I no longer feel so foggy and drugged.  My balance is back and I'm not as shaky.  I still have a difficult time recalling words, but it's not as bad.  In fact, I'm having quite a few good days.  I'm still on some anti-depressants, but that's okay for now.  This is the best I've felt since we moved (2 years ago).  Probably the best I've felt since my dad died (2.5 years ago).  And I'm seeing more clearly and feeling more clearly to work through different issues.

I feel a bit misguided by the psychiatrist who put me on lithium and then never seemed to take my concerns seriously.  It makes me angry.  But  I'm glad I decided to get a second opinion.  I'm now being considered as having "drug-resistant depression" instead of bipolar II.  Hmm, what is in a label anyway?  I recognize that different therapies are needed for each different diagnosis, and that can be very important.  However I'm confused as to what it means for me.  Because I'm feeling so much better I don't care quite as much, just as long as the relief continues. 

Another form of relief has come in the form of a friend.  I have a new friend who makes me laugh all the time.  We went to Seattle the other weekend to see Les Mis.  I laughed more over that weekend (except for when I was crying in Les Mis) than I've laughed in a long, long time.  In fact I can't even remember when I've laughed so much.  And she's a friend I go walking with.  We walk 3 miles 3 times a week.  One of the best things about it is that she said we'd go out early to walk and we have the same definition of "early"--8 a.m.

So, in all, life is much better. The dissertation is still a battle, but a lot of that is separate from my depression or lack thereof.  I guess the best thing I can say about my dissertation is that I can't quite commit myself to quitting.  So I continue to stumble along. But maybe that will change as my mood continues to improve.

Door Number Two

I've been really unhappy about my meds and their side effects, so much so that I decided to get a second opinion.  One of the worst side effects has been feeling like I'm drugged, which I am.  My regular therapist lives in another town, so we mostly do our sessions over skype.  However, I sometimes get back to her town and see her personally (which is always nice).  This happened a couple of weeks ago and she said she was alarmed at how medicated I appeared.  Another time a good friend of mine and I were on skype and she said I looked out of it.  And the person I saw for the second opinion said I looked quite sedate.  I guess I've been going around looking stoned, thinking I was fooling everyone that I was okay!

Anyway, the woman I'm seeing for a second opinion is an APRN and I quite liked her.  She was shocked at the number of meds and the doses of them that I was taking.  Also, she isn't convinced I have bipolar II disorder.  So now I have two differing professional opinions.  Well, the first one is definitely not working, so I'll try door number two.  First off, we're titrating me off of the lithium.  Then we'll look at the anti-depressants, see how I'm feeling and what side effects are still present, and go from there.  Wish me luck.

I've been on the lower dose of lithium for a week.  I also started exercising (okay, I've only gone twice, but I have a walking partner that I really like and we're committed. . .).  Plus, it's summer and the sun is shinning and the weather is really great.  So am I feeling better due to the med change, the exercise, the weather, or none of the above?  I guess I don't care right now.  I'll just take anything that's better than where I've been. 

One thing that has been empowering is changing doctors.  I have a tendency to see a doctor as an authority figure and therefore I'm hesitant to question them and change doctors when I'm unhappy with one.  But I've been questioning this particular doctor for several months and finally got the nerves up to see someone else.  Of course I haven't told the him that I'm getting a second opinion, I'm too chicken for that!  I'm just going to stop seeing him.  But I'm glad I had enough gumption to go through finding another doctor/APRN.  For those of you who have gone through the process of finding a new therapist/doctor, you know how hard it can be.  So I'm grateful I could take those first steps, they're always the hardest.

Pick Your Poison

It's funny how easily it is for my thoughts to spiral down and get close to being out of control.  It's funny how much a small chemical change in my body can effect my mood.  It's funny, except that it's not.  It's quite frustrating and well, depressing.  The mood changes I'm experiencing are almost tangible.  And although I'm glad to know the lithium helps elevate my mood, I'm still very dissatisfied with the side-effects I experience:  shakiness, lack of balance, poor word recall, foggy thinking.  It doesn't seem right that I should have to sacrifice those things for a good mood.  But why not?  What makes me think anything in this life is going to be right or fair?  It's not, so I just have to pick my poison.  The difficult thing is that whatever I'm experiencing at the moment is the thing I can't stand and want to get rid of.  So when I was on the lithium I hated the side effects and just wanted to get rid of them.  Now I'm rid of the side effects but have the depressed mood to contend with.  And all I want to do is get rid of that. I guess the sooner I accept the fact that my choices are all bad to some extent, the better off I'll be.  But that's depressing in and of itself.

Eeyore Grey

I'm starting to feel a little Eeyore grey.  The back drop is that my health insurance only lets me get my prescriptions from a mail-in pharmacy, and they always take a week or more to get the meds to me.  Well, I rarely am on top of my refills enough that I'm not a little stressed at each refill period.  So this time I needed a new prescription (which I hope the Doctor's office actually called in) and I am now completely out of my lithium.  I had to spread out my pills a bit for this last week, but now I can't even do that. Also, it's a long national holiday, so I either get the meds on Saturday or Tuesday (or later). And here I am, feeling a bit like Eeyore.  It's a subtle change, but my emotional energy is just lower, my patience with my children a little less, and I'm experiencing an increase in moodiness.  I guess the one good thing that has come from this is I know I'm not ready to go off lithium--it is doing me some good.  And even just the hint of depression is scaring the hell out of me.  I am not ready to back down that road.  It's a good juxtaposition in moods for me right now.  Now just get me my meds please!

It works for me. . .

So I think I've made the connection between hypo-mania and anxiety.  With bi-polar II, often the mania end of things looks and feels like anxiety, but how?  I had an experience yesterday that cleared things up for me.  I've been having a fairly good week overall.  For months I've been feeling dysthymic, but after a good talk with my therapist I'm doing a lot better.  Work on my dissertation is actually moving forward (my daily goal is 250 words a day; may not seem like much, but it works for me).  Anyway, last night I found myself feeling a bit hypo-manic, but had no place to put the energy, as I haven't had that type of energy for a while.  Well, with no place to put the enrgy of hypo-mania, it started churning and churning inside of me.  It came out looking like anxiety.  I guess its kind of like taking milk, churning it for a while, and getting butter at the end.  I'm not sure how great of a metaphor this is, but it works for me.  Here's to finding ways to take the hypo-mania and keeping the energy as something positive and something that can make life feel better.

My Own Brain Chemistry

Well, I obviously haven't been very consistant at blogging lately.  But at least I've twice this month.  I’m feeling very frustrated and confused right now.  I’m frustrated with my meds—lithium, abilify, Prozac, Welbutrin, and when I get it, propranolol (for the side effects of everything else!).  But despite all I’m taking I don’t feel very good.  Yes, I no longer am so incredibly depressed, but I don’t think the meds are giving me the quality of life I expect from them.  I want to sleep all the time, I’m fuzzy-headed which makes it hard to concentrate and focus on my dissertation, my balance is off, and I don’t really enjoy life.  It makes me tired of my life.  It makes me, one who has always believed in the value of medication along with therapy, want to quit all my meds and just see what Kim is like; what my own brain chemistry is like.  I’ve been on meds for years now, without a great benefit.  Maybe the meds have kept me alive, who can say?  But when I was diagnosed as bi-polar II, I thought that we’d finally get somewhere and find highly effective medication.  Maybe I’m expecting too much, but I don’t think so.  I think we are meant to find some enjoyment in life; that our friends and family should mostly be enough for us.  Right now I feel like even my therapist, whom I have been so pleased with, isn’t enough for me.  Nothing is. 

One big event for me--I finally told my advisor that I didn't think it was working to have him be my chair.  He agreed (my word! I've given him 2 years worth of chances to step down and he never took them).  So now he's just a committee member and hopefully I can get some real work done. Yea me.  This hasn’t restored my confidence.  I hope my interaction with my new advisor will be good.

I'll end on a "funny" note--I was at Goodwill today and the clerk asked me if I qualified for their senior discount (those 55 and older)!! I know I have a lot of gray hair, but really?  Now I'm contemplating coloring my hair.  Humph.  The clerk was really young however, a teenager or early twenties.  Still, I almost lit into him, but I restrained myself :)

Thought By Now

Well, where to start?  I've been back for about two weeks from the conference I went to.  It was a very interesting experience.  I didn't come away totally transformed; I came away with a few nuggets to help me out.  Part of what I learned was how to stop being a victim and start being accountable for my life.  Also, we talked about the power of words and it was suggested we rid our vocabulary of the word "try" and replace "help" with "assist."  All of this is to help us be more accountable and reclaim power in our lives.  We also did a lot of activities to get in touch with our "heart" or "inner self" and to quiet our minds from the distracting chatter.  All of this helped me to get rid of the deep, depressive pit that's been residing in my gut. 

However, I'm still feeling unmotivated and apathetic.  My doctor has gone ahead increased my dosage back to what it was when I was having tremors as a side effect.  And he increased the dosage of my medicine that I'm to take to help with the tremors.  It feels like I'm on some crazy medication catch 22.  So I'm taking medicine for the bi-polar II, some for my depression, some for the side effects of the first 2.  I take the blue pill to remind me to take the red pill; I take the red pill to remind me to take the yellow pill; and I take the yellow pill to remind me to take the green pill; but they're afraid to tell me what the green pill is for. (This is taken from a scene in "What's Up Doc?" the funniest movie ever).  I think I'd feel better about it if I was seeing some distinctly positive results.  But I've been tinkering with medications since October 2011, and here it is April of 2012.  I guess I just thought by now things to be figured out. 

Skeptical but Willing

Well, next week I'm off to a 4 day seminar given by Impact Training: Institute for Higher Consciousness (http://www.impacttrainings.com/index.htm).  I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I'm going to this, because I'm highly skeptical of groups that try and elicit specific emotions and anyone who's too optimistic/excited about life.  If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  Also, I'm skeptical of "feel good" experiences or anything that seems to New Age-y.  However, my sister-in-law, whom I love and trust implicitly, has been to this and raves about it.  She feels she's been transformed by all the different courses they offer.  So, I'm going.  I have nothing to lose; I have nowhere to go but up; I've been trying all of these different avenues to find some relief from the depression without much success; I'm going.  And I'm willing to go with an open mind and heart.

I've hit such an emotional flatline lately.  I think it's in response to the decreases in my meds, but, as I mentioned in the last blog entry, the side-effect of being at higher doses is not working.  It has hit me hard with my enthusiasm towards my dissertation.  I just don't care enough right now.  I don't have the energy or desire to work on it.  It has also been a strain on my family relationships; not so much with my kids, but it's tough on the husband and me.  He says I'm not the same woman he married.  But who is the same person they were 20 years ago?  Still, it makes me sad.  Maybe, just maybe, this seminar will help me find a bit of my old self.  Maybe it will help me relearn happiness.

I talked with my therapist about her opinion on groups such as Impact Training.  She's generally positive about them.  She thinks whenever a group of people get together with a goal of understanding themselves better, that something good can come from it.  She says regardless of whether or not this ends up being a life-changing experience or not, that I'll likely come away with some nugget that will be beneficial for me.  She can't speak specifically about this program, but it's good to have her support.  I'm really not sure why I'm feeling so conflicted about going, but I'm having a hard time getting really excited and highly expectant.  Also, I find myself feeling somewhat intransigent, like "I dare you to try and make me love myself.  I dare you to try and influence me."  I'm so silly that way.

The seminar is in Utah, so I get to drive 13 hours down there (in one day) and back.  The seminar goes for 12 hours a day!  I'm going to be exhausted, but that's okay.  It will be nice to have some time to myself, see my mom, and spend some time with my sister-in-law.  She's coming down from Idaho to go through parts of this with me.

Wits and Stubbornness

Apparently I can only write when I'm feeling down. We’re still tinkering with my meds.  I was so horribly shaky that I couldn’t write legibly, I shook like an old woman or someone with palsy.  Anyway, the doctor decreased my lithium and welbutrin levels.  Now I’m not shaking, but I’m feeling quite dysthymic.  I don’t know if the dythymia has to do with the recent decrease in the lithium or not.  This just does not seem fair—every time I get close to some med combo that seems to work, or promises to be helpful the side-effects are lousy.  I can’t live with the tremors, but at least I was feeling fairly decent.  Maybe I’m just doomed to live a life of depression.  There’s a part of me that feels like if I was strong enough I could kick this on my own; that somehow it’s a weakness to feel this way. 

I’ve been reading a book with some very strong female characters in it and they overcome horrible situations just by their wits and sheer stubbornness.  I wish I was like them.  But I lack wits and stubbornness.  I think I lack what it takes to beat this depression.

No Idea How To Swim

I'm flailing around in my lack of depression.  It's like I was chained and thrown into the ocean, sinking, drowning, and finally, as I've been cut free from the chain of depression, I have no idea how to swim.  I have no idea how to breath effectively in water, I've been holding my breath for so long. 

Right now, the best part of not feeling depressed is the work I've been getting done on my dissertation.  I've been more productive in this last month than I had been in the past 4 months combined.  I'm enjoying reading again, movies, my kids.  I no longer want to get rid of my 1 snake, 2 dogs, and 3 cats.  Yet despite all of this, I'm finding it really difficult to invest myself emotionally into any one thing or person.  It leaves me feeling empty, but not a depressed empty.  It's more of just a loss of emotional muscle mass from years of atrophying.  So I need to exercise my emotions a bit.  Build up emotional strength to be able to delve into the lives of those around me.  It all sounds great and seems to be a good metaphor, but I have no idea what to do or where to start.  What in the world does emotional exercise look like?

"What's There to be Depressed About?"

Last night as I was getting my meds out, my 15 year old son came into the kitchen, shirtless, and asked me what I was taking the medicine for.  I told him it was for depression.  "Depression?" he said, "You're depressed?  Why are you depressed when you can see all this?" and he flexed his arms and strutted around me.  I busted up laughing!  Where did that kid get such a great self-esteem?

Apparently I've done a good job at keeping my depression in check around my kids.  That's always been one of my biggest concerns, because I grew up thinking I was responsible for my mom's happiness/unhappiness in life (and I am still trying to rid myself of that baggage).  Throughout my depression I've always feared my children will feel responsible for my depression, or somehow be scarred for life because I've been depressed for so long (of course that could provide good fodder for years of therapy!).  I'm really grateful that I have evidence to the contrary.

I love the simplicity of my son's response.  What do I have to be depressed about?  Now I realize my depression isn't caused too much by situation.  Sure, making a move that I wasn't happy about definitely contributed, but in general I have a good life.  I have 3 healthy, happy children; a good husband; good friends; a nice home and all of my creature needs taken care of; extended family that while weird, is still good people; no major childhood nightmares to heal from; a great therapist; etc. etc.  What's there to be depressed about?  I recognize that depression doesn't have to be situational.  And mine is definitely not.  But it's amazing how much easier it is to recognize and accept the good in your life when you're not depressed.

I noticed that although my medication is helping and I'm not feeling as depressed, I'm still identifying myself as depressed.  Interesting.

Je ne sais pas

Boy, this last week has been great.  I've gotten a lot of work done on my dissertation and have felt like I'm just walking through air like normal folk, instead of slogging through mud everyday.  I've also been reading several blogs that I follow and there are a couple of women who seem to live life on a very different plane.  It's as if they're on a higher wavelength, whereas I am going through with mediocracy.  I envy them.  My life and concerns and thoughts seem so mundane, whereas theirs seem to be more spiritual, which allows them each to experience and radiate an immense sense of hope.  I'm not naive enough to think they have no problems, I know they do and they often share their problems on their blogs.  But they have a hidden source of "je ne sais pas" that gives them a belief and hope throughout their trials.  I'd like to find that.  But I'm not going to beat myself up over our differences; I'm happy to be on the road to recovery, I can find greater depth to my life later.  So here's to women and friends and bloggers who give me a goal to reach for!

Normal?

I'm going on about a week now of feeling normal (although my childhood friend reminds me that I was never "normal"!), so a week of feeling non-depressed.  I'm not feeling good or great, but when I told my doctor this he just laughed and me and said no one ever feels good all the time.  I'd like to, however.  But I'll take normal, because it's so much better than depressed.  But now that I'm feeling better, I plan on adding methyl-folate to my cocktail.  I'm curious to see what kind of difference it might make.  I've been taking it for 2 days now. 

I've got a lot of work left to do, considering the large amount of emotional baggage I acquired over the last 2 years.  That, plus the work on my dissertation should keep me pretty busy.

"Yes I Can"

I think the meds are finally working.  During these last few days I've felt as close to "normal" as I ever have during the last 2 years.  It's really refreshing.  I'm still trying to keep up on all the other things (vitamins, therapy, etc), especially exercise.  It's hard, but I know I need to do it; so on I shuffle (i.e. jog).  It feels like there's been a weight lifted from my mind and chest.  But despite all of this, I find some of my thoughts staying on the depressed track.  I just need to cognitively stop those depressed lines of thinking and get my thoughts on a different track; the "yes I can" track (to modify a phrase from the Obama campaign).

One key thing that has changed is my desire to work on my dissertation is back.  I've actually spent a couple of days working on it! Unfortunately, I have a hard time keeping up a positive attitude about the dissertation and my ability to finish.  In my gut I know I want to finish, I know I can do it.  In my head I question my abilities and constantly belittle my efforts.  So I want to live from my gut (sounds funny, maybe "heart" is a better body part!).  I also feel less overwhelmed with housework, although I think it will always overwhelm me to some extent, I hate housework!  But it's good to not have a large initial inertia to overcome just to do the laundry or vacuum.

So, let's hope this lasts.  It feels like I'm feeling better at a deeper level than I have in the past.  Happiness is finally finding a good combination of medicines.

Bad Science

I'm still doing better, but not great.  "Great" is where I want to be, though.  I did start methyl-folate yesterday; so that makes 2 days under it's influence :) Unforunately, I've also started another prescription recently and am getting up to therapeutic doses for that at the same time that I'm trying methyl-folate.  This is bad science, but I'm too anxious to get better to wait and do good science.  I won't be able to fully tell whether any change in mood is due to jogging, medications, or methyl-folate.  Hopefully I will see a change though.  As I write this, I'm thinking mabye I'd better wait on the methyl-folate, so that I can identify possible causes to better emotional health.  I really want to make sure I can see the results of mehtyl-folate without confusing it with my other meds because if it does have a positive effect I may want to supplement my daughters diet with some and see if that helps reduce her anxiety that she goes through every day.  So.  Scratch the beginning of this post because I've decided to wait on the methyl-folate.  The results are too important to be sloppy in my great self-experiment towards happiness.

Baby Steps

So I seem to be bouncing around on the emotional trampoline these days.  Today I'm doing better, even though nothing seems to have changed.  It was still a lot of work to get out and jog, but I did it.  That makes a week of exercising for me, yea!  I'm not feeling up, or really good, but, like I mentioned in a previous post, I'm feeling a little less down.  

The big thing I've done since feeling a little less down, is to dust off one of my chapters to my dissertation!  I haven't looked at it, really, mind you; but I've printed it off, briefly read some of my prof's comments, and am now looking at it wondering what to do next.  But I haven't touched the dissertation for months, so I feel good about this baby step I've made (remember the movie "What About Bob?"  It was such a funny show!).  Next step is to read over the chapter.  After that, address the comments made by my advisor.  After that, send it back to him.  I think that's part of what I need to do to get back working on this dissertation--break it down into small, manageable tasks, rather than say "I need to revise my chapter. . ."  That seems to big and overwhelming.

So I'll take today and feeling a little bit better.  I still have to work to do everything that needs to be done (i.e. dishes, laundry, cooking, go into work, etc.) but at least I'm not feeling quite as heavy as I have been the last week.  I guess when you get as low as I am, you'll take whatever you can get and feel grateful.

Bleaker Moments

I am doing everything I can think of to kick this depression, and still I’m down.  I’m seeing a therapist, taking meds, exercising, taking vitamins and fish oil, cut back on my caffeine consumption, praying . . . what more can I do?  It feels like I’m destined to live this way forever, and that I can’t handle.  This just all feels so unbearable, I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this without breaking.  I have moments of relief that may last an afternoon or evening, but nothing that lasts for a significant amount of time and nothing that I can count on.  Each morning I have to fight to get out of bed and get the kids ready for school.  I have to bite my tongue when my daughter says she doesn’t want to go to school because I’m tempted to let her stay home—it’d be so much easier.  I have to force myself to go jogging; I’m not enjoying it at all.  It takes every last ounce of will power not to go back to bed after the kids are at school and I’ve gone jogging.  I have to make myself eat.  And I’m supposed to start work next week, which I’m not looking forward to.  Then there’s the whole dissertation issue.  How can I get focused on my dissertation when I can barely get out of bed and take care of the kids?  I’m just at the end of my rope, ready for some relief, right now. 

Go Ahead and Hope

These last couple of days has found me a bit more hopeful than usual.  I've been reading a lot of blogs about depression and the like and am finding some interesting therapies out there (I use that term very loosely).  One in particular, that I am quite interested in, is concerning l-methylfolate.  Now, if I understand my research correctly, l-methylfolate is the form of folic acid that your body utilizes.  There is evidence that people who have difficulty transforming folate into l-methylfolate have a tendency toward depression and anxiety (and a whole slew of other things like miscarriages, of which I've had 3).  This is a genetic disorder and there's a doctor here in the TC area that has done a lot of research on this.  Anyway, I'm in the infancy of my research, but I'm hopeful.  I'm hopeful because there is evidence that l-methylfolate can augment the efficacy of anti-depressants.  I'm hopeful because I've read blogs where people who have tried this have had some awesome results.  I'm hopeful because something about this rings true to me.  I'm hopeful because if I do have the genetic condition, it could explain some of what I'm seeing in my own children.  And I'm hopeful because if it works for me, it might work for my sisters and mother. 

I realize my hope is dependent on several ifs:  if I have the genetic deficiency, if the l-methylfolate  works for me.  I have also read some blogs where the l-methylfolate didn't work.  And the medical literature is mixed, for every one that says there's a connection there's another researcher that says there's not. What I've realized as I've been writing this is that I'm scared to hope.  I've lived so long without hope and now I'm worried I'll get myself all excited about something only to be let down.  I was excited with the switch in my diagnosis and meds, but still spend too much time depressed.  So why should l-methylfolate be any different?

But my herculean effort for the beginning of the year is to go ahead and hope.  So here I go, full of hope.  I'm ready for a new life in 2012; I'm ready to find the essence of me again; I'm ready to experience joy and happiness in life again.  Here's hoping for a good New Year!