I'm flailing around in my lack of depression. It's like I was chained and thrown into the ocean, sinking, drowning, and finally, as I've been cut free from the chain of depression, I have no idea how to swim. I have no idea how to breath effectively in water, I've been holding my breath for so long.
Right now, the best part of not feeling depressed is the work I've been getting done on my dissertation. I've been more productive in this last month than I had been in the past 4 months combined. I'm enjoying reading again, movies, my kids. I no longer want to get rid of my 1 snake, 2 dogs, and 3 cats. Yet despite all of this, I'm finding it really difficult to invest myself emotionally into any one thing or person. It leaves me feeling empty, but not a depressed empty. It's more of just a loss of emotional muscle mass from years of atrophying. So I need to exercise my emotions a bit. Build up emotional strength to be able to delve into the lives of those around me. It all sounds great and seems to be a good metaphor, but I have no idea what to do or where to start. What in the world does emotional exercise look like?
Right now, the best part of not feeling depressed is the work I've been getting done on my dissertation. I've been more productive in this last month than I had been in the past 4 months combined. I'm enjoying reading again, movies, my kids. I no longer want to get rid of my 1 snake, 2 dogs, and 3 cats. Yet despite all of this, I'm finding it really difficult to invest myself emotionally into any one thing or person. It leaves me feeling empty, but not a depressed empty. It's more of just a loss of emotional muscle mass from years of atrophying. So I need to exercise my emotions a bit. Build up emotional strength to be able to delve into the lives of those around me. It all sounds great and seems to be a good metaphor, but I have no idea what to do or where to start. What in the world does emotional exercise look like?
2 comments:
I know what you mean about not knowing how to live "not depressed" or as depressed. When I first got treated for depression, I didn't really realize how much better I was until I suddenly noticed that I was humming as I was potting a plant on my patio (the fact that I had my hands in dirt was pretty big, too, because I also haved OCD). There's no big sign saying, YOU ARE NOT DEPRESSED with instructions, but that would be helpful, wouldn't it?
I'm glad you're working on your dissertation. I'm sure that's very satisfying. I never finished mine. I was ABD, but my struggles with OCD got in the way. No real regrets, because I didn't stay in academia.
Emotional exercise? I wish I had an answer. I think it's just living life engaged with others. I think the emptiness will fill up gradually with time.
So glad you're feeling better!
Okay, so here's a serious flashback: Last weekend we stayed at a cabin in Heber. For dinner we took the whole family to -- THE CLAIM JUMPER!
Oh my gosh, did that ever bring back the memories. They have the same wine bottle menus, and I don't think the menu itself has changed at all. I ordered my usual (from 20 years ago)--the teriyaki steak.
It was between that or Chick's Cafe. It's still there too, looking exactly the same. Maybe next time we'll eat there.
Miss you.
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