Well, I'd written a post this morning and had internet problems and lost it all. But oh well. Maybe this post will be better. Who can say?
I spent the weekend reading books and watching "The Big Bang Theory," which always makes me laugh. That's a good thing too, because the books I read were sad. I read "The Silver Linings Playbook" by Mathew Quick and "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. Both deal with mental illness. Both seem to have an overall optimistic ending. Both made me really sad, though. Life is just so difficult for so many people. It makes me wonder what the point is to life, anyway. I suppose the best we can do in this life is to be there, in anyway possible, for others. I know I've been blessed to have people do that for me. And I can only hope that I've been that for others. But I just worry that I'm missing out, in an important way, of being there for others. I worry that I'm going to miss some cue from my children and be totally ignorant of struggles they have or will go through. I worry that my kids will grow up and I won't really know them and they won't come to me with their heartaches. For sure that's the pattern for me and my parents. I don't think my parents really know me; I surely don't share with them how I'm really feeling. Maybe not my dad as much as my mom, but my dad's dead, so I'm left without him. And I seem to have a hard time just letting people in. Sometimes what I carry feels so heavy and scary that I don't dare share it fully with someone else.
I think I need to find a lighter book to read. I also need to go grocery shopping and pay some attention to my messy house. I hate housework. On a more positive note, I found some on-line teaching gigs. The only problem is that I can't seem to find the energy necessary to apply. You have to write a "teaching philosophy" which I seem to have lost. I can't say I feel teaching is all that important anymore. I used to be sure of things, at least a few things. Now I'm unsure about everything. I must be going through a mid-life crisis. How can I be this far in my life and feel so lost? It's like I'm back in my teenage years. Except back then I felt a passion about life, about learning. And also, I have teenagers of my own now.
Lately it feels like I'm living my life very superficially. I don't want to analyze things--people, ideas, events, myself. I used to do this all the time, but now I don't want to think too much. I don't want to dredge up anything complicated and messy. I want to assume everyone is trying their hardest to be the best person they can be. This makes it hard to really be there for other people, because life is basically complicated and messy. I just don't want to have any conflict in my life right now. But I worry that I'm sacrificing relationships because of it. I'm even tired of trying to figure myself out. I guess that's why I so readily loose myself in movies, books, TV. But, as this weekend showed me, I have to pick my books, movies and TV out carefully. Just good escape stories, nothing that will make me think too much. This makes me sad though, because there was a time in my life when I loved a challenging story. Maybe this is just a phase and I'll find my old, analytical, caring self again.
I spent the weekend reading books and watching "The Big Bang Theory," which always makes me laugh. That's a good thing too, because the books I read were sad. I read "The Silver Linings Playbook" by Mathew Quick and "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. Both deal with mental illness. Both seem to have an overall optimistic ending. Both made me really sad, though. Life is just so difficult for so many people. It makes me wonder what the point is to life, anyway. I suppose the best we can do in this life is to be there, in anyway possible, for others. I know I've been blessed to have people do that for me. And I can only hope that I've been that for others. But I just worry that I'm missing out, in an important way, of being there for others. I worry that I'm going to miss some cue from my children and be totally ignorant of struggles they have or will go through. I worry that my kids will grow up and I won't really know them and they won't come to me with their heartaches. For sure that's the pattern for me and my parents. I don't think my parents really know me; I surely don't share with them how I'm really feeling. Maybe not my dad as much as my mom, but my dad's dead, so I'm left without him. And I seem to have a hard time just letting people in. Sometimes what I carry feels so heavy and scary that I don't dare share it fully with someone else.
I think I need to find a lighter book to read. I also need to go grocery shopping and pay some attention to my messy house. I hate housework. On a more positive note, I found some on-line teaching gigs. The only problem is that I can't seem to find the energy necessary to apply. You have to write a "teaching philosophy" which I seem to have lost. I can't say I feel teaching is all that important anymore. I used to be sure of things, at least a few things. Now I'm unsure about everything. I must be going through a mid-life crisis. How can I be this far in my life and feel so lost? It's like I'm back in my teenage years. Except back then I felt a passion about life, about learning. And also, I have teenagers of my own now.
Lately it feels like I'm living my life very superficially. I don't want to analyze things--people, ideas, events, myself. I used to do this all the time, but now I don't want to think too much. I don't want to dredge up anything complicated and messy. I want to assume everyone is trying their hardest to be the best person they can be. This makes it hard to really be there for other people, because life is basically complicated and messy. I just don't want to have any conflict in my life right now. But I worry that I'm sacrificing relationships because of it. I'm even tired of trying to figure myself out. I guess that's why I so readily loose myself in movies, books, TV. But, as this weekend showed me, I have to pick my books, movies and TV out carefully. Just good escape stories, nothing that will make me think too much. This makes me sad though, because there was a time in my life when I loved a challenging story. Maybe this is just a phase and I'll find my old, analytical, caring self again.
3 comments:
I haven't read the book "Silver Linings Playbook," but I very much enjoyed the movie. It was a movie that ended on a hopeful note--not a sappy, happy ending, but a hopeful one. It helped me a lot.
I agree that sometimes we need to just read something for the enjoyment of it, to get lost for a while in a story line. Do you like mysteries/thrillers? That's my choice for that kind of reading.
I think we do go through phases, and the analytical activities that you once enjoyed will probably once again be enjoyable. Depression affects every aspect of our lives, even what we enjoy and what we want. I hope this is a time of healing for you.
Oh, sweet Kim. I really, really understand this post. It is just awful to feel stuck. It is awful to feel so sad.
I really have to stay away from anything that digs into my spirit. Books, the news, newspapers, movies, television. I feel physically ill if have negativity hit me. I am also a Highly Sensitive Person as well as a double Pisces and have to protect my spirit at all costs.
What are you doing for yourself? My guess is nothing because I know, i have been in the same funk. It is so hard to get out of but please do some self care. Actually, do a lot of self care. Is there something you want that you have been holding back on? What can you do for yourself that would help you manage even just a little better? I say get yourself a kitten! :-)
As for books, I use Goodreads.com and have been quite successful at finding fiction and non-fiction that do not threaten my spirit. If you are a member I am, Fiffer_feffer_feff
You are not alone, Kim. I know it feels like it but you are not alone. I am sending you love. Hang in there.
OH, I have recently signed up for Netflix. Lots of great shows and movies to bring a smile to your face.
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