After spending a lot of the week reading and watching TV (although there was some house cleaning going on), I think I've identified that I'm lonely. Now I know that my therapist would strongly encourage me to do something like join some community clubs or get a job (for the human interaction, if nothing else), but I'm not sure I care that I'm lonely. I don't care enough or am not lonely enough to want to do anything about it. In some ways I'm enjoying my loneliness. And I've realized that part-time teaching, whether on a campus or on-line, is really a lonely endeavor too. The only interaction I would have would be with students for a short period of time each week; but there's really no interaction with colleagues or anything.
I just finished reading "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving, and in it the character, Owen Meany, says "IF
YOU’RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A WAY OF LIFE YOU LOVE, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE
COURAGE TO LIVE IT.” I really like that. I think I used to have a life I loved, namely academia. Maybe I no longer love it, or maybe I've lost the courage to live it. Either way, I'm left without a life I love. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I love my friends; I just am not doing anything that concerns me that I love. And I'm struggling with finding meaning in life. Religion, of which I've been actively involved in all my life, is no longer providing the answers for me that it once did. Academia no longer provides the answers that it once did. Friends are not really providing me with any answers. I have no idea where to turn now. I feel like I spend all of this time cogitating on the meaning of life and I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Maybe I'm spending too much time thinking and need to be doing more. But I don't know what to do.
2 comments:
Kim,
Are you able to get away for a few days. Though I could not afford it I put it on my credit card and went anyway. I told the people at the B&B that I just needed time to myself and they were very respectful of that. I put a Do Not Disturb sign on my door. I read. I slept. I took hot baths and blogged.
I was struggling with all the things you mentioned and I came up with a small goal for each. It has done me a world of good. By no means is everything better but I have some direction.
If you can't get away just come up with one goal every week or so. I do encourage you to get out and be with people. Maybe it is time to seek out a place of worship that better suits your needs.
Hang in there. Be extra good to yourself. xo
I understand the desire to live the life you love. I was in academia for a while, too, though I never truly loved it, I think. But my identity was wrapped up in it, and it took me a lot of trial and error to find my place again. Maybe you could start exploring different things you're interested in, even if only in books. Volunteer work--even very light, easy work--can be a great way to explore, too. Take care of yourself.
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