It's been a long time since I worked on this blog. But I'm finding just how appropriate the name of this blog is--it is taking a lot for me to relearn happiness. When I first started the blog, I didn't think a lot about the name, but during these last 6-12 months I'm finding out how accurate the name is. I'm finally out of the abyss of severe depression, but as I've been feeling better I find that I've been in a state of anxiety every time my mood takes a dip. When my mood goes down I get so scared that it's the depression coming back. There have been a few short periods of depression, but nothing as disabling as what I was battling for 5 years. And now I have more good days than bad; I'm learning that having some down days is "normal" for "happy" people. When I get down or stressed, I'm learning that I can fight my knee-jerk reactions of fear and the desire to run away. And I'm learning about the ebb and flow of the energy it requires to be happy, social, involved in other people's lives. Currently I'm coming down off of a 4 day high and I'm allowing myself to feel lazy, to spend time alone, to not try and force myself to take on issues that I don't have the energy for. It's good, but the real effort comes in being mindful.
The other day I saw the woman who prescribes my meds. She said “I wish we had a group session where you could talk about your success with medication. People need to hear how you’ve done it, how it takes more than just taking a pill—it takes therapy, exercise, constant vigilance, etc.” She said that too many patients expect a pill to solve everything, to make it so they no longer feel any sadness. Anyway, that was nice to hear. I do feel like I’ve worked damned hard to get where I am. It has been a really long and arduous journey. And in truth, I still have to work at it every day. It’s getting easier, but I have to be really mindful of how I’m thinking, and I have to make myself get out jogging every day. I also have to work really hard at not getting overly-anxious when I do have bad days. I really am learning how to be happy, how to be normal. And I'm becoming more comfortable with the ebbs and flows of my relationships--with my husband, my children, my siblings, my faith community. I guess what is happening is that I'm learning how to break out of the all-or-nothing thinking that dominates depressed thought patterns. So I really do believe we can relearn ways of being, ways of interacting in the world, ways of thinking. That's what this blog is really about, for me, to document the journey out of depression. Now it's time to document the journey into happiness (although I sort of cringe at the word "happiness" because it's not really a state of being happy that I'm talking about, it's a state of good mental health).
The other day I saw the woman who prescribes my meds. She said “I wish we had a group session where you could talk about your success with medication. People need to hear how you’ve done it, how it takes more than just taking a pill—it takes therapy, exercise, constant vigilance, etc.” She said that too many patients expect a pill to solve everything, to make it so they no longer feel any sadness. Anyway, that was nice to hear. I do feel like I’ve worked damned hard to get where I am. It has been a really long and arduous journey. And in truth, I still have to work at it every day. It’s getting easier, but I have to be really mindful of how I’m thinking, and I have to make myself get out jogging every day. I also have to work really hard at not getting overly-anxious when I do have bad days. I really am learning how to be happy, how to be normal. And I'm becoming more comfortable with the ebbs and flows of my relationships--with my husband, my children, my siblings, my faith community. I guess what is happening is that I'm learning how to break out of the all-or-nothing thinking that dominates depressed thought patterns. So I really do believe we can relearn ways of being, ways of interacting in the world, ways of thinking. That's what this blog is really about, for me, to document the journey out of depression. Now it's time to document the journey into happiness (although I sort of cringe at the word "happiness" because it's not really a state of being happy that I'm talking about, it's a state of good mental health).
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