Emotional Pacing

Two weeks ago I felt an overwhelming feeling of empowerment.  I realized that my sisters (and mother) tell themselves a story of being a victim.  In this story, there is nothing they can do to change their situation--everything is shitty in their lives and everything that happens is viewed through this lens that will always enforce the story they tell themselves.  I feel so blessed/lucky to have a therapist who has helped me learn to be creative about finding solutions to the problems I face in my life. 

For the most part, I refuse to play the victim.  However, when it comes to my dissertation experience, I was eviscerated and I get physically ill even thinking about it.  But a couple of weeks ago I was talking to my therapist and both issues (my sisters and my dissertation) came up.  Suddenly there was a shift in my thinking and I clearly understood that I've been playing the victim card when it came to my dissertation and subsequent job hunting, etc.  The story I told myself was “you can’t do it; you only got your degree because they felt sorry for you; you aren’t really a scientist; everyone will know you are a fake; no one will accept your papers for publication” and so forth.  I've been feeling so sorry for myself because I had a horrible, nasty, undermining thesis adviser.  It's been 2 years since I graduated and I have barely been able to think about what I went through to get my degree.  Whenever my adviser's name came up I literally got sick to my stomach.  But the other day, talking with my therapist, I realized that I have a choice--I can take responsibility for how I react to the situation or I can let the situation define me.  And in that moment I decided that I wouldn't let Dr. ** asshole ** have power over me anymore.  Wham! That was it.  And I felt more empowered than ever before.  It is amazing.  Since then I've dusted off my dissertation chapters and am working on getting them ready to be submitted to some journals for publication.  Guess what?  They aren’t half bad.  I even looked up my old prof on his webpage (without getting sick) and was able to see him differently--I see his flaws and weaknesses and realize that everything he said to me was actually a reflection of his own feelings of inadequacy. 

This is not to say that all you have to do is think happy thoughts and all will be well in the world.  I believe that I was able to make that shift due to the work I've been doing in other areas of my life.  My therapist has told me, many times, not to believe this professor; she's told me in a myriad of ways to choose to believe differently.  And while I understood and agreed with her on an intellectual level, I hadn't been able to internalize it, until now.  Why now?  I don't know.  My guess is that these shifts happen when we persistently try to see our lives and live our lives in healthier ways.  Just like geological processes—wind or water consistently wearing down a rock, until it erodes away into sand.  I suppose if I truly understood why I'd make a billion dollars--because no one really understands it but everyone wants to.  I just know it's not simply a pill, or simply going to therapy, or simply exercising, or simply thinking happy thoughts, or simply not eating gluten (I actually eat gluten, though).  It is a combination of things and it takes consistent work, repeating the same small things over and over, sometimes for years.  

That being said, I'm experiencing some interesting things from feeling empowered. 

It feels like I’m a little overwhelmed with feeling so good.  It may sound strange, how can someone feel overwhelmed by feeling good?   But it’s kind of like putting a starving person in a room full of food and at first it’s so exciting and you feel giddy and grateful and excited; but then it becomes overwhelming—what do you eat first?  How much do you eat without getting sick?  That’s sort of where I’m at.  I kind of need to pace myself.  But I’ve never felt this good before, so I have no idea of where to start pacing myself.  I’m pretty sure I’ll figure it out.  One of the real tricks is to not get anxious with feeling overwhelmed by it all—just because I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m not on a downward spiral.  I must tell myself this and not be afraid to feel tired by it sometimes.  I’m finding a new equilibrium, a new normal (to quote my friend Birdie) and it will take some time to normalize myself to it all.  I’m in new territory and it is okay to feel both excited and nervous. It’s okay to want to jump in and also to want to move cautiously. 

So I'm moving on to a different set of difficulties to figure out--emotional pacing.   It should be interesting.  I do know that I feel so grateful that I am feeling emotionally strong; strong enough to give back to people who have helped me and to others who just need some understanding and encouragement.  It's time to repay those who helped me and also to try and pay it forward.